HowTo:Get Super Powers
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
“With great power come's great responsibility”
“I have no super powers.”
“Technically I'm a super hero :D”
“You know, the ladies don't call me super man for no reason”
“I believe as the worlds greatest nation and super power, will lead the world in to a new age”
So, you what a super power do you? Fancy costume? Cool name? Super hero benefits? Secret identity? All the women? (or men) well then
your you're going to have to follow these steps to get the power or if your a greedy fuck powers you want. You can also order the special step by step super power DVD by Abstergo industries hosted and narrated by Christopher Walken and Steven Seagal. Not all these steps will appeal to all, for instance if you want to go solo than you might want to ignore the getting a partner section.
Ok, so what power do you want, this is the most important decision you'll make. You don't want to choose a power you'll later regret like Subtracting Man or Visible Woman. For more info on this see our list of the worlds most useless super heroes. Be creative with your power, think to yourself how would the world benefit or de-benefit (if your going to be a super villain) from your power. Your power needs to reflect your personality, for instance The Magician loves magic and used his great skill in magic to his super hero ability. Remember a cool power can also give you a cool name and stylish costume along with a great logo. Logo's are very important, it gives your image and brand.
Below is a list of super powers, and additional methods we advise you read, they are useful and will help people in times of great need, don't try to be cool and get your own power because it doesn't work, you just end up looking like a twat, very much like Twat-Man and Verrjina.
- 1. Flying
Very important, every super hero needs to fly or at least glide. There's nothing more pathetic than to watch a "Super Hero" showing up to a crime scene on a scooter or out of breath, too tired to fight the criminals.
- 2. Strength
You need to be able to throw a good punch or you're gong to look so stupid. Approximately you should need to hit or kick your enemies around 2-3 times before they fall unconscious. You also need to be strong enough to hold them over your head. It also helps if you can rip through metal doors and ballads like tissue.
- 3. Vision.
One special power that is most common is the ability to have laser vision to fry the fuck out of metal obstacles. Another eye power is to be able to see things the the typical human eye could not see from far away. 20x20 vision is Ok, you just can't keep fighting people who "kind of look like" the bank robbers.
- 4. Hearing.
Super heroes can't be deaf, your hearing needs to be good enough to hear what someone else is hearing a few miles to a few feet away. It also helps to be a good listener, as a superhero you will be tied up by your enemies a few times who will give you a full detailed description of their plan to kill you and their future plans for the city/country/world when you're dead.
- 5. Location
A super hero needs a place to watch over, you can't be greedy like that prick superman and go off and save what part of the world you wants to when you feel like it. Pick a place with a lot of crime, like America or Asia. Europe is a good place but stick to a capital city. It's no good having the power of one thousand sun's and sticking to a small village in the English country side like Captain Britain.
- 6. Base.
You have to have a house, cave, lab, ship or anything where you can class as a secret base, it can even be a caravan, especially if you use it to its advantage and move location from time to time. This place will be the for-front of all your super hero operations. Here you will plan your attacks and counter attacks on your enemies.
- 7. Alter Ego/Secret Identity
YOU NEED AN ALTER EGO AND/OR SECRET IDENTITY. If you're a super hero with a very distinctive personality you can't go round in public and talk as you would if you were working. It doesn't help shouting out aloud in the supermarket what you are doing and are going to do as you do it. Also... ware different clothes, or at least wear a pair of clothes over your super ones. Because you want to keep your identity secret, that doesn't mean you need to be anti-social, get out there and talk to people. Eventually one enemy will discover who you are and use the ones closest to you against you. One helpful tip is to pretend you don't care... it usually works... usually.
- 8. Weakness.
This is the only downfall of any super hero, you NEED a weakness. You can't choose your weakness you must discover it. 50% of the time it turns out to be something related to giving you your powers in the first place.
- 9. Lost Virginity
I don't care what Peter Parker says, you cannot be a super hero if you're a virgin.
- 10. Male
It isn't recommend but over all men are better at this job than women are, most women super heroes are just imitations of their male counterparts. i.e. Aqua-Girl, Bat-Girl, Bat-Woman, Cat-Women, Hawk-Woman, Hit-Girl, Invisible Woman, Mrs. Freeze, Night Girl, Jenny Quantum, Robin, She-Hulk, Superwoman, and so on. So if your a man get out there have a go at it you'll most probably get to your goal... women, good luck.
Powers Already Taken
Ok, its been along time since the super hero scene first came into the world and in that time a lot of powers have been taken and copyrighted by the user. Flying is the only default power given to every super hero, it is a sort of bonus, you have your unique ;power and flying as an extra. Don't expect something great, if/when you get yours, we've done some research and here is a list of powers already used, strongest to weakest.
Power of God, Power of Satan, Power of Flying,
How To Get A Power
Ok first of all, some people are born with super powers, DEAL WITH IT! all the rest of us can do is one day hope to get a super power and at the mean time wonder if that object flying round in the sky is a bird or a plane. But do not worry your day may come, but it must be an accident or it won't be proper, we can't stress this enough, maybe we can "IT MUST BE AN ACCIDENT!!!" For people born with out any super ability, to get their's it has to be an accident. Whether it's a scientific experiment gone wrong some fucked up chemicals spill over you or you are raped or bitten by someone or something with a superpower already, you will not get yours unless it is one of, or relates to any of the above. And no, if you knowingly rape someone with a super power than you'll most likely give them something, you have to be on the receiving side.
Apart from being a lucky twat and being born with super powers there are ways for normal none-super folk like us to gian super powers.
Radiation long exposure to radiation can go one of two ways. On one hand you can fall seriously ill and die a very slow excruciating death from radiation poising. On the other hand your body can have a (positive) chemical reaction to the radiation and you can become ten times stronger and smarter. The (possessive) reactions your body can have are very diverse amongst individuals and you can gain one from one-hundred different powers although this is very rare. The chances of getting even one super power from radiation is one in a billion. You will most probably die. To get close to radiation you can get a job in or live close by a nuclear power plant, eat pot noodles or by standing close enough to a nuclear bomb to be hit by the radiation but far away enough with out getting obliterated.
Radioactive Creature If you know someone or something that is radioactive than try and get bitten by them (but following step one make it look like a convincing accident) somewhere where the skin is soft or near a pulse/main artery. Note: you don't always have to get them to bite you, saliva, sperm, blood and urine also caries the super power gene. If this works than you'll get a mutant power of what ever bit you, the most recognised of all these is Spider-Man. But others around the world include Crab-Man, Dog-Man, Armadillo-man, Chimp-Man, Venus-Fly-trap-Man, Woman-Cat, Mosquito-Man, Pig-Man, Lamar-Man, Man-Man, Man-Woman, crazy-frog-man and many more.
Bizarre Accident Now this is the main one we all love to follow, one its the most interesting because its so unexpected and you feel so fucking great about yourself after the shock and peril has subsided, two what caused your powers is mostly the only thing that can destroy it again, so you know your own weakness which is always to have a cinematic head to head with your arch enemy. We have very few tips on this section, all we can say is just go for it! Any thing that life throws at you go for it because your accident wont happen when your sitting round on your ass watching T.V.
W.M.D. If you have enough money and the intelligence then why not build yourself some super powers. Build weapons that you can use against your enemies. This can range from cool home made bombs to weapons bought at your local shop or even home made ones. The one thing you have against your enemies is that they don't know your not a super hero, so don't let on that you are and don't do anything stupid like bleeding if they shoot you. You need to let your enemies know your in control. If it helps use smoke and mirrors to gain the appearance of super powers.
Sell Your Soul When all else has failed, and your still alive, then sell your soul to Satan for super powers. Doing this has it's immediate advantages and disadvantages, one of the advantages you can have any and/or every power you want in exchange for your measly little soul. The main disadvantage over this is when the time comes Satan will come for you and torture you throughput eternity. It does sound bad but look on the bright side, if you chose a super hero life and not a villain than all the bad people you killed will be there also getting in on the fun. You can not use your powers to escape from hell, even if you ask for a hell escaping power you will lose it when you die. Also, if you ask for immortality as well there is a loop hole Satan can work around, so... yeah its all legal. DO NOT BE ALARMED IF SATAN APPEARS AS HILARY CLINTON that is his modern day forms.
Ok so you've got your powers, now you need a costume. Let the costume reflect your powers, if your powers is in don't do something stupid like wearing a stereotypical costume with the underpants on the outside and a mask over your eyes because people can tell what you look like and a thin strand of cloth with two eye holes is not going to cover that. Don't wear a costume that's way over the top that's extremely heavy and slows you down.