HowTo:Get away with it
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“Check out my new book, in stores this weekend.”
Since the dawn of time, people have been trying to get away with it. The secret to getting away with it, however, is a secret passed on to only the most worthy of individuals, skilled in the arts of trickery, treachery, and breaking and entering to steal a couple of dollars.
"But sir," you might say, "won't you please tell me how to get away with it? I promise I'll be your best friend."
Well, it's very flattering to me that you would want to be my best friend, but unfortunately (for you, not for me), I am already best friends with several prominent and successful individuals. However, I think you look worthy to learn the secrets of the trade. Yes, stand right here for a moment. Let me examine your thievery skills. Hmmm..... Yes, yes. You look like you could handle the amazing responsibility of knowing HowTo:Get Away With It. Let's begin, shall we?
In order to get away with it, you need to first be well equipped for the job. Here, take a few standard invisibility potions. You'll need them to get in. You may need a lockpick or two, and a dagger with a poisoned tip can't hurt... Well, it can't hurt you anyways... Well, it probably could if you aren't careful... Dumbass.
Now, we first need to decide what "it" is exactly. For the purposes of this exercise, we'll just say that "it" is "opening a jar of pickles." This is only to provide an easy, non lethal practice for you. We'll be taking on much more dangerous and creative "it" later on. Okay, strap that anti-matter belt on, get your left-handed weapon handy. And we're off.
In order to get away with it, you're definitely going to need some very cool choreographed entrance. It must be so awesome it makes my face hurt, as well as being either completely stealth, or blatantly obvious and destructive. Later on, this will most likely not be the same method you use to escape, although it may be related in some small way.
So, we'll try the stealth method, since we are going for a more thieverous approach. You'd best be wearing a cape, and a mask is nice to have too. And if you're a chick, you definitely want some very tight pants, or some sort of body suit. The correct approach for you would probably be to climb up the side of the building, making sure you utilize any and all hanging ledges, pipes, loose bricks, and windowsills, while hiding behind potted plants on the fire escape, and hanging upside down from windows.
Next, take out your glass cutter and- what? Oh fuck, that's right, you don't have one. My bad I forgot. No no, I'll give you a freebie this time. It's really my fault. Here you go, I'm so sorry.
Anyways, take out your glass cutter, and use it to open a hole in the skylight large enough for you to fit through. Then, tie the rope you brought with you- you brought one right? Good. -to the nearest peculiar looking pipe protruding from the building. Make sure it's secure. However, you haven't had a near death experience in at least three minutes, so loosen it just a tad so that you'll almost fall to the floor but suddenly be stopped by the rope tightening.
Now, drop down into the building through the hole you made. Lower yourself sloooowly. Ever so slowly. You don't want anything bad to happen to yo- D'OH! I told you you were going to fall. Good thing that rope wasn't too loose. That could have made quite a mess, considering those large, pointy spikes lining the floor.
Alright, let yourself down real easy. Swing yourself off to the side of the spikes and just barely miss them as you fall to the floor. Be sure to make a noise indicating your impact, that you wouldn't have made if this hadn't been a situation in which noise would incriminate you. You'd better run behind something quickly, because those armed guards are looking for you now. Nice going Einstein.
After you've successfully ditched those guards, you'll want to check your watch, which has the countdown of time remaining until you blow up. SHIT! You only have 9 minutes and some change to finish up here and get out. Well, we'd better get going if that jar of pickles has any chance of being opened. This is what you'll need: a jetpack (only half full of fuel), several small metal utensils, and 5 o'clock shadow.
Walking through the halls, you'll notice by pure chance that there is a tiny beam emitting from the wall, at very near ground level. The beam is hardly noticeable, but you should step over it so that you don't trip any sort of alarm. Little did you know, that as you were stepping up above and over that beam, another beam right above your head level detected you, which in turn turned another beam on right at your waste level, which detected you, setting off an array of explosions behind you.
As you run through the hallways, trying to escape the blast, you hear an alarm going off. Great! Now they know you're here. Fucking good going. Maybe you're not as good a thief as I thought. Still, you're already there, so you'll have to do.
As the explosions stop, you drop to the ground to catch your breath. Now, make sure there are guards running all over the place. If not, this part won't work. First, lay there, easily accessable and perfectly vulnerable. Right before the guards come by to get you, you're a phantom! Where did you go? Well, if you did things right, you're hanging off of the cieling, right above their heads. Nice work, at least you got that right.
The Hall Of Doors
Drop to the floor, but stop yourself from making that awful noise this time. When you get back to base, you're getting a severe scolding for doing that last time. I don't care if it was part of the HowTo. Do you think everything I say is right? If so, I have sour news for you buddy, this is Uncyclopedia, and by definition, nothing I say is right.
- "Does that mean I don't have to do what you say?"
Stand up and walk down the hall, if you follow the guards from a distance, they'll likely lead you back to the room with the pickles, since some were probably deployed from there. Slide along the walls and tiptoe as quietly as possible. Well would you look at that, you made it without fucking up.
At the end of the hall you see a door, so you go in quietly. You flip the lightswitch only to find a hallway absolutely full of doors. Like, not how in some movies and stuff there are hallways with lots of doors, all seperated by a few inches, but like, you really can't see anything but the wood of doors. There is no visible floor, ceiling, or walls. Doors all around. Well this is a fine mess. It does however give you a chance to improve your lockpicking skills, as they're all locked.
Oh by the way, 3 minutes left. Good luck, I'll wait for you to finish up with the doors.
Unlocking The Right Door
**You sit and pick each lock eagerly, and after several doors you finally give up.**
**You then realize a shining light emitting from one door knob. You pick it and SUCCESS! It is opened.**
The Final Test
Dammit, you're alive! AH I MEAN, good, you're alive! Now, you have to have a final encounter. And no, you can't just go in, fight, take the pickles, open them, and leave. It has to be more dramatic than that.
Try to stealthily grab the pickles when the Boss's back is turned. This can prove to be quite difficult, and you will narrowly avoid his stare several times. Grab the pickles, and guess what. You're home free!
NOT! You drop the pickles (ironically, you accomplish the mission since you technically "opened" them), and he hears you. You exchange glances, pick up a few pickles, and run. GET ME ONE OF THOSE GODDAMN PICKLES! I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU MYSELF IF YOU DON'T GET ONE!
Ahem. Now run through the hallways and be shot at several times. It's probably best if the guy is not a very good shot. It will kind of suck if he is a good shot and hits you, so you will want to save the good shots for later practices. Run around corners and have the bullets hit the walls a few times just as you go past them. You'll be making a lot of noise which won't matter much because all the alarms have been activated and are going off all around you.
As you near the exit, you hear the obligatory "five...four...three..." countdown start to go off. You leap out the door and into the get away vehicle, just as...