HowTo:Get off the Computer

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Gorillatrans.gif HowTo 
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos

Red and Blue! My favorite Colors!”

“I don't want to!”

Getting up from your chair in front of the Computer is a very challenging thing, and not suggested for n00bs. There are many difficult steps in the process, and I have created a guide to help you get through them.


Your First step[edit]

Your first step will be to decide that you want to get off the computer. If you do not want to get off the computer, there is a red X in the top right corner of your screen. This is your only chance!

Clicking here may help as well.

Ok, so now that you have committed yourself, it is time to act.

Stop Chatting![edit]

Of course all of your MSN buddys don't want you to get off the computer. You must resist these temptations, and shut the window, before they can make you change your heroic ideas. Got MSN messenger shut down, and yourself logged off? Good. Pretty soon we'll be able to show you what real girls are, but now let's really start working.

Shutting down more windows[edit]

Yes, you will have to shut down your windows. We have to start somewhere, so let's start with the porn sites. It's time to say goodbye to all those hot naked chicks and go find some real ones! Next: Wikipedia. Period. You didn't need to open it, and you're a pathetic bastard because you did. However, you are forgiven now that you have closed it. Next up? All those gaming sites. Yes, those have to go too. Take one last look at those neat cars driving around in circles, and the guys randomly shooting in the air. Are they gone now? Ok, now that you've closed a couple windows, your computer should be able to open pages in less than ten minutes now.

The hard one[edit]

The Experts at wikipedia say you should close uncyclopedia too, but that is greatly disputed. A sample argument is shown below:

  • Wikipedian: You are shutting down all your windows anyway, why not just close Uncyclopedia too? It's a dumb site about gays too.
  • Uncyclopedian: STFU. Go to hell.
  • Wikipedian: What the...
  • Uncyclopedian: But Uncyclopedia is my life!
  • Wikipedian: Well, your a lifeless moron, then.
  • Uncyclopedian: But...
  • Wikipedian: I thought you said you wanted to get off the computer.
  • Uncyclopedian: It's not my computer! It's the friggin' internet!

And As usual, the Uncyclopedian ownz. However, one thing Uncyclopedians aren't good at is staying on topic unfortunately, so the argument never really had a conclusion. If you were expecting something different, go fuck yourself. Oh Yeah.

What To do now[edit]

Now that you have closed all windows, or all windows -1, you can take it even further. Like deleting all the viruses on your computer. This is very difficult, and go ask someone else, cause I don't know how to do it. You may also want to delete your history of visited links, so you can't go back to all those dumb sites you were on before, and your parents don't find out you were watching porn. Or perhaps even take it to the highest level, and take your computer to the top of a very tall building and throw it out the window. However, this is NOT recommended, as it usually results in insanity and jumping out the window after your computer to catch it.

Now what?[edit]

So, you've accomlished what you wanted to do, now what? First thing, go to school. You probably haven't been to school for a couple years, but if your lucky, you may end up in a grade with girls somewhere close to your age. If you do, try to find a girlfriend. However, most girls when they find out how much of a porn addict, plus the no-lifer that you are, will hate you. Here is (another!) conversation between a guy who just got off the computer, and a girl.

  • Guy: 'sup?
  • Girl: What did you say?
  • Guy: whatsup?
  • Girl: Well, I got an A on my test.
  • Guy: I'm so Fuckin envious! I got an F is for fuck!
  • Girl: What did you say?
  • Guy: nvm.
  • Girl: What?
  • Guy: Well, see I just got off the comp, and I didn't really know how to do multiplication, so that's why.
  • Girl: What's the "Comp"?
  • Guy: lol, don't you know anything? Comp means computer! Oh comes the prinicpal! Hey, wanna fuck?
  • Girl: You're sick.
  • Guy: oh, Crap. Yes?
  • Principle: You've been kicked from the school.

Anyway, we'll leave that ugly scene. That was just to show you that it doesn't really work. Soon after you get off the computer, you will realize that society doesn't really want you, and you will commit suicide. In fact, studies have shown that 100% of people who got off the computer died.

Summing it all up[edit]

Basically what this article is trying to tell you is, DON'T GET OFF THE COMPUTER! NO REALLY, DON'T!

See Also[edit]