HowTo:Give Yourself a Tonsilectomy
Give Yourself A Tonsilectomy is a book and a 3D silent movie written and directed by Richard Turner. Released as a book on July 32nd, 1937, it helped define a generation of crazies. Most people say this started the hippy movement. Those people are just dumb. It was adapted into a 3D silent movie, which was released January 3rd, 2011. Yes, there was sound in movies in 2011, but due to the amount of screaming and crying that Richard did during the movie, it was muted/censored.
Research was done by 3451 monkeys over 13 years and 12 days. Richard refused to feed any of the monkeys while they researched. Due to this, he had to constantly buy more monkeys. Later in life, he confessed he didn't feed them so he could use the dead monkeys as food. Mercilessly killing the monkeys to make monkey burgers is frowned upon, but eating dead things isn't.
Why Would You Give Yourself a Tonsilectomy?
The question of 'why' is a good one. Some may be experiencing throat pain. Some may simply be suffering from boredom. There may be other reasons, but the reasons don't matter. Studies have suggested that 1 in some number of people at some time have done this. Yeah, kinda vague, like trying to look in the mirror after a shower, you can see where you are, but you can't see any details. Don't mind me, I'm just passing by.
'Why' doesn't matter, for if you need to ask yourself why you are removing your tonsils, more than likely you don't really need to remove your tonsils, right? Only a truly dedicated person can remove their own tonsils. But don't worry, if you've gotten this far, you're either dedicated or high. Or both.
In doing this article, our reserchers have found that most people require some sort of preparation of either themselves, or their surroundings, before they can properly remove their tonsils. We don't think you do. Most prep work we've researched includes sterilizing of equipment, cleaning of the area(s) in which you are performing the operation, and things like that. Really though, if you're gonna do it, it better be a sput of the moment thing. No prep work, just do it. That's all you need; balls the size of tennis balls.
If you don't have Steve Irwin's testiles, then you may choose to prep before you de-tonsilize yourself. While not reccomended, this can help you be more successful, by having everything you use, and everywhere you are be cleaner. Like a doctors office. Except theres no chance of getting your wallet stolen by a nurse. What, You really think they make enough money?! They bathe naked old people. Imagine your Grandmother naked!
Tools to Use
Tools can vary depending on what you have available. Not everyone has a scapel. Most, we've found use either a rusty butter knife, or scissors, or even a broken beer bottle. Or a mixture of all three.
The most popular tools/devices we've found people use to remove their own tonsils are"
- A Rusty Butter Knife
- A Spork
- Lots of Waxed Paper
- Heath Ledger
- A Broken Bottle
- The Bible
- The Power of Mind
- The Power of Michael Jackson
The most improtant thing is how to seal the cut. You cant be bleeding everywhere like a dying lamb, now. We reccomend you seal your wound with salt. Lots of salt. Quiet, the pain makes you a man.
Doing the Deed
When you go to do the deed, it's time to put all thoughts, all reservations aside, and just do it. Don't think. Most people who think and/or have a brain will not cut their tonsils out. If you do/have either (brain or think) then you won't have gotten this far. I'm thinking enough for the both of us, dude.
It may hurt, and the bottle may get stuck in your mouth, but bro, why do you care. Just blindly cut. You know what your tonsils look like? Nah, neither do I. This isn't science class, this is man class. Cut till you feel you may have gotten it. Then dump salt in your mouth and gargle it around a bit. Not a spoon full, a whole mouth full. If you don't feel pain your not a man. When you're done, spit out the salt. It's not heathly to swallow that much salt.
Prequel, Sequels and Spinoff
Due to the success of Give Yourself a Tonsilectomy, Richard released Give Yourself a Tonsilectomy II: Cooking and Eating Your Tonsils on April 30th, 1945 and Give Yourself a Tonsilectomy II: Cooking and Eating Your Tonsils II: Washing Away the Evidence on March 12th, 1951.
He then made a Prequel, Before You Give Yourself a Tonsilectomy, released February 29th, 1956 and a spinoff children's TV series, Marty the Magic Dinosaur Gives Children Suprise Tonsilectomies, which ran from June 3rd, 1977 to Dec 14th, 1996. The Marty series was cancelled after 19 seasons in 1996 due to the fact that the FCC noticed that it happened to be illegal to give people 'suprise tonsilectomies' due to the fact they weren't giving consent, and the children who were given them were chosen on the street, at random, and we're threatened at gunpoint.