HowTo:Go Take a Hike
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“Get off my lawn, you damn hippies!”
Have you ever been told by some random person to go take a hike? Ever wondered exactly what that entailed? Well, taking a hike is one of the most difficult and arduous tasks ever inflicted upon humans by themselves. Before going any further, be warned that taking a hike may cause
any or all of the following consequences:
Perspiration, weight loss, bear encounters, weight loss due to afforementioned bear encounters, death, death due to afforementioned bear encounters, heatstroke, heartburn, indigestion, diarrhea, wet pants due to afforementioned bear encounters, missing your favourite show on T.V, insatiable hunger, getting lost, appreciating life, appreciating death, wishing you were Scottish, losing your cellphone, the death of your pets, realising your money is worthless, living off of insects and vermin, eating your hiking partner over a makeshift spit, finding a Time Portal, embracing a new religion, searching for civilisation in vain, losing a bet of $1 over whether a bum could become rich whilst a rich man became a bum, the former is a movie, having an internal J.D monologue with yourself, more bear encounters, making a shelter out of a wampa, belief that trees really are broccoli (which you cannot disprove), failed attempts to negotiate for your body parts back from the ravenous evil bears, unsolvable constipation, losing your house due to not paying your bills, unsolvable lostness, anger towards human beings as you slowly devolve into a primal beast of jungle anger.
These are not the only horrible events to befall you, as the hike itself is full of evils and perilous dangers, most of which are encountered whilst parking in the hike trail's parking lot. No, Ma'am, I did not hit your baby, he jumped at my car, presumably because it is shiny, and babies are mesmerised by shiny things. Of course, she's angry, understandably so, even though my explanation is depleted-uranium-bullet-proof. And that's when I pulled out my gun, curiously concealed within the confines of my pick-a-nick basket, and shot her face off, leaving nothing but her faceless bleeding stump-face to cry tears of sanguine rain. Mwahahaha! Where was I? Bears? Yes, bears are deadly, deadly beasts and should be avoided at all costs, unless they are tame. They're never tame, I'm just saying that if they were, which they're not, they would be safe to approach, even though they're not, they won't be, and the one behind me currently isn't. Not now, Henry! I'm typing! You can eat me in a few minutes!
What is Taking a Hike?
Yes, what taking a hike means depends upon the circumstances. If said in a very irate manner, as is the case most of the time, then the instigator clearly wishes that you would go to a better place. However, as anyone who has taken a hike knows, it is not the beautiful refreshing adventure that it is commonly portrayed as. Instead, it is a frightful collection of the most horrible things upon this World all stuffed into one place that constantly follows you, pitchfork in hand.
Likewise, if it is said in a gentle manner, then it should be taken as a threat, as the person implying it obviously has no idea what a hike would do to both your mind and what will become of your mangled body. Your action in this circumstance should be to vigourously slap the face of the aggressor and run away. Running away prevents any more aggressive actions to be taken against you, and effectively frees you from having to take a hike. Unless, of course, you run away into the wilderness. Then you will have to hike back, and no fair trudging!
If taking a hike is unavoidable, whether it be because you have a knightly code of honour to abide by random peoples' suggestions, or that you really want to mess yourself up, then you will need to be expertly equipped with the correct equipment usually not found outwith military installations. These types of equipment are not commonly found or sold in the home, as is the case with crack or rhubarb, and their procurement is not the point of this article. That lies solely under the jurisdiction of the Your Problem Company Ltd.
First, you'll want to provide for your defence, as the wild is notorious for not caring whether anything lives or dies. It obviously doesn't like the rainforest, because I can still buy broccoli at the store, and the rainforest is full of giant broccoli, so I assume they're still cutting it down. Take that, Nature! Anyway, in order to repel a generic bear attack, the one where a giant bear comes over and rips your limbs off with his bearish pinky finger, you'll need to pack another pair of pants, mainly, and then carry a water gun full of Coca~Cola. Polar bears drink it, but forest bears despise its teeth-rotting powers. Plus, they don't like getting their coats wet.
That protects you from the every day, run-of-the-mill bear attack, but what about the extremely agitated for no reason bear attack plus bear rapage? That, my friend that I do not know, is where trudging comes back in. Trudging at a very high velocity, but trudging nonetheless. It would be of a good mind to seek cover in a cave, preferably a bear-less cave, though if none others can be found, at least spray the cave with Coca~Cola first. A light spraying of Coca~Cola will keep the minor bears away from your confiscated abode. You'll also want to bring some food rations and water, unless you're a man. Real men don't energise their bodies with unnecessary "nutrition".
Once commencing your hike, you'll need a place to hike at. No, your backyard doesn't count, since you don't have one, you bum. The easiest place for most people to hike at is your friendly neighbourhood Hike Trail©. After not finding a place to park, unless you count "on top of another car", which I don't, as that is more of a thing to park upon, not really a place to park, ... too many commas. Erm.. I'm not going to finish that sentence. It's absolute garbage, anyway.
Now you are on a hike trail. You can smell the Great Outdoors in its wild expanse, every corner filled with flourishing life and beauty, then, suddenly, you see a familiar sight on the horizon. Bollocks! There's a damn Wal*Mart everywhere, isn't there, Henry?! Yes, there is; yes, there is; and it's a Supercenter, damn them.
So, we have now narrowed it down to a few places that are good for
dying hiking in. What? You didn't know what was going on? Hardly! It was quite clear! The list of places to hike in is very broad, yet very narrow. It is simultaneously obfuscated, and elucidated. It is the NARC list, and yet it is no spoon. Short whilst long, it is the entire World! Yes! Live in it, bitch, you were born to! Unless, of course, there are bears. Or broccoli! Damn you, Broccoli!
Hiking Whilst Avoiding Broccoli
If you are bound to go hiking, you are bound to encounter Broccoli. False statement? Nevers! If anything, it is a gross understatement! Not only will you encounter Broccoli, Broccoli will encounter you!
Hiking In All Its Glory
"What's the book you've got there?"
""The Irresponsible Hikers Guide To Surrey" Fancy a stroll?"
"Yeah, why not?"
"Let's see, preperations:
"Most guides tell you to be sober and healthy before embarking on any great distance walking adventure.We say,"Sod that,get the bevvies in and stack up on the Pies. Then catch a bus to your starting point"
Sounds fair enough to me, Al"
TWO HOURS LATER
"Ok,Chrish, where the fuck are we?
"How am I supposed to know?"
"You've got the shodding book."
"The start of this walk should find you standing with your back to a garden wall. A waymark sign should be pointing away from it into some woodlands. Totally ignoring this, climb over the wall. Having done this, head half right across the garden towards the fence linking it to another garden. Climb over this fence and look to your right. There should be a rabbit hutch there. The rabbit belongs to a 5 year girl called Emily and his name is "Tibby". Don't forget to piss on it as you pass."
"Er...Al. I think your only meant to piss on it."
"Whoops, sorry Bunny.Your a nice little bunny, you are. Chrish. have you seen thish little bunny rabbit?"
"Quiet, I'm trying to concentrate."
"From here head back towards the garden wall and climb back over it. Turn Left and look for the waymark sign. This time follow the path for about 2 miles."
TWO MILES LATER
"At this point the path forks. Ignoring the right hand fork, take the left hand one marked "Darkling's Farm. Private Propety. Trespassers will be shot." This is simply an example of the rural sense of humour."
"Christ on a crutch!!"
"As indeed are the landmines. Assuming you emerge unscathed, head towards a group of buildings marked "Milking Shed". If you have chosen the right time of day, the shed will be full of contented, lazy mooers chewing cud whilst being gently milked by some machinery. Owing to the credit crunch leading to a shortage of milk in some areas, this simply won't do. So once you have located the machine, put it onto "Supersonic Speed" and teach the lazy beasts a lesson. It will serve them right as they probably have pussy teats anyway."
"Oh,look Al, the milk in that collection vats all yellow and lumpy. Hope that gets filtered out."
"Having done your bit for the global economy, head out of the building and head eastwards past a shed where lots of lucky little piglets are being gelded."
"God, what an awful noise. No more Shweet and Shour for me, Chrish."
"Beyond the sheds is a footpath which leads off for two miles and runs beside the main piggery. Follow this path and enjoy the sight of huge bloated porcine forms pissing furiously all over the place. This is all they do all day."
"Wahey. Look at 'em go!! Come on sloosh it about a bit girls."
"Eventually, you will find yourself confronted with a mass of barbed wire fencing. The bus station you need is on the other side. So be very careful. If you have wirecutters, even better. The Bus Station is located next to a superstore which is of interest as it has adopted a radical new approach to its disabled parking facilities. It allowed the disabled themselves to design and paint the essential layout, which is, of course, why the lines are all over the fucking place."
"Well, Chrish, I'm knackered but well happy. That was a lot of fun wasn't it?"
"Yep, it certainly was."