HowTo:Go To Hell
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Welcome to HowTo:Go To Hell, this informative guide is designed to help you - the reader - to bypass that pesky salvation thing and condemn yourself to an eternity of suffering in the pits of Hell.. sounds like a plan doesn't it? Now before we begin this guide we are aware that you may have come across other guides that claim to damn their readers These are a scam. Only through reading this guide shall you truly be able to sleep safe in the knowledge that not even the most forgiving of gods could save you from the fiery depths of Hell itself... so without further ado let us begin!
Step 1 - Poisoning The Village Well
The first step to damnation is an easy one but is often the step that potential sinners fail at: the art of poisoning wells has been around at least as long as human civilisation and yet many poor souls don't know how to perform this most basic of tasks: as caring, responsible individuals we at HowTo feel it is our responsibility to teach you how to do so. Simply follow the following instructions and you'll be on your way to damnation in no time.
Ye Olde Poison (for all your pagan needs!)
1 glass of Red Bull
4 issues of MAD
7 eyes of newt (available at all good retailers)
9 spicy meatballs
half a cup of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter
Pour the glass of Red Bull into the well, stirring lightly - add the issues of MAD Magazine then add the eyes of newt: toss in the cheeseburgers and chickens before adding the meatballs and finally toss in half a cup of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. Stir for at least two hours and then serve. Feeds a village of 20 peasants.
Alternatively you could buy our special brand of "Kill U Dead" Poison now, this fine brew is handmade by our coven of scientists and has been proven to be not only toxic but delicious! Hurry - while stocks last!
Step 2 - Eating Babies 101
- Ah yes, now that we have learnt the fine art of well poisoning it is time for you to engage in the ever-popular sport of baby-eating!
Now we know what you are thinking - the consumption of infants is neither funny nor clever but think on it this way: it is a well-known fact that sinners eat babies and only sinners go to Hell. So, by that logic, we must begin the delicate task of eating that baby.
At first the task seems simple but one must be careful not to become the hunted, for under their sweet and innocent exteriors the common baby is a vicious predator waiting for us to let our guard down - thus the potential baby-eater must always be vigilant not to become one of the ever-increasing number of sinners lost to the maws of hungry infants.
Step 3 - Get Ye A Virgin
No self-respecting sinner would miss the chance to engage in a good-old virgin sacrifice and by golly do you have a number to pick from - unfortunately, finding the right virgin can often prove difficult for inexperienced sinners and as such this guide shall try to explain the most basic mistakes young sinners commit and how to overcome them.
Mistake 1 - The Nerd
It is a common mistake for young sinners to assume that the humble nerd is a virgin, in fact this could not be further from the truth for the nerd is truly a misunderstood creature - often seen in the confines of school lockers or hanging majestically from flagpoles by their underwear, these proud people have a hidden life that few witness... and even fewer wish to.
You see, under the guise of the common nerd lies a sex-god, a raging sea of hormonal passion that will stop at NOTHING to achieve their goals - oh yes, it is perhaps depressing to think but that guy in chemistry class you gave a wedgie to has likely laid more girls than you could see in a life time. Oh yes - deceptive creatures these nerds be.
Mistake 2 - The Bimbo
We at HowTo respect the female species (so long as they have nice tits) and do not wish to insult them but it has come to our attention that many young sinners still believe an appropriate virgin sacrifice is a blonde-haired cheerleader who has had more plastic surgery than a Barbie doll, any sinner who truly believes a teenage cheerleader is a virgin is already damned and may skip this guide entirely.
- Did we mention we respect the female species? (don't sue us!)
Step 4 - Consider Being Gay
Throughout history, gay men and women have contributed to society and provided us with great talent and progress - yet they will all go the Hell. This is just the way things are and we at HowTo, while condemning all homophobia, couldn't agree more.
Thus you may wish to consider turning gay - after all it's a free ticket to Hell, which is a pretty sweet deal when you think about it: if you are already gay don't despair, you can always consider becoming bisexual and thus condemn yourself even further! Besides, being gay will make going to Hell all the more fun once you do get there, as Hell, after thousands of years of dead gays and lesbians setting up camp, must have an excellent gay scene.
Step 5 - Think Black
While we are on the topic of tolerance let us also look on another proud race, the black folk - who shall all go to Hell: why? Well, that is not our place to question, our place is simply to help you go to Hell.
So if black folks go to Hell by default, surely you could consider becoming black? now we know what you're thinking - this is highly offensive and an insult to everything you believe in. Well, that's exactly the attitude that is stopping you going to Hell, buddy.
If you don't wish to become black you can always try to adopt black customs such as ghetto-speak, gangsta rap and bling - if done right you may just be able to trick God into believing you're black and thus be condemned. Everyone else will be unconvinced, however, and will think you're a wigger idiot.
Step 6 - Science
Another quick and easy way to go to Hell is to embrace the evils of science - read the works of Darwin, Hawking and other famous scientists while discarding Creationism in favor of Evolution and you have it made.
Welcome new technology and progressive thinking while looking at the universe with a logical mind and you will be on the highway to Hell in no time. However, be mindful not to confuse Science with Scientology as followers of Scientology do not go to Hell (even Hell has standards).
Step 7 - Join A Joke Website
So you've made it this far - you've committed terrible atrocities and yet you still feel empty inside. Could it be that you still aren't sufficiently insured against Salvation? Could it be that you are one of the few that require an extra push to truly damn themselves?
Well, worry no longer little one for we at HowTo have the answer, join a Joke Website!
Yes, we know it sounds drastic but if you truly wish to go to Hell sometimes you have to be prepared to put dignity aside and wade into the deep end of depravity - we all know that Joke Websites are designed to be cesspools of corruption and rage, where the dregs of society may spew forth their venom and generally cause havoc but come on - what better way to go to hell than joining such a fine community?
Step 8 - Make Lame Articles
Once you have joined a Joke Website you may be tempted to create amazing, witty and geniunely coherent articles but this is not the attitude we expect of those who wish to go to Hell.
No, you must dedicate yourself to creating terrible articles, the lamer the better - think of every article you get deleted to be another piece of your salvation vanishing into the cyber abyss.
Step 9 - Welcome To Hell
Now that you have followed all the steps in our guide (or at least the ones you could be bothered with) you have successfully avoided salvation and can look forward to the glories of Hell upon demise.