HowTo:Grab pills

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

You were playing L4D (GRABBIN' PEELZ!), or the sequel (GRABBIN' PUKE!?), or trying to survive in a real zombie apocalypse (hey, that's plausible, right?). Let's say you've been molested and violated by zombies in so many ways, and God, you're a mess. You need some first aid, but there are none to be found. (PEELZ PEELZ PELLZ) You'll have to settle for something to ease the pain. Then you see it. A bottle of painkillers on top of a table in front of you. You reach out your hand to get the pills, but for some reason, it wasn't there anymore. One of your companions took it and chowed it down like a cup of ramen. Too bad for you. PEELZ PEELZ PEELZ

That's me.

You cry like a bitch so bad and your companions bitchslapped you over and over for people crying like bitches easily attract zombie hordes. You refuse, and taking your gun, you shot your companion(s) in the face, then looted the bottle of pills (PEELZ), only to find it empty. A zombie heard your gunfire and is now preparing to violate you again, this time in extremely unimaginable ways, ways the thoughts of the most psychotic psycho in the world won't even think of. You point your gun at your temple, ready to pull the trigger. Might as well die instead of seeing yourself getting raped by dead guys.

This is you, before you were raped by zombies in unimaginable ways. Note that they're giving you the complimentary "carry-you-in-arms-round-town" before the ordeal.

Fortunately, Jesus appeared with Chuck Norris and together they held off the zombies for a bit just by...showing up (the mere appearance of Jesus and/or Chuck Norris has been known to effectively disperse zombie hordes). They both bitchslap you, then hands over a laptop computer with the browser on this HowTo page. Jesus tells you to STFU and start reading. Fortunately, I happen to be an expert on this subject.

- Louis

Why grab pills?[edit]

Peels contain more nutrients than a shitload of food!
  • It's a crucial part of zombie apocalypse survival. Ok, fuck that, PEELZ is the MOST CRUCIAL part of surviving an apocalypse. You can forget your companions, your gun, your ammo, your slow, fat bait, but never, EVER, under any circumstances, forget the PEELZ. or else.
  • They're good for your health! At least just for a while before convulsive side effects kick in. That just means you need MOAR peelz!
  • They're good at keeping you focused! They helped me keep working in my shitty job at the cubicles! (That's working papers office cubicles, not working dicks at bathroom cubicles)
  • They're a good substitute for tits if they're not available! However, remember that .

What you probably WILL need[edit]

  • Peelz - of course, duh.
  • Some unwilling dumbass to be your victim dummy. He/she will act as the companion who will try to steal your peelz.
  • Zombies - if you're going advanced, you'll need these.

Basic techniques[edit]

Ok, like everything else you were taught to do, from tweaking settings on your computer to taking a dump, everything has to start from the basics. Here are some basic techniques in grabbing PEELZ.

The "Right-in-front-of-you-dumbass" (RIFOYD) technique[edit]

It's right in front of you, dumbass!

Scenario: The bottle of PEELZ is right in front of you, whether on top of something else or on the ground. This is the easiest technique. Directions:

  1. Stop.
  2. Look left, right and behind for any companions who are also aware of the pills. If there are, kill them then repeat this step until there are no more companions.
  3. Stretch out hand in PEELZ direction.
  4. Open your palms.
  5. Position palm on PEELZ.
  6. Close palm tightly on PEELZ.
  7. Pull hand closer to you.
  8.  ????
  9. PROFIT!!!

The "Over-there-you-fucking-blind-or-something" (OTYFBOS) technique[edit]

Keep going!

Scenario: The bottle of PEELZ is no longer in front of you. It is in some other direction other than in front of you, but it is clearly visible. Directions:

  1. Stop.
  2. Look around and check if you have any companions who are aware of the PEELZ. If there are, kill them and repeat if necessary.
  3. Run to PEELZ (watch out for zombies and companions you missed)
  4. Grab PEELZ
  5.  ????
  6. PROFIT!!!

Advanced techniques[edit]

The Advanced section is for experienced PEELZ grabbers only. Please make sure you have ample experience in performing the two basic techniques above. Be sure to practice it in a REAL zombie apocalypse, and not in the safety of your home.

WARNING: This section features zommbeez. I am not responsible for any zombie-related injuries and deaths.

The "it's-probably-fucking-around-here-somewhere-but-it's-just-hidden" (IPFAHSBIJH) technique[edit]

It's around here somewhere...

Scenario: You smell the PEELZ, but it's hidden from plain view. This is quite a difficult technique to master. Most people commit mistakes by going overemotional about failing to find the PEELZ, or informing their companions that they sense PEELZ and ending up having their companions take the PEELZ for themselves. Directions:

  1. Stop
  2. Get on your four limbs and start sniffing the ground like a dog for the PEELZ. If one of your companions asks what the fuck are you doing, pretend you are sniffing for Witches and shit. They will get tense and move on. If it doesn't work, consider shooting them till they die. It's not like they mattered.
  3. Once you have found PEELS through endless, unnecessary sniffing, grab PEELZ.
  4.  ????
  5. PROFIT!!!

The "Holy-shit-there's-the-pills-but-there's-fucking-zombies-over-there-too" (HSTTPBTFZOTT) technique[edit]

Get away from my PEELS bitchez!

Scenario: The peels could be in plain view or hidden somewhere, however, there are a number of zombies around it. Directions:

  1. Stop
  2. Get your gun (or melee weapon)
  3. Check if gun is loaded (or if the melee weapon is not a dildo)
  4. Point weapon at zombie's head.
  5. Fire (or hit him with melee weapon if you're using one)
  6. Repeat for all remaining zombies.
  7. After killing all of the zombies, check if your companions are aware of the PEELZ. If they are, kill them.
  8. Grab PEELS.
  9.  ????
  10. PROFIT!!!

JESUS H. FUCKING CHRIST THIS IS FUCKING HARD techniques[edit]

WARNING: These techniques are fucking hard. They are performed only by Jesus, Chuck Norris, Duke Nukem, and Samuel Jackson. However, if you are one of the chosen ones, you could attempt to do this (however, reconsider it before you begin, think of the CHILDREN!)

The "Nigga-stole-my-peels" (NSMP) technique[edit]

Nigga stole my peels!

Scenario: A black person, who could be one of your companions or just some random person, steps up and steals your peels just before you could consume them. The nigga may also steal your bike if you are on one and use it for a quick getaway. NOTE: If I happen to be that person who stole your peels, consider it a loss, get over it. It's impossible to take it back from me (except from killing me of course, but for fuck's sake, don't).

The sanctity of this technique is preserved by replacing the person's call name with their skin color.

  1. Sprint towards nigga.
  2. Point weapon at nigga.
  3. Fire towards nigga. Repeat until nigga is down.
  4. Take peels from nigga. Attempt to recreate how black people speak to each other.
  5.  ????
  6. PROFIT!!!

The "Holy-shit-it's-a-fucking-GRUE-and-it's-got-my-peels" (HSIAFGAIGMP) technique[edit]

WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO FIGHT GRUE. ATTEMPTING TO FIGHT WILL CAUSE EXCESSIVE EATEN-NESS.

Scenario: A grue comes out of nowhere and grabs your PEELS! You're not going to let some badly-named Japanese figure do that to you right?

  1. Sprint towards grue.
  2. (a) Shoot over 9000 bullets at grue's face until he realizes he was shot and get bored and hand over peels; or (b) make an agreement with grue about trading girlfriend/mother/bitch with peels.
  3. Grab peels.
  4.  ????
  5. PROFIT!!!

NOTE: Do NOT attempt to kill grue. Grues are not killable by mortals. Not following this note could result in you being eaten by grue.

Your obstacles in grabbing peels[edit]

Son of a bitch!
  • Your companions, especially:
  • A gay biker.
  • An old man who was supposedly a Vietnam War vet.
  • A hot college chick.
  • An okay looking black chick
  • A redneck who loves Kiddie Land and enjoys molesting You. (although sometimes he prefers heroin...I mean, adrenaline)
  • A fat black coach who never stops talking about and eating food (although sometimes he prefers food and puke over peels).
  • An awesome-looking rapist in a white suit.
  • A really awesome black dude in a white shirt and a red tie.

Q and A[edit]

Also, remember to drop by your bookstore or visit our online store and grab a copy of my idiot-proof book!

Q: I did one of your techniques but I failed. What should I do?

A: Try again. Or ask your mom to give you her pills.

Q: I was trying to get these pills but I let some sexy hot chick take it because she told me she needs it. What should I do now?

A: Do not fight back. Let her take it. It's for your own good.

Q: This HowTo is BULLSHIT, it DOESN'T WORK and it's full of CRAP. I WANT MY FIVE MINUTES BACK!

A: That's not even a question, dumbass. Also, if you tried all of these techniques and failed, aren't you supposed to be dead?

Congratulations[edit]

Mission accomplished!

...you have finished reading and following this very helpful and informative HowTo! However, if you have failed and are now dead, congratulations, you officially suck! But if you managed to get peels, then open the bottle, bottoms up, and bathe in heavenly, heavenly glory! See you in peels heaven, bitch!

See also[edit]