HowTo:Grow a Beard

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“Wait a couple of days and I'll right there on your chin, right there, just there. ”

~ Beard on not shaving.

The art of Beardary is one that is vastly undervalued. The crucial fact here is without a beard, a man cannot possibly possess a penis or call himself a Man.

(designer stubble is the sure sign of a one-incher, and the effects of a pencil tash I need not go into.)


Step One[edit]

Pick a style of facial fungus:

My! How paedophiles have changed!

The Dumbledore[edit]

Don't Fuck!

This beard is near impossible to pull off, it requires a huge amount of brushing. The size of this beard means that Albus Dumbledore has the largest penis ever. Gandalf was reportedly very disappointed with this verdict.


NB: Beards do not suit some people, these people are known as women, and the lack of beard makes them automatically inferior. It also means they look like this:

The average woman.

Step Two[edit]

Allow your beard to grow then trim it into the desired style, this requires a beard trimmer(although in some extreme circumstances a chainsaw has been used). Due to a female conspiracy these have been forced to go incognito and currently under the guise of "Electric Hedge Trimmer and Automatic Machine Gun"

or if you're going for the ragged (and very sexy) Mr. Twit look simply stop shaving.

The Comb-Under[edit]

Pioneered by jealous women with long hair. A comb-under has the same effect as the Homer Simpson hairstyle on your chin. It is a Fail.

How the Comb-under was meant to look
How the Comb-under actually looks

See also[edit]

Sexual Fetishes, Paraphilias, and Assorted Perversions