HowTo:Identify a Noob

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This page contains profuse whining. Proceed with caution.

“I used to be a Noob, until i read this article and changed my ways”

~ Oscar Wilde on former n00bishness


~ Some dude on above quote by Oscar Wilde relating to another article

“Those stupid n00bs are so, like, annoying. Gosh!”

“Whiners are weiners”

~ Dakota Fanning on n00bs

“You think NOW it's bad, I had to deal with fricking Adam.”

~ God on n00bs

“1m 1_33t u [email protected]

~ N00bs on Anybody

“1 r nawt n00b u phail u n00b u lost teh game l0l!!!!oneone!!”

~ Big Submariner on n00bs

Noob (bastard) n. - A Noob is a person who plays MMORPG's and any game online to piss off the people around them for no apparent reason. These idiots gather together to annoy, pester, and even destroy the very fabric of sanity in the gamers who play just for fun, interaction with smart people and to cement their lack of social skills.


This article is to show the people who read it that they can be a noob, or have friends that are noobs. The best ways to find out are:

Did you know…
that this article was written by a n00b?
  • Where they live
  • What level are they
  • What they say
  • Where they gather
  • What they kill
  • how long they are online,
  • And more...

These people, or "n00Bs", have a very deranged social life, a more deranged real life (if any), and a weak vocabulary. How weak? Read on to find out. I suggest continuing to read anyways because when you're done, you'll realize how stupid half these people really are. N00bs can also be a person who sucks ass at everything they attempt.

Chapter 1, The Origin of the Noob[edit]

The origin of the Noob comes from the person reading those rat basterds who think halo 3 is a real sport. witch it is.......

Chapter 2, The Location in Which a Noob Lives[edit]

If this looks like your frickin sweet pad, you just might be...

the n00b lives in a shit hole that he likes to call his grandma's crusty vagina. He crawls out every once in a while to see if any of his fellow n00bs are walking by

Chapter 3, The Way of the Noob[edit]

Run for your lives!!!

The way of the noob is very short, and simple. All you need to do is piss off other people with a shitty vocabulary. Use 1337 speak, repeat yourself, and calling non-noobs noobs are but some examples in which you are the noob. The noob has their own language called 1337, which translates to 'leet' for the people who can't make letters from the numbers, and is an incorrect spelling of the word in the first place. In fact, the word is Elite, stupid idiot who made the word. Gosh.

The noob also uses a special feature called SPAM, the repitition of the same thing you heard a few fucking hours ago when it's better to say it in a public forum for the game. Also, spam is not very specific, only stating the name of the item, to 'msg' the person, and sometimes the price they want. This price is also usually inaccurate, being way to low or way to high if the person is selling. Be sure to find these people in wild areas that allow PKing and do rid them of their levels they don't deserve, as well as whatever you can salvage from their corpse, if anything remains.

Another thing they do is piss you off for doing something they maybe should NOT be doing, and then call YOU, yes, YOU, the noob. Do me a favor and sack these assholes. I don't care if they don't understand why, just do it, and maybe torture SLOOOOOOWWWWWWWWLYYYYYY...... get the pleasure from their arrogance... And then, if you succeed in torturing those morons, we could create a torture chamber and capture all n00bs and torture them forever!!! MWHAHAHAHA!!! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Sorry, I just really dread them. That kinda makes me a n00b too. Damnit.

And last, a noob uses cheat programs to make themselves progress faster, for bragging rights they don't deserve. These suckers don't usually realize though is that these hacking programs they have to download from sites which most likely put a spyware into the program to steal their account and rob them of their stuff they got from stupidity. If you are reading this, and make the programs to steal these people's accounts, I thank you for teaching them that cheating is very stupid in MMORPG's.

Chapter 5, How to be Like a Noob[edit]

  • Cheese is an absolute n00b magnet. As soon as n00bs sign off, they plop themselves on the couch and eat cheese or any other dairy products. Talk about cheese as much as you can, especially when the other players are trying to ignore you. Posting random "I LIEK [email protected] :DDDDDDD l0l" on the world channel is a must.
  • Play World of Warcraft and RuneScape
  • TALK WITH MUCH BAD GRAMMA WITH MUCH CAPITALS or with all lower case letters [email protected] cor&ect; punc+uati0n,
  • Skip chapter 4.
  • ask how to move and How shoot
  • Using excessive punctuation!!!!!!!!!!!!1111!!11one!!!!shift+1!!!!
  • Be pro
  • Ask stupid questions like "HOW DO I, ^E* KEY PRES$" and "hey u; wut iz ur screnname:".
  • Stat pad as often as possible.
Did you know…
the author of the article was born with knowledge of everything?
  • Ask "find where can i hax#".
  • Follow a pr0 around, and constantly ask to be "interweb pals"
  • Sell a shitty item for insanely high and then bitch about how no one wants to buy it.
  • Sell a very rare, powerful item (that you got out of pure luck) for insanely low and then ask for it back.
  • Run around a large town with a lot of people asking for free items.
  • Own an Xbox 360, a PS3, a Wii, a NDS, a GBA, a PSP and n00bs it up at both.
  • Constantly ask for help from the same person and for the same reason. What a moocher
  • The words 'sex', '3>', 'b00bs', and/or 'cyber-sex' in every single sentence for a quick banning. (or as a n00b would say, "FAST B7 QU|K")
  • Bumping threads that are a year old with a question on the FAQs list.
  • Have your username any of these: 'player', 'player1', 'someone', 'me', 'i', 'evil elf', '_X_x_X_x_LeGoLaZ_x_X_x_X129382893471' or your real name.
  • Introduce yourself to other people as your 'Xbox live' username. (Hello. My name's Colchester91!)
  • Ask for personal details about other players such as "what:s your home address!" and "whats youre ssn...".
    • Respond to either of the above questions (or any personal info questions) with the correct answer
  • Make a stupid reason for being a n00b like the one below.
  • Lie about your age. If you're 18, say your 12. If you're 12, say you're 18. But you're a better n00b if you're 12.
  • Post your shitty computer specs and the brag about them, such as "ha me have 5 kb hard drive beat that fag".
  • Complain about lag in a crowded area due to shitty computer specs, or you just F#&king suck at the WoW.
  • Ask to become an admin on your 1st post on the message board and then create hundreds of sockpuppets (that you abandon after one post) to campaign.
  • MySpace. Ask for everyone on the server for the URL to their MySpace page. If they say "I don't have one.", respond "\/\/[email protected] k|ND A faG RU OF NO mySpACE!"
  • Crack a mom joke every 4 minutes.
  • Ask pros for "phr33 st00f pl0x" , if they say no, start danceing,and say "wh3n 1 d41nc3 y00 g13ve, phr33 st00f pl0x!!!111!1!`1`~1one!". if they say GTFO n00b, then call then a fag, but do not leave till they give in.
  • Constantly stalk pros and loot them, followed by "[email protected] I j0in u [email protected] I'm pr0 1337age!"
  • Repeatedly ask "Wanna fight my main?!" If they say yes, run in the opposite direction while casting pathetic spells in every direction as a distraction.
  • Out of nowhere, just say ,"LMAO!" and then don't tell anyone what you're laughing at.
  • Read posts on how to be a n00b, just in case you're worried about not living up to your n00b potential.
  • Have any of the following names: Damien, Lyric, Jack, Mikeal, Ethan, Justin, Curtis B., Curtis T. or Jose. These are red flags that a person is a n00b.
  • Apply your n00bish ways to other aspects of your life, such as work, school, and your limited sex life.
  • Refuse to realized that the world hates your guts and wants to see your mangled body rotting on the side of a river while crows peck out your eyeballs.
  • If you are declared a n00b by an extremely awesome person.
  • If the first and last time you saw female genetalia, you were being born.
  • Use acronyms wherever possible, but only around people who have no idea what you are trying to say, or people who you say are your friend(s).
  • When having a spoken conversation with someone, use the same acronyms but speak the combination of letters as words.
  • Go to YouTube, find a sad video, and post "LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!111111111111111!!!!!!!!!!!!!" 10 times for every second the video lasts.
  • Play Call of Duty 4 and suck at it.
  • You don't know what WoW stands for.
  • Play Starcraft and not be Korean
  • Watch hentai and not be Japanese
  • Claim to be part genius part star.
  • Capitalize The First Letter Of Every Word You Type.
  • Listen to holly dolly
  • Add "n0t b33 [insert your name here]" to the "how to identify a noob" article
  • n0t b33 Michael Jackson!!!111!11!111`
  • n0t b33 Your Mom
  • n0t b33 an AnalVolcano
  • Use large
  • Edit and add your own n00b fact



between all


majority of

alll you


  • Insert horizontal lines everywhere across uncyclopedia pages.

  • Post the same thing someone else did

  • Ask "How play?"
  • Ask "how play?" again
  • Ask "how play?" until someone tells you or you get kicked
  • As soon as someone finishes explaining say "i no speak englais."
  • join in random server and swear at people thwn leave straight away
  • get anoyed and keep team killing until everybody leaves your team

Chapter 6, Reasons to kill the noobs[edit]

They're noobs. They do things that piss off the public in general, godmod or powerplay, cheat using programs that get their accounts hacked, kill people nearly ten times lower their level for items they can get from the weakest things in the game easily with no other benefits, and most importantly, WON'T SHUT UP!!! If there needs to be any other reason, or you have no reason, make one up and kill them anyways. They don't deserve to be on this world. If you are a noob, make your character commit at least one suicide or a few... Perhaps maybe more just to seem like you're a hero, when you're really not.

Chapter 7, Hunting Noobs[edit]

to hunt a n00b,:

  1. Immediately exclude Caelan Reid from the list because he is simple to awesome to be considered a noob.
  2. Unzip your zipper, it should already be unzipped, if you're a n00b.
  3. Pull out your huge penis; slowly, making sure they see the amazingly huge size.
  4. Pull down their pants, quickly and in public (in public if possible, if not possible do it in front of a hot chick).
  5. Laugh at n00bs whitey tighties.
  6. Scream in n00b caps lock "I'M HUNGRY [email protected][email protected]!".
  7. Fuck them so hard that they cannot feel the inside of their crusy asshole for weeks at a time
  8. Then, suck a fat chode the next morning just for fun and relaxation.
  9. Realize that that was actually sort of gay.
  10. Compare your awesomeness with their uncoolness, because your insecure.
  11. Drive on up to Ben's place. Nuff' said.

In Conclusion[edit]

I am a n00b, and an Ubnub