HowTo:Keep Americans out of your country
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Several strategies have proven successful to keep Americans out of your country. First of all several things attract Americans and should thus best be hidden or avoided, these include the following:
- being on the map, but not being America;
- The Queen
- drugs (see also Amsterdam and Colombia);
- donuts, especially WMD's;
- buildings older than the USA;
- any culture;
- being used as a setting for a Hollywood movie. Especially the romantic ones should be avoided;
- being mentioned in a guide from the Lonely Planet;
- American Idol;
It is also highly recommended that you read Fixing the wheel of the Anti-American Bandwagon, (by Cecil) which has several useful chapters on simple methods of apprehending the larger gentlemen of America.
Ways to scare them off can consist of killing them. This is done preferably in large quantities as that's more likely to attract attention of Fox News. Killing other nationalities does not help, as Americans will not be interested. If the amount of killed Americans rises there's a break-even point where even more Americans will come to your country. It is called an pre-emptive strike and offers the possibility to kill even more Americans.
Effects of American presence
American presence usually includes a money-flow to your country, yet side-effects are dangerous, these include:
- bombing, followed by reconstruction by Halliburton;
- visits from George W. Bush, including zoning off of entire cities;
- a dictator, who will be violently replaced by democracy several years later (e.g. Noriega, Saddam, "Million Dollar Man" Ted Dibiase), only to be put back in charge by the Americans later;
- Burger King and McDonalds;
- it makes your country an ideal spot for terrorism;
- local women with genital warts
- Further bombing
- Wearing carpet slippers at all times
- Instantly believing they know everything about 2nd hand books
- Buying up whole swathes of street in whatever village/town/city they happen to be staying in
- Annoying "cocky" accent
If you are a bookshop owner in Hay-On-Wye: DO NOT ALLOW AMERICANS INTO YOUR SHOP. They are similar to werewolves in that they cannot cross the threshold uninvited. However, an open door, window or letterbox can count as an invitation. If they use the word "quaint" it's not too late - you merely need to kill the American in question, bury it under a peat bog for four thousand years, dig it up again, and offer a glass of water. If they accept, repeat process.
If, however, in the dire situation where a visiting American uses the word "picturesque" in reference to your village/town/city, you must, MUST, set off the emergency thermonuclear device found under the counter at any self-respecting shop. If you are able to do this whilst crouching behind a hill four miles away, this is a bonus.
What Does NOT Work
- Resonably asking them to go away, debating the issue is also futile
- building large defences and bunkers at beaches, it will just make them come in larger numbers and heavily armored
- not having nuclear, biological or chemical Weapons means the same as above
- threatening to deploy WMD's you don't actually have (however, if you do have them, Americans will avoid you like literature)
- being a non-cliché French, German, Japanese or anything like this, it will just confuse them which make them pull their weapons they brought and gang together ---> large numbers, heavily armored