HowTo:Kill a Mockingbird
“If dat mockinbird don't sing, momma's gonna send in BB King ...”
“In Soviet Russia mockingbird kills YOU!!!”
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
If you are reading this page, it is because you probably read Harper Lee's novel in hopes of finding out how you can kill a mockingbird, and were disappointed to find that there is no discussion of how you can do it. There were discussions however, of slavery, rape and dogs with rabies. Rest assured, this is a fully comprehensive guide on how To Kill a Mockingbird. Or, it at least describes methods of killing mockingbirds. But first, there are some important things you must know about mockingbirds before you try to kill one.
- Do not approach a mockingbird. They are very, very dangerous. Thus, if you approach a mockingbird, it is not likely that you will survive.
- James Stroud is known to harbor the mocking birds and smells
- Mockingbirds have a very highly developed sense of hearing, to the point where it can even hear your thoughts. Thus, it is important that, when attacking, you scream very loudly.
- Do not use mockingbird whistles. Most have a manufacturing flaw that causes them to emit, instead of a friendly chirp, a mating call. This has caused a great many bird hunters to have a rather traumatic hunt.
- It is not a sin to kill a mockingbird; however it is a sin to not kill one.
(Notice a PPE-Professional Pirate Extrodinare can be hired to exterminate a mocking bird for free)
This step is, in fact, rather simple. All you need to do is find where the mockingbird’s nest is. This can be done in several ways, one of which includes the constant monitoring of lunar activity, but the easiest way to find a mockingbird is to graph the destruction it leaves behind on your local map. As you do this, a circular pattern should emerge. Obviously, it should not be a perfect circle because mockingbirds are stubborn bastards who don’t use compasses. It could be a rectangle or a cube. It could even be a parabola if your mockingbird likes quadratic functions. If it forms a cubic function, though, you most likely are very bad at graphing.
- Note: It is not suggested you attempt to hunt a mockingbird with a parabolic graph of destruction, as those birds are highly intelligent and difficult for even professionals to kill. Also, their nests are difficult to locate.
The nests of mockingbirds with a circular pattern of destruction, though, are quite easy to find. It should be located in the relative center of the circle (or rectangle). Once you have found this, you are ready to move on.
You have located zee mockingbird’s nest. But before you can kill zee mockingbird, you must know zee mockingbird. You must obzerve zee mockingbird as it goes about its daily life; you must know zis mockingbird's routine, and vunce you know zis mockingbird’s routine, you must become the mockingbird. You must live like zee mockingbird. You must eat vut zee mockingbird eats, you must zleep vith zee mockingbird, you must perch on zee tree branch as zee mockingbird perches on zee tree branch——you shall even need to coat yourself in maple zyrup and roll around in feathers so you look like zee mockingbird. Vunce you’ve become zee mockingbird, and only vunce you’ve become zee mockingbird, can you know zee mockingbird. And only vhen you know zee mockingbird can you kill zee mockingbird.
You know the mockingbird. Now all you need is to choose how you must kill the mockingbird.
- Gun: This is rather simple: point and shoot. but you'll miss since they are fast
- Cannon: Almost nearly the same as the prior, only with a cannon.
- Bazooka: Also as prior, but much more entertaining.
- Cat: Purchase a cat. Release it. Expect a lot of dead birds, as well as mice.
- Fire: Burn down the tree the mockingbird's nest is in.
- Sudden Fatal Expansion of the Cerebrum: Teach the mockingbird the basics of fractions and division, like , , and . Then teach the mockingbird that . Once it begins to ponder the statement, the mockingbird's head will asplode with a slight *poof*.
- Note: This method is not effective on mockingbirds that fly in a parabola, as they already know mathematics, as well as the fact that .
- Boredom: Make the mockingbird read Das Kapital by Karl Marx. Not only is the book a long and boring condemnation of capitalism, it's also written in 19th century German.
- Poisonous Gas: Although very, very illegal (and a war crime), this method is very effective. Well, not really. It’s actually hard to get a canister of mustard gas, even if you mix it yourself. It's even harder to throw the canister within a couple of feet of the mockingbird’s nest without alerting the mockingbird and giving away your position. Don’t even bother.
- Hurricane: This method, in fact also sucks. Not only is it difficult to flap your arms hard enough to create 100 mph winds, but also to aim a hurricane at a simple mockingbird.
- Tornado: This is even worse than a hurricane. Just screw it.
- Brutality: HP, LP, HP, BLK, LK, HK, HK, LK, HK, LP, HP. This often results in the total spontaneous explosion of the mockingbird’s body.
- Vindictive footware: Mockingbirds have shown susceptibility to vindictive footwear, especially stilettos.
- Using A Russian Russians and Mocking Birds are natrual enemies and so when they see each other they will instantly fight to the death.
- Thermonuclear Device: This method is highly recommended. It regarded as the most effective way to totally annihilate a mockingbird. It is also rather easy to perform also because all you need is a thermonuclear device and six weeks of training in piloting an airplane. If thermonuclear devices are too expensive or hard for you to obtain, however, saying the words "Zeeky Buggy Doog" will cause an H-bomb to suddenly explode. The downside? You too will die in the explosion.
- Notebooks: Will work only if its the Death Note variety, so before the massacre go to one of these people: Light Yagami, Misa Amane, Fish, Domo-Kun or Mikan Sakura to get one.
- Konami Code: This highly destructive sequence will kill the mockingbird in several hilariously entertaining ways. Users of the Konami Code have reported that the events, although random, have been known to generate robot dinosaurs, regular dinosaurs, and giant dinosaur effigies made of bananas. Be wary of the power you hold, however, as the code produces a random event that ultimately destroys the mockingbird and a parabola of destruction greater than or equal to that of the mockingbird. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. The sequence is up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A. Many scientists have had success summoning the Konami Code with gaming console controllers and even kittens(see above).
However, a council of ninjas hundreds of years ago (only accessible by flying time castle), the only people in possession of the rare book, "How to Kill a Mockingbird", say the only way to kill a mockingbird is to hit it with the moon. The theory was to be tested in space, where the entire mockingbird armada was waiting. All the fireballs, presidents, volcanoes, dinosaurs, ninjas, bears, sharks and pirates were locked in a battle until the pirates decided that the strategy was stupid and launched all the nuclear missiles at them. Although this technique worked, it also destroyed much of the Earth.