HowTo:Make A Modern Hollywood Blockbuster
So you want to be the creator of the next Hollywood Blockbuster but don't know where to start? Well you've come to the right place my friend - so come on in, sign a few forms and get ready for the ride of your life as you enter the wondrous world of How To Make A Hollywood Blockbuster..
Step 1 - Name Your Movie
It's time to name your movie, be sure to make it as long and corny as possible - trust us, nobody wants to go see a movie called Bambi or something - no the modern audience is much more sophisticated and now demand their movies have titles that roll off the tongue such as "My Best Friend Is A Hamster" or "Mr And Mrs Screwball's Totally Amazing Adventures Through Explosion Land" - alternatively name it after a power-tool, weapon or copyrighted character and you're bound to reel people in!
Step 2 - Plot
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This is the easiest part of the movie-making business - all you have to do is collect a large number of clichés and borrow some known plot-lines from other films: play on racial stereotypes, violence and above all else flashy digital effects - the uglier the better.. you can try for quality but if you're that committed we suggest you stop reading this How To right now as you are clearly not the kind of creator who is going to be successful - also try and have a pointless love-story in your movie regardless of content as it is a hit with the ladies: oh yeah.. we must also stress that you try and include at least one token gay.. this will make your movie both thrilling and controversial and nothing says "movie greatness" like a protest or two from certain religious bodies.
Step 3 - Actors
It's all about the money baby, who needs human actors that demand lots of money when you can have equally (if not more) realistic actors in the form of CGI constructs we can all learn to love and fear in equal quantities - be sure to hire a few unheard of actors as well - much like hiring illegal-immigrants it will see your movie flourish and you won't need to worry about cost as you can pay them as little as you want (disclaimer: we take no responsibility for financial losses or injury incurred if you go through with this)
Step 4 - Advertisement
This is crucial - advertising your movie will be the key to its success so be sure to stick posters over every available space you can find - you may even hire a fat man to wear a shirt or better yet have two fat men wear shirts, this way you'll be seen as a promoter of equal opportunities as well as a master of advertising.
Step 5 - Profit
Now all you have to do is sit back and relax as you find yourself bathing in public appreciation (this is a metaphor, hopefully) and cash - you'll have succeeded in your goal of making a modern Hollywood Blockbuster and soon will be ready to make a sequel.. or two.. or three.. heck why not make an entire franchise? You're worth it!