HowTo:Make Up European Countries

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Making up European countries is a much loved pastime all over the globe, especially in Kakoslovakia and Fookanslavia, where it's the national sport.

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Making up European countries is a much loved pastime all over the globe, especially in Kakoslovakia and Fookanslavia, where it's the national sport. It involves greeting somebody in a European accent, speaking bad English and pretending you come from a fictional country.

Inventing Your Country Of Origin[edit]

Before you begin taking on your European persona, you must decide on your country of origin. There are three main endings to a European country which are -slovakia, -slavia and -ania. You must then create a first part for the country. To make it sound appropriately European, use as many Ks and Ys as possible. Remember: if your country has a "y" or "i" sound in it, and you are asked to write it down, remember to write the "y" or "i" sound as a "j". Many Eastern European countries do not have the letter "y" and have outlawed the use of the letter "i". Example: Ksyslovavianiaj (pronounced Kis-Yis-lo-va-ki-av-i-an-ia-ee)

Appearance[edit]

Tip

Why not take a bath in vodka and onion juice to give yourself that distinct foreigner smell?

In order to create an authentic European appearance, you can do several different things. The best thing you can do is grow a beard or use a beard substitute. All people in smelly European countries have beards, including the women. You should also wear old clothes and as many scarves as possible. Badly groomed hair couldn't hurt, either.

Attitude[edit]

To become a convincing European, you must have the right attitude. Showing a general dislike of Americans and any country south of the equator will fool most people. However, if you're talking to a European or anybody that's been to Europe, you will have to be much more convincing. A great way to fool the more "educated" idiots is to have a favorite drink. Every European country has adopted an alcoholic beverage that they drink to show patriotism. Whether it's a drunk Irishman never seen without his bottle of Guinness, a "sophisticated" Frechman that drinks wine like water, or a rugged Russian that would snap your neck for a drop of vodka, drinking, along with war, is one of the two great pastimes of Europe. When you choose your drink, however, be cautious. You must know all places within ten square miles that sells that drink, have at least two gallons of various brands of that drink somewhere in your house, and be able to drink any and all locals under the table. If you can't, and a European comes along, you're screwed. Europeans tend to be very protective of their drinks, and if they think you're misusing them, they will beat the shit out of you. Even the French will do so if you do something to offend their wine. After all, they have to proud of something.

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