HowTo:Make a Four Year Old Laugh
This is one of Life’s Unanswerable Questions but now comes to you Answerably at minimum cost and down payment. How do I make something young and infantile effect in laughter? You would in all probability believe that saying, “You there, laugh.” would be a modest enough gesture to achieve this particular task; but no, it is far more sinister and diabolic than what you are currently imagining; for this question has been pondered on about the ages amongst things that breathe for the past few days or so. Now, finally in HTML form, comes the possibly first guide on how to make a four year old
Throughout this text we will demonstrate for you the precise routines and exact methods you can incorporate into your daily activities with young juveniles and midgets in order to make them laugh.
Please note that the title of this article corresponds to the surveys and research carried out during the course of these experiments. The trials you are about to see below are relative to the findings conducted with a compulsory hostile-participant test and control groups composed of four year olds and a few midgets.
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
Probably the easiest and most affordable way to get a four year old to laugh is by performing a simple standard bowel-movement. According to scientists, you have a 52.3% chance of making a four year old laugh through the act of farting and a 71.9% chance of making them laugh by farting repetitively. (See Fart Machine Gun). You can also just supplement the word, "Fart", anywhere in a conversation with a four year old and they will laugh. Most effective with intelligent children, including girls. This is contrary to their adult counterparts.
Depending upon the subject’s gender, the margin being approximately 2.9% lesser with females, you will still have the majority of influence provided that you can supply constant and emphatic gas power over a short period of time. Make sure also that your gaseous offering constitutes a vibrating resonance; otherwise, your efforts will have no audible effect and will just make your subject tear from the smell of your putrid intestinal exhaust. Consult your nearest physician if you are encountering this problem or having difficulties with this particular technique.
Martha Stewart has a bestselling book available that contains a chapter on making children laugh called, “Lonely Housewives and Raunchy Teens.” This women's self-help/sexual health book has become a paragon amongst single family households and pleasure-driven trophy wives all over the nation.
Crap Pants while Bungee Jumping
Despite its unwholesomeness, this is probably the sanest way to entertain one or more four year olds in a room containing a bungee cord, laxative, and something to hang on. Albeit stressful and embarrassing, this practice has the highest survivor success ratio.
Walter Matthau was one of very few people who failed at making a four year old laugh by means of this particular method. After cracking an otherwise dud joke about Bob Hope to his grandchildren, Walter realized that he was just being senile and unfunny. Taking no other options into consideration firsthand, Walter resorted immediately to the old ‘crap your pants on a bungee cord’ gag in order to successfully humor his grandchildren.
After falling over his oxygen tank a few times and getting stuck in his wheelchair, Walter managed to secure the television cord to his belt loop and then to the ceiling lamp. He then proceeded to consume eighteen servings of laxative without water. Walter then, as always, said five Hail Mary’s and suspended himself upside down over the living room floor to his grandchildren’s delight. Unfortunately, the children did nothing but cry and scream. Walter eventually fell down off the wire on to the livingroom floor saturated in his own waste and urine. The evening eventually ended with two very confused parents and a group of children screaming, “Grandpa! Grandpa! NOooo!!”
Since the death of Matthau, families around the world have engaged in Bungee Crapping as a memorial-esk tribute to honor the mental defects of medicinal geriatrics and old people who like to
put the fear of God in frighten children.
If you are interested in pursuing the sport of Bungee Crapping further or intend to make a career out of it, consult your nearest psychologist and inquire them as to what specific steps you should take towards obtaining a full Bungee Crapper's license and or diploma.
Make Funny Noises
Funny noises go a long way with four year olds. You might have too dull a personality or are incapable of entertaining adults with your foolish antics such as the time when you thought it would be funny to plug your nose and jet a loogy into the casket at your friend’s mother’s funeral,
Brilliant!. The ability to make funny noises is one particular talent that can guarantee you a good laugh from a group of toddlers. Consider the famous Michael Winslow from Police Academy as an inspirational model of excellence for the aural entertainment of children and mentally retarded adults.
A simple yet sometimes ineffective way to make a four year old laugh is to simply say the word poop. The word poop works more effectively in boys because no thought is required. According to laboratory tests conducted in Oklahoma City, 7 out of 10 four year old boys will laugh after hearing the word poop. The girls will just squirm at the mere sound of the word and will consequently substitute their own diction with words like "nice" or "sweet" to offset any toilet-related utterances from their male counterparts.
Make Funny Faces
Very similar to making funny noises, only this portion requires an ability to control and contort facial muscles as well as making optical gestures. (See Eleanor Roosevelt, Your mom, a mirror,
Gerald Ford and Saddam Hussein for a reference on funny faces.) Of course this becomes easy when one has a 'funny' face by birth; unlike the unfortunate persons who have 'sad' faces. It's all about facing the truth, or in this case facing the four year old child. Some experts might compare this situation with facing the music, regardless of whether any music is being played (or not,) or not.
Why clowns are so funny we are still unsure. We have yet to collect some more data on clown behavior, but as they've been extinct since 2005, this poses a problem. (See The Beheading of Bozo the Clown). Excavations are currently being ordered to unearth petrified remains of clowns from the past century, but so far progress has been slow (i.e. we've found a lot of wet black stuff and shiny things that go "tingg!", but no clowns.
So far from our research, we've discovered that history beheld only four different types of clown. Their dates of inception and extinction are:
1. Funny Clowns (8294BC - 8293BC)
2. Scary Clowns (1951AD - present)
3. Mascot Clowns (1946AD - 2001AD)
4. Pervert Clowns (1960AD - present)
5. Pedophile Clowns (forever - present)
Reference a Stupid Uncyclopedia Article
This is the best and most highly recommended method we suggest for you to incorporate into your practice in making a four year old laugh. Although you may incur sufferings of severe head-trauma and or dumpster cancer, we still consider this the safest and most humane option for a mature adult.
P.S. This goes without saying but stupid Uncyclopedia articles will naturally make you stupider and consequently more unfunny in the eyes of ununfunny people. This is a risk you should be willing enough to take because as you now know; with four year olds, stupid=funny.
when they are not looking give them candy and punch their face.
Last but not least: the fail-safe way to make a four year old laugh
This is really easy, TOTALLY failsafe and with a 2^276,209 to one, chance of harming yourself. Are you ready for the secret?
Alright: Just put two or more four-years-old in the same room, and they will start to laugh after a very short time. This will work for all types of four year olds especially retarded ones and those who speak different languages.
Side effects: Assembling four-years-olds in a small furnished room will unremittingly result in broken chairs, robots, windows, computers, et cetera. Be sure to have enough money. Harmful to pocketbook. Cya.