HowTo:Make a Microwave Meal
On Why You Are Neither Healthy Nor Smart
The easiest meal to cook, for either breakfast, lunch or dinner, is a microwavable boxed meal. Almost any type of food can be bought at the frozen food section of your Supermarket, and they are all suited to this wondrous cooking method. This may be a revelation to many but it's a fact all the same. Peel your butt off the computer chair and go down there and check it out (we tell you how in detail below). While each pre-fabricated chemically altered meal needs little or no preparation,
not all none are healthy for you, and on occasion some will not fit into your particular diet needs or even your freezer box, especially if you go for the extra large uncut buffalo deal. While it might be easy and fast to cook (not the buffalo, the boxed meal you moron), it is not as easy to find the exact food that you prefer. Especially if you can't be bothered looking while you are glued to the computer screen. Here we unwrap the complexity of obtaining a microwave meal and preparing it for those of you whose life revolves around time spent on the computer.
- Go to the frozen food section of your local supermarket. You can find this by looking out for large freezers, which will usually be full of frozen food. It is not the section containing petfood, clothing or stationery.
- Don't be alarmed by the wide selection of products on display! In general, frozen meals are separated into various meal types, ie; breakfast, dinners, deserts, snacks, fish, meat and so on. Each section is then broken down into the names of the company that creates those particular meals. All of this may come as a shock to the avid consumer as they go about the business of purchasing frozen food for the first time as it's so logical that it breaks right through all that has previously appeared logical and becomes almost surreal. I mean, c'mon, can't stores be more original and mess things up? Shopping is not good for human health anymore and if the powers-that-be in shopping land don't provide the thrill of the hunt, human powers are diminished. So, take a moment in your contemplation of your next meal to mess it up a bit and make things better for the next lazy git seeking a quick meal.
- Notice that not all the frozen meals are supplied in boxes. Though this may at first appear to be some sort of liberal hippy tree-saving idea, there is a good reason for it - many meals are, instead, wrapped in plastic bags. Plastic bags have a two-fold advantage in that, firstly, their production requires oil with all of the pollution entailed; and secondly, when they end up in the sea (as a great many do), they look irresistibly like jellyfish to sea turtles and dolphins who will choke to death on them and die. These bags are not going to bite you and they will still serve the purpose of getting your cheap and unhealthy meal home in one piece (provided you don't gnaw at it on the way home, a temptation too great for computer sloths who calculate that eating it before reaching home and the required microwave will gain bonus computer time). Unfortunately, in addition to shape-changing microwave meal packaging, some meals are so inconsiderately produced as to waste your time by requiring other ingredients not included in the bag - however, in many cases, this will be limited to water which can be found in the majority of kitchens. As if that is not enough, many have specific ways to prepare them. Some also take longer to cook then others. These ones should be discarded in the interest of faster time to return to ogling the computer screen.
- Look to see if the meals are intended to be eaten by one, or by the entire family. This is not always easy to notice because the boxed meal is larger than most boxes hiding out in the supermarket. If the boxed meal is larger than your butt, it will be nigh on impossible to find the details. If so, you should assume that the meal serves only one - in fact, the box gives little if any indication of the mass of the food contained within, as frozen foods are often placed in a plastic tray inside the box itself. Though the plastic tray may give the impression of a greater amount of food, it serves perfectly well as a plate from which to eat the food that can be easily discarded after use and thus saves more time that would otherwise be spent washing up. Neverless, bearing this in mind, should the box claim that its contents are sufficient for one, better buy three of them just in case. For the working mother who must provide a hot, nutritious meal in as little time as possible for her husband and children there is the convenient 'Family' sized microwavable frozen meal, usually containing sufficient food to provide a light snack to an anorexic, and will have been specially formulated to be as bland as possible so as not to offend the tastes of any family member; or at the very least until little Jemima turns 13, discovers vegetarianism and refuses to eat proper food. Gaining this vital information brings into play the difficulty of finding the "face" of the box, as most microwavable boxed meals tend to be shy and turn their face away from you. Persevere. You can do this. By the way, since it is doubtful you actually have a family or you wouldn't be hunting so relentlessly for a microwave meal, why even bother worrying about this step?
- Select the meal or meals you require and turn the box over to read the ingredients. This step does require that you have taken Reading 101 at some point in your life. Make sure that you can eat the ingredients (this means checking that your dentures are properly inserted, that your fingers have been removed from external orifices and that you actually have a 5 second window of opportunity in between mouse clicks) used to prepare this food and that it is in fact food, as many supermarkets sell a number of other boxed products that can be easily confused with food such as washing powder and Pop-Tarts.
- Check the price and compare it to other similar frozen meals. Look at the expiration date to make sure it is fresh. This step can be skipped in all reality because a person who spends their life eating frozen meals doesn't so much as give a shit about the quality of the food entering their body, so who gives a flying fig for expiration dates? As for price, there is no price too high for ensuring more time at the computer.
- Make your way towards the checkouts, where you will be expected to exchange money for the food. It is important to also purchase some sort of food that can be consumed immediately and without cooking on the way, such as Spam, as there is a very high possibility of there being several old ladies already queueing to pay, each of whom will spend at least 20 minutes finding their purses, 20 minutes organising the coupons they've cut out from old lady magazines entitling them to a few pennies off the price of their cabbage and bottles of Scotch and at least twice that amount of time fishing small amounts of change from the bottom of their cavernous shopping bags. Having paid for the frozen meal, take it home and put it in your freezer unless you plan to consume it immediately. Hopefully this will not prove too much of an exertion for your soft joints that rarely ever get to exercise or see the light of day but we're pretty certain you can do it. Eventually. Practice makes perfect and all that.
- When you decide to cook one (the meal, not your bowels), just look at the cooking directions on the box. Then look down, around and through the other side. Somewhere on that box (whatever happened to the plastic bag - didn't you buy one?), you will find the Holy Grail of instructions. These can be disregarded, as they bear no relevance whatsoever to the cooking time actually required and will cause the food to be either raw and possibly to remain frozen in the middle, or to be so overcooked it tastes like cigarette ash.
- Open the box and remove the food. This is probably the hardest step of all. Really, it takes patience, fortitude and steel resolve to open a microwave box. Or, if you find yourself lacking in these virtues, use a pair of scissors. Beware the microwavable meal box guardians who are ready to bite at the first sign of entry of fingers. These can be lethal if not tackled in advance.
- If you are eating a frozen boxed meal, just slit the plastic on top, place it into the microwave, set the proper time. and close the door. Oh please close that door. If you don't, very bad things will ensue. Really demonic and destructive things. In a worst case scenario, the microwave's safety mechanism will prevent the meal from being cooked, forcing you to spend yet more of your precious time on a project that you almost certainly became bored of back in Step 1.
- If you are going to cook a full meal that comes in bags, prepare the meal as directed, then place the mixture into the microwave and again set the proper time and wait for the microwave to finish cooking. If you don't follow this step, you probably bought a box when we lovingly suggested it was also okay to get a plastic bag. Of course, this step might entail actually adding additional ingredients and for that, you will need to follow a whole new How To.
- Using a fork or spoon, scoop up a small amount of the food, and transfer to the mouth having made sure that the lips and teeth are parted so as to allow access. Chew. If your teeth make a cracking sound, you have either neglected to remove the fork from the mouth or the food is still frozen and will require further cooking. If you become aware of the smell of burning flesh, the food has been over-heated and must be allowed to cool. Once the necessary remedial action has been carried out, once again attempt to taste the food. You will now discover it to be disgusting, so let it go cold and give it to the cat.
- If you didn't wait for the box or bag to cook, (and we know this is probably highly likely due to your computer neediness), just allow to thaw, stir and eat bone cold. Your body won't notice and will even thank you - for finally feeding it something, anything.
- Don't let the neighbors in on your dirty little secret. They will call the health department to have your microwave cleaned.
- Don't let the family know what you're up to or they will request advance inheritance rights. No, these haven't been invented yet but it'll only take you to have them passed as law in no time.
Things You'll Need
- That rare commodity, time
- Front door key
- Pastry vendor