HowTo:Pass the time in a Wal★Mart
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It can be incredibly tiresome to have to wait for any length of time in a Wal★Mart, but fear not! There are solutions to this problem.Listed below are many fun things to do at Wal★Mart. These thing will either piss someone off or leave them wondering what happened. They may even scratch their head so long, that they get to their brain.
Tried and true ideas
- Count how long you have to stare at the senile door greeters before they grimace and grunt hello. Compare and average the cumulative totals for the nation.
- Repeatedly enter and leave the store and count how many "visits" it takes to make the greeter stop greeting you, compare the average cumulative totals for the nation.
- Walk up to an associate and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code Blue in house wares," and see what happens.
- Go through checkout with a bag of goldfish, tartar sauce, and a deep fryer.
- Put M&M's, frozen food, gum, a live lobster or lettuce on layaway.
- Replace the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest rooms with "Wallabies" and "Wallaroos" then watch the confusion ensue.
- Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
- In the Sporting Goods section, look for someone looking at golf stuff, go to the end of the aisle, throw a golf ball near the person, yell "fore" and finally, the last and most important step, run!
- Get a small firecracker and go to the hunting section when there are a large amount of people. Suddenly scream, set off the firecracker, and drop to the floor. See how long it takes for the other customers to get out from under the table.
- Keep asking the employees, 'Can you tell me what aisle the 'walls' are on? This is Wall Mart, correct?'
- Follow a shopper. When they aren't looking fling shit into their cart. Religious cds, fungal cream, panties, and motor oil always get great responses.
- Take a cabbage patch doll through self checkout and ring it up under the produce code for cabbage.
- Replace products in the frozen foods section with fish bait from the sporting department. Hell, give out some samples and see what happens.
- See how many people you can fit into a cart.
- Go to the Toy Department and take up an entire aisle with a full scale battle of G.I. Joe vs. The X-Men.
- Find an unused telephone, pick up the receiver and press pound ( # ) 9666 to activate the intercom system, and yell out over the store's loudspeaker system as loud as you can to try and scare other customers.
- Start following people asking "Are you my Mother?"
- Challenge other customers to light saber duels or sword fights with rolls of wrapping paper.
- Pick a random shopper to follow as soon as they walk in the store. Follow them, at a guarded distance, and buy everything that they buy. When they are done, stand behind them in line and review each product. Announce loudly who stupid or useless each product is one at a time. Make comments like, "I don't know who in their right mind would wear this shirt. I must have been out of my mind picking this up." or "Fungal Cream! What am I, a fucking mutant or something?" See if you can get them to cry.
- Set all of the alarm clocks to go off at the same time during the day.
- Yell, "THIS IS SPARTAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!" over the intercom
- Get at least 5 other friends, three carts, 9 inflated balloons, and three separate bags of water balloons. Partner up and play your own version of live action mariokart. don't forget to use pickup a bunch of bananas from the produce dept.
- Tell the cashier you are from Immigration Services.
- Or ask for the manager, and say all the employees are being deported to Mexico.
- Find a heavyset shopper buying food and follow them. Every time they buy something unhealthy shake your head and make a "tsk tsk" sound of disapproval. If they buy something healthy give them a smiley face sticker instead.
- Get a bunch of friends and have a race with shopping carts.
- Speak in broken, insistent Spanish to the cashier while handing her dozens of coupons for items you didn't purchase.
- When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
- Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror and pick your ass.
- While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
- When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!"
- Hang out around the Pharmacy in a trench coat and look as suspicious as possible. Whenever a customer picks a product sneak up behind them and tell them you have the same drug/medicine in your car outside for cheaper. Tell them that, "it's good shit, and check it yo, the first try is free."
- Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while; and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
- Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
- Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. Touch them as much as possible. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
- Yell random names to see if anyone will answer.
- Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
- Get Kool Aid packets and a big jar of pickles. Make candied pickles right in the store. Try to sell them to passersby for a nickle a pickle. If the staff asks you what the hell you with you are doing, them this that you live in America - the land of opportunity. Tell them they will get their damn money as soon as you sell the rest of your pickels. Ask them to help you out by singing "Candied Pickles for only a Nickle! Aisle 5!" as they work.
- Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
- Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
- Ring the Bell at the Fabrics Section repeatedly to piss off all near by employees and see how long it takes for her (what man would work in the Fabrics Section?) to kill you.
- Try to have an argument on the intercom with a Tickle Me Elmo®.
- Grab some carts and go to random parts of the store and put things into it (a lot of small items and a TV to be funnier) until its overflowing and take it to the front and leave it.
- During Christmas season, ask a random employee which one of the overweight men (they may say they are women, but who are they kidding) sitting in front of the dressing rooms is Santa.
- Target(as in target target, not the department store that isn't Wal-Mart) one individual and make eye contact with them so that they notice you. Follow them around staring at them the whole time until they make eye contact again, yell at them "JESUS CHRIST WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LOOKING AT?" as loud as possible and storm away.
- Go to the hunting department and ask the clerk what the best gun would be to kill your wife.
- Go to the aisle where the air fresheners are located, peel off a few scratch 'n' sniff stickers and go to the women's department and adhere the stickers to some panties.(Optional: Wait around casually to see if anyone does sniff them)
- Go through checkout with a toilet seat, two plungers, Pepto Bismol, four cans of Oust, a 12-pack of toilet paper, and a box of laxatives.
- Dress up in a monster outfit, wait between two cars in the parking lot and jump up and scream at the guy who puts fliers on windshields as he walks past.
- Go to the athletics area, and ride at least 4 different bikes around the store. Upon returning the last bike, (I'm sure all of Wal★Mart staff is around you by now) ask one of the employees if they finance bikes over $100 and show him/her your proof of insurance.
- Ask an employee where you can find Gringott's bank in a hushed tone.
- Park your car in the automotive garage and walk into the store. Buy a few things like you normally would and leave before they call a tow-truck.
- Place a VIP entrance sign over the shopping cart storage area on the outside of the store.
- Run to the door greeter and frantically say your kid is trapped in the toy crane machine, when they crawl away for help run out of the store.
- Ask a employee if the hiring terminal can get MySpace on it.
- Go to the store dressed as Tinky Winky then creep out one of the clerks by standing behind him/her and just stare at them.
- Go to the gun section, and say you need a gun for your job. When asked what your job is, say postal worker.
- Go to an any aisle, let's say an aisle with toilet paper, keep asking random people where the toilet paper is.
- Use the intercom, and say "Clean up on aisle 3!", then about 30 seconds later say, "Clean up on aisle 4!", repeat till they figure out what is happening.
- Find two different brands of Shampoo and ask the employees which would work better, keep interrupting them and annoy them as much as possible till they leave.
- Yell on intercom, "for the next five minutes only, 99% off everything," watch what happens.
- Go around the store whispering to the customers, "I am from the National Food and Drug administration, have you ever felt queasy from eating the food bought here? I am writing a report on this place, and so far... well, you get the idea."
- Buy an <insert item here>, walk on foot away from the door then walk back in and return it. Go get another of the <insert item here> and repeat the process. When asked, say you are trying to get the best <insert item here> in the store.
- Use the intercom and say, "This store has been quarantined for <insert deadly disease here>, please remain calm, there is plenty on paper to write wills in the office section, and the telephone is open to anyone wanting to make any last connections to loved ones before the agonizing pain kicks in, anyone that leaves the store will be shot by the military, have a nice day."
- Act like you own the place then go through the check out line naked
- Buy a bag of Skittles and throw them at people while yelling, "Taste the freakin' rainbow!!!"
- Go on the intercom and declare that you are God and that the people in the store are the chosen followers to save the world.
- Dart around the store, casting furtive glances at other patrons while humming the Mission Impossible theme
- Enter the fitting rooms with as many articles of clothing as possible, and simply dump them in the inside. Then, sneak away. For an added effect, try to bring in things from other aisles and dump them in too.
- Hide in the clothing racks and shout things like "Pick me, pick me!" at passerby.
- Obtain three small animals, such as cats, dogs, squirrels or, for preference, alarmed chickens. Tag/Number them 1, 2 and 4. Release them one by one into strategic points around the store. See how long they search the store for the chicken marked 3.
- Set all the display radios to the polka station at maximum volume and turn them off.
- Drag a chair from the furniture department to the electronics department and watch TV. Optionally, get a sandwich from the Subway if there is one.
- Flip the circuit breaker on and off.
- Go to customer service tell the employee you lost your ten year old son some where in the store and you would him to be paged to the front of the store. Tell them his name is Nick and the last name is spelled G-E-R-Z. After they page his name over the store's PA system, wait and see what happens.
- Set every TV in the electronics department to something sexual or violent, and see what develops.
- Wrap a friend in toilet paper, and see how far you can get before getting kicked out.
- Rob the place with a fake gun.
- Grab a fake gun, preferably a real looking one, a firecracker and a bottle of Ketchup, go into a section of the store where nobody is, perhaps the hunting section (for extra lols). Wait until people leave the isle you are on, open the bottle of Ketchup, squirt it in your mouth and the side of your head. Lay on the floor, put the gun in your hand, hide the tomato sauce, and then let the firecracker off. People will scream, and check what happened. When people come, lay motionless, and when they bend down to inspect you, open your eyes and pretend to act like a crazy off of 28 Days Later. If someone catches you in the act, scream like a girl, and charge after them.
- Take porn dvd's and racist/gangster rap cd's and mix them in with the children and religious music. Wait for someone to stumble across it, and then walk up to them and bitch about them getting the last copy.
- Go to where the costumes are, dress up in something simple(such as a basket ball player costume), add a mask and hat and go to the decorations. Take one of those big fake candy canes and run to the toys, get on the smallest tricycle and have someone pull you by the candy cane on the tricycle. Ride past as many people as possible and fall while turning corners. Squirm around etc etc etc.... you get it..
- Walk around the parking lot with a greasepaint marker (like the ones they use in used car lots) and draw random squiggly designs and/or faces on side car windows of random cars.
- Get a garden hose and ask the clerk at the front desk for the location of the nearest spigot. Insist on trying out the hose before purchasing it. If they are actually stupid enough to let you try it out, proceed to spray them and everything else in the store. Tell them you are buying the hose with the intent of spraying people. Ask if there is an optional insurance plan for the hose.
1.Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2.Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3.Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4.Start playing football -- see how many people you can get to join in.
5.Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and yell, I need some tampons
6.Try on bras over top of your clothes.
7.Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.
8.While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible Sex and Candy
9.Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares, and see what happens.
10.Tune all the radios to a polka station, then turn them all off and turn the volume to 10.
11. Wait at the entrance to the store with an official looking suit on and tell them that you're from the FBI to turn around and go home, when they ask why, scream at them simply "official business!", escorting them to their cars may be necessary.
12.Walk up to complete strangers and say, Hi, I haven't seen you in so long... etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
13.While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, Who BUYS this shit, anyway?
14.Repeat "Number 13" in the jewelry department.
15.Put pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually.
16.Leave small sacrifices such as pieces of meat out of their packages or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.
17.Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
18.As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, Wow. Magic
19. Follow some random customer around the store with a Tickle-Me Elmo and make it make sounds constantly, when they tell you to stop, tell them "This is really fun!"
20.Move Caution: Wet Floor signs to carpeted areas.
21.Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
22.Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
23.Nonchalantly test the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
24.Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying,...I'm Batman. Come, Robin -- to the Batcave"
25.TP as much of the store as possible.
26.Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles, when you hear people noticing them, scream "target neutralized!".
27.Play with the calculators so that they all spell hello(01134) or boobs (58008) upside down.
28.When someone asks if you need help, ask them if they need any help, repeat whatever they they say afterwards until they leave you alone.
29.When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, Red Rover
30.Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
31.Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full-scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
32.Take bets on the battle described above, inviting others to join in.
33.Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. Barbie. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect...)
34. Ask an employee to help you pick out the best kind of toothpaste, then ask them to help get a toothbrush, make your way to condoms if you're a male and tampons if you're a female, then get really graphic in your questions on how they worked for them, ex: "So, does this one fit really tight if you have like a 5" inch?" or "Well, you see, mine's like really small, so I'm not sure if this one will even fin in there.", see how long it'll take for them to turn ren in the face or just walk away.
35.While no one's watching, quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.
36.Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission: Impossible.
37.Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
38.Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
39.Fill an entire cart with boxes of the largest condoms you can find and watch everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.
40.Set up a Valet Parking sign in front of the store.
41.Two words: Marco Polo.
42.Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
43.Re-alphabetize the CD's in Electronics.
44.In the auto department, practice your Madonna look with various funnels, then attempt to arouse the male employees.
45.Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like the fat man walks alone, and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.
46.While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Exp: The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won. Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.
47.When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, No, no It's those voices again
48.Go to an empty checkout stand with brown pants and a blue polo shirt and try to check people out.
49.Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax.If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
50.Get a stuffed animal, go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying Good girl, good Bessie." For added effect, you may want to get a pokemon doll and hump it viciously while screaming 'I LIKE MUDKIPS!!!!!!!!!'
51.Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putting one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.
52.When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
53.Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
54.Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
55.Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from the other aisles.
56.In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with a girl and start flirting with him as ditzily as possible: Hi (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle). When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. Hi (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle).
57.Hold indoor shopping cart races.
58.Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
59.When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially through narrow aisles.
60.Relax in the patio furniture, assuming suggestive poses until you get kicked out.
61.Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
62.Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
63.Say things like, Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?
64.Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., Do you have any Shnerples here?
66.Ride a display bicycle through the store -- claim you're taking it for a 'test drive.
67.Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
68.Get boxes of condoms and randomly slip them into peoples' carts when they aren't paying attention.
69.Make a manikin look as real as possible and make out with it in the middle of the store. Put some lipstick on the manikin for extra effect.
70.Stand in front of a dressing room or bathroom with some friends and wait for people to come out, when they come out just stare at them until they leave.
71. Gather large boxes for things like TVs and fridges and create your WWII fort and then stock up on ammunition (Toilet paper rolls, small boxes etc) and when other customers walk by, ask them to join your army, then mercilessly pelt employees with toilet paper rolls.
72. Alert employees and announce over the intercom that you lost your <woodchuck, squirrel etc> in housewares and demand for everyone in the store to search.
73. Actually release a <insert small animal here> into the store and watch the chaos ensue.
74. Begin to cry and tell elderly employees your tragic life story. If they try to leave exclaim "This is just like when dad left!"
75. Challenge random customers to dance offs and crank the radios up. If they refuse begin to taunt them.
76.Ride the Conveyor belt in the check outline.
77. Run around the store reading Cosmo and giggle wildly while passing other customers whispering dirty words.
78.Ask employees their opinion on every product you can find and when they say they don't know exclaim that its a terrible store and tjhat the service is terrible. Begin to kick the shelves etc.
79. Try to return items from other stores or try to apply for a job wearing a k mart uniform.
80. Try to relieve other employees of their shift and direct customers to random parts of the store.
81.Make blockades in aisles out of boxes or cans.
82. Grab any phone, push #9666. That's for paging. And say, code black. Which means bomb threat. Believe me I know, I work there.
83. Go to the hardware section and get a hammer and then go to the electronics section. With a mighty swing, smash the glass of the video game case that is apparently supposed to protect them from dust and grab as many as you can and wait for a Wal*Mart employee to show up and tell them that this would not of happened if you just display them on racks like the DVDs.
84. Dress up like a security officer (Black glasses, all black clothes and maybe even a shirt that says "SECURITY" on it), follow a person around the store, watching their every move, when they look at you, look suddenly at a random aisle on the shelf next to you but late enough so they can see your turn awauy, keeping silent the whole time until they leave.
85. Dress like a Nazi and goose step around the store.
86. Yell "This is a robbery!" and start shooting wildly in the air with an AK-47, when everyone is on the ground, say you were just kidding and it was all a joke.
87. Knock out a Wal*Mart greeter and take his greeter vest and say "go fuck yourself" to customers as they enter the store.
88. Urinate anywhere except the urinal.
89. Going to Wal-Mart with your college buddies, looking for the employee who has the name tag "trainee," then going to them and saying, "Your ad told me that this is the place to be...so what do I do now?
90. Get a employee vest and tell a few random customers that if they buy (insert item) then you will have sex with them.
91. Get a employee vest and tell a few random customers that if you buy this everything else you put in the cart is free.
92. Get on the phone and yell out "Buy one of any item and get anything else you want in the store free for 5 minutes only!" and watch the anarchy commence.
93. Get on the phone and call 911 to report that there is a mass robbery and to get the cops there faster say several shots have been fired. Get the employee vest off of you and get the hell out of the store into your car and go anywhere off of the Wal*Mart property and wait and watch as a conga line of police and S.W.A.T vehicles make the scene. Get out of your car and watch several people exit out of the store by running or in handcuffs.
94. Pick up the DVD you want and if it is $20 dollars say I'll pay you a quarter and if the employee says no punch him and put the quarter on the counter and run like hell before you get stopped for not apparently paying when indeed, you did paid with a quarter.
95. Take a bunch of rascals(the motorized carts with the baskets) and challenge the old people with the rest of them to race or bumper cars.
96. Get a video game out of the bargain bin and tell the cashier to ring it up and when he says it's whatever the price is say could you go check and when the cashier walks away run to the bathroom and put the games in your pockets and exit through the garage as quickly and casual as possible.
97. Before going in to Wal-Mart, put on a colonial costume. Then enter the store, grab a cart, and ride in it down the aisles while screaming "The British are coming! The British are coming!"
98. When you buy condom from Wal-Mart, while at the cash register ask the employee what he or she thinks is a really horny sex position while others are in line; be patient and see his or her face turn red.
99. If you're a girl, go around asking male employees (preferably with khakis on) if your jeans you're trying on make you look sexy, then make suggestive poses.
100. Get a fold up table, get some paper, write "free samples" on it and tape it to the table, then go and put lots of bottles of beer or hard lemonade on the table. Watch it from a distance, seeing how long it takes for the employees to find out.
101. Walk towards an empty aisle, but right before you go down it, exclaim "Oh My God! How did that happen?!", walk away, looking startled, then see if anyone else goes to see what's in the aisle.
102. Fill a cart with a condoms, lubricant, some romantic CDs, some candles, wine glasses, wine, a massager, and some cologne, then ask an employee if they sell blow-up dolls.
103. Find an employee's cart and walk away with it, hiding it across the store in a different department.
104. Find a manager (for example: Dave) then dial #9666 on the intercom and yell "Manager Dave, please GET YOUR BUTT DOWN TO CUSTOMER SERVICE NOW!" Wait near customer service as Dave unleashes his fury on them.
105. If extremely bored, do this 
106. Go through the checkout counter with a bunch of spicy Mexican Food (Taco Mix, Burritos, Picante Sauce, etc...), several bottles of hot sauce, numerous packs of toilet paper, a plunger, a mop, and at least three bottles of toilet cleaner.