HowTo:Protect your Children

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I spit upon, not only your parenting skills, but both your children and your ceramic frog lamp collection.

For the average parent children are among the most valuable possessions one has, excluding the jewelry. From 1670 to 2000, the amount of dangers that a child comes in contact with on a daily basis has grown from 16% to 280%, a 277% increase. Everything in today's world can harm them, from the humble internet, do the deadly and insidious glass of cholesterol. Everything in today's world either causes cancer, shoots them, makes them immoral, or, in the case of the extremely dangerous radioactive poor person, all three. This guide, reprinted with the express permission of Focus on the Family, can help guide your children, not only to Christ and Jesus, but to safety. ULTIMATE SAFETY.

You're Wrong[edit]

Everything you know about parenting is wrong. Let's begin there. Everything you know is wrong, okay? Everything. It's all wrong. Here are some statistics that the "researchers" and "scientists" use to confuzzle you.

  1. Children are the future: MYTH. Children are not only the past, but are also meant to be seen and not heard.
  2. Children are to be seen and not heard: MYTH. Children must not be seen.
  3. Children should be allowed to do whatever they want at any time and grow up to be crack-smoking Satan worshippers: MYTH. Children should be punished. And I'm not talking about every hour or some shit fiddle-faddle like that, I'm saying that they should be woken up by surprise in the middle of the night and taken to your Spanking Bunker™ ©2007, FOCUS ON THE FAMILY.

You need to be very vicious when protecting your children. Even the slightest mistake on your part could get your child shot. LOOK AT ME. LOOK AT ME!!!

...YOUR CHILD WILL BE SHOT.
I WILL SHOOT YOUR CHILD.

No, Stupid[edit]

You have a wild child. I can see that by the "Don't Have A Cow Man" t-shirt he's wearing. That's a girl??? My my, what is the world coming to? This is going to take some work. We Christians have a few ways of making sure that our children are safe, not only from rapists and atheists, but from that horrible show, "The Sompsons™".

  1. Turn off the TV: If you have a television, make sure that it is turned off, locked, and thrown away. If any child-- any child at all according to our Christian Scientists-- is exposed to TV, they will absorb 12 hours of pornography per day. (DISCLAIMER: this statistic does not include good ol' Christian pornography.)
  2. Turn off the Intertubes: The internets are bad, each and every one of them. According to recent reports, if the internets are left on for too long, the child could be exposed to 400 Satans worth of pornography. (DISCLAIMER: 1 Satan unit is equivalent to 12 pounds or 4 gallons.)
  3. Turn off the books: Now, I've never read a book, but I can tell you that they are full of knowledge. Knowledge is the enemy of God, remember. When God created knowledge, he said something to the effect of "Oh that was a mistake" and sent it down to Hell. You don't believe me? It says it right here in this brochure that I "skimmed".
  4. Encase your child in Seran Wrap: This will make your child feel secure. But be sure not to coddle them! Only give them one breathing hole if necessary. If they whine, promptly take your child to your Spanking Bunker™ ©2007, FOCUS ON THE FAMILY and teach them about breathing.
  5. Wrap your child in duct tape: Make sure that your child cannot move at all. This will make it more difficult for him to be penetrated by a "Child Offender" if you know what I mean. Make sure that your child is taped to something immobile with their buttocks protruding outward. This will ward off any "Child Penetrators" because butts are gross and unChristian.
  6. Throw your child in an underground bunker: Make sure that your child can't be seen or heard ever again. THAT will teach those child molester-penetrators to mess with YOUR child.

DON'T TOUCH THAT[edit]

Your child is still not safe, wrapped up in all that shit hoo-ha stuff and thrown in the basement. There is still one thing that you have not considered: the safety of your child's soul. While wrapped up in the dark basement of your trailer, provide your child not only with home-schooling, but with home-Churching and home-Bible-ing.

  1. Make your child "read" the Bible: Remember, first off, that the Bible is not a book: It's the WORD. With that in mind, make sure your child reads words.
  2. Make your child memorize the Bible: After 8 months in a cave with nothing but the bible, that child better have memorized it.
  3. Turn off the TV again: Just for good measure, unless that hunk Jerry Falwell is on there again! haaawwwwttttt

No, Stupid[edit]

The outside world is a horrible place, full of serial killers. The latest reports say that one in four people are serial killers, and one in 5 have never read the bible! One in 6 have read the bible, but don't understand it, and one in 7 have read it and not only don't understand it but are illegals, come 'cross the border!

  1. The world is a nice place: MYTH. The world is a mean place and we should kill all the mean people. Or just read uh, talk them the Bible.
  2. The world is a mean place: MYTH. The world is an immoral place and we should convert everyone to Christianity.
  3. The world is an immoral place: MYTH. God hates the world and will stop at nothing to flood it again. Good thing your kid is wrapped up nice and tight in an underground sealed bunker, right???
  4. God hates the world: MYTH. God only hates you.

SHUT UP, JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP[edit]

Now that your child is protected, you have to make sure that everyone else in your neighborhood is too. The next phase, "How To: Protect Everyone" will mostly comprise of going door to door. It will take some effort, but if we all pitch in, we can protect me 'Merica.