HowTo:Raise a Child

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How to correct a young child without harming his confidence[edit]

If your child fucks up you beat his or her head with a baseball bat! Thats about all you need to do to be a great parent.

To help your daughter when she "falls in love"[edit]

If your daughter falls in love, cut her ears off and beat her until she is bleeding!

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Grace has recently been reading private notes from school. One day she brings one of the notes to you, saying carelessly, "Don't you think this is beautiful, mother? Algie Simpson wrote it! And, mother (blushing), he says my hair is like soaked seaweeds!"

Do not laugh. Keep a calm face, and say, "Well, dear, it's very nice of Algie Simpson to think nice things about you. Let's see. Does he play football?"

Oh, no, mother. He's delicate. He's a poet. He says he loves tennis, and I'll bet he's a swell player.

There's your chance. The "poet" is probably quite bad at tennis.

"Why don't you invite him here next Saturday for a game. We haven't many literary people in Blankville, have we?"

"Oh, mother! You're the loveliest thing that ever happened!" Your daughter skips off happily as you make a hasty exit to laugh quietly and write an invitation to the "literary man".

He shows up early on Saturday, a miserable specimen in tortoise-shell glasses. He misses practically every ball. Later, you sit back and note the effect of your strategy as your daughter returns to normal, turns up her nose at the poet, and retreats to her room to sulk. You have helped her immeasurably.

To discourage a child of ten from stealing preserves[edit]

This is quite a tricky subject. It is usually best not to just come right out with "Alonzo! You have been stealing preserves!," but to instead lock him in a closet for a week, feeding him nothing but preserves. By the second day he will have violent diarrhea, which will be made even more unpleasant by his being locked in a closet. By the fifth day his liver should begin to be inflamed, causing intense discomfort, and often further diarrhea. By day seven, he will have come to hate the taste of preserves, thus achieving your original goal. Do not, under any circumstances, tell him why you are keeping him in the closet. If he doesn't figure it out, tough. Increase the sentence by one week for each offense.

Childhood Companions[edit]

Finding suitable companions for your children is a difficult matter, as your children may have tastes wholly different from your own. However, you must always remember that you are always in the right, and your child, should he disagree with you, is always in the wrong. And with friends, always remember the old adage,"Familiarity breeds contempt."

To teach a child not to play with bad little boys[edit]

Everyone knows that children can easily be bought out. However, this may be more difficult when attempting to make him deprive himself of his friends. A good way around this is to give his friends each a nickel to beat him up. He'll never talk to them again.

To discourage practical jokes[edit]

Robert was a mischievous, careless, happy, fun-loving boy, and quite fond of playing practical jokes. He had almost frightened his timid little sister into convulsions, and the other female members of the family, excepting his mother, suffered more or less from his pranks. His mother was much troubled as to what she could do to teach the boy a serious lesson, especially as he seemed to forget her admonitions as soon as he was out of sight.

One evening she was standing upon the porch looking out into the darkness of a moonless night, when she was startled by having a cold, wet cloth placed across her mouth; her waist was clasped by a boyish arm, which tried to be very strong and a gruff voice, with a suspicion of a squeak, whispered in her ear, "Don't speak, or I'll kill you! Where is your money?"

Realizing at once she had been mistaken for her sister, Robert's aunt, she quickly thought that this was the opportunity to teach him a lesson. So, uttering a piercing shriek, she went limp and fell to the floor.

The noise brought the other family members carrying a flashlight, and Robert discovered that this time he had frightened his beloved mother. He was horrified when he saw her with closed eyes lying so still, and began to think that she was injured.

"Mother! Mother!" he called. "Mother, why, mother, it was only me. Why, I didn't hurt you, did I, mother? Mother, are you dead?" A moment's silence, and then, beside himself with terror, he fairly shrieked, "MOTHER! MOTHER, ARE YOU DEAD?!"

Slowly his mother moved her hand, slowly she opened her eyes, and slowly raised her head, as her sobbing son helped her to her feet.

"I'll be good, mother!" He cried. "I'll never frighten anyone again. Oh, mother, I'm so glad you're not dead!"

You see how this would work. The guilt would be so intense as to be permanent, thus ending Robert's jokes.


You must always remember your goal: helping the child become a happy adult. If you lose sight of that goal, bad things can happen. Now grow some balls and beat your kid.

Note: this article is based on an actual child-rearing book from 1917 called "Practical Child Training".