HowTo:React if you turn around one day, presumably to look at something that is behind you and/or to not look at something that is in front of you, and there happens to be a deranged axe murderer standing there, about to decapitate you

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This happens much more frequently than you think, so you should always be prepared. Be sure to follow the instructions precisely.

Results may vary.

What You Will Need[edit]


Try to get a board made of strong wood, like oak. Balsa wood just won't work.

Because you will not have enough time to gather these items if you don't have them when it happens, you should keep these on-hand at all times.

  • You will need to be alive, because if you're dead, there's no point in avoiding decapitation.
  • A wooden board
  • A LOT of glue
  • A blowtorch
  • A bucket of water
  • A pistol with some ammo


  1. Take the wooden board and whack the guy on the side of the head.
  2. Jump forward and grab the axe from his hands as he falls down. If your reflexes are not good enough to do this, try becoming a ninja beforehand.
  3. You may think that you should simply attack the murderer with the axe, now. This will not work, because axe murderers are immune to their own axes, as proven by Charles Breakyournose's fourth law.
  4. Instead, throw the axe at a nearby tree, pillar, column, or other tall, skinny object. If there are none nearby, you as might as well kiss your ass goodbye, because this step is crucial.
  5. The object should begin falling. Run over to it, and grab the top as it falls.
  6. Lift it up, and swing it at your enemy.
  7. He should duck underneath it. If not, that is one idiotic murderer.
  8. Now run over and pick up a stone on your way, the bigger the better, as long as you can easily carry it.
  9. Tackle the murderer.
  10. Open his mouth and stuff the rock in. Try to hit his teeth, just to see how many you can knock out. It's fun. My dentist does it to me all the time.
  11. Now take off one of his shoes and put it in your pocket.
  12. Pick up the board and the axe.
  13. Use the axe to horizontally cut through the board.
  14. Here's the really ingenious part. Take the glue and smear it onto one of the two halves. Put about three inches of glue, then put the other board on top.
  15. Use the blowtorch to light one end on fire. Since you put glue in the middle, which isn't flammable, you can hold the other end and not get burnt!
  16. Run at your enemy, who is probably just getting up, swinging the flaming board around like a lunatic.
  17. He'll probably freak out and run, so chase after him.
  18. Continue swinging the board. The glue should weaken eventually, and the flaming board will be disconnected and sent flying at your enemy.
  19. It should hit his clothes, setting them on fire.
  20. If he's smart, he'll stop, drop, and roll. If not, just let the moron burn to death.
  21. Now that he's rolling around on the ground, run over to him, douse the flames with your water, and pin him to the ground again.
  22. Stuff the shoe you stole from him into his mouth so he can't yell.
  23. Now shoot him with the pistol. Granted, you could have done that in the first place, but nobody cares.