HowTo:Skin a cat
Author's Favorite way to Skin a Cat
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My favorite way to skin a cat is to implant razors onto its tongue, and let the cat go from there. Begin by throwing mud on the cat so it feels dirty and begins licking himself and, oh, he's just slit his jugular, swell. Oh well, anyway, when he's finally licked himself, hairless and left bleeding to death, you've got a skinned, diced, and marinated cat. Doesn't iron taste good? Now all you need to do is give him to a hobo, and he will have plenty to eat for weeks to come.
Other people's method: Yet More Ways To Skin A Cat
This is a new remix of an old favorite. You'll need a hypodermic needle of insulin, a source of electricity, rubbing alcohol, and a good old fashioned razor. To begin your fun, new task, inject the insulin (about 10cc's, enough to put your cat in a diabetic coma) into the cats bloodstream and wait as the cat drifts to sleep. After the cat has fallen asleep, shave off all the hair from the cat, being sure to put little knicks all over the cats body. Once done, shock the cat back to life by pouring alcohol over its gaping wounds. If the cat fails to wake up place him in a microwave and turn it on until your cat "explodes", or cooked to your liking. Be sure a kid is around so you have someone else to blame, that is, if you get caught.
More Ways to Skin a Cat: The "Holy Crap" Edition
This one has become a cult favorite amongst plumbers and electricians. You'll need a pipe(roughly 3/4 the size of your cat), a D cell battery, conductive copper wires, and some muscle relaxants. Slip some of the pills into the cats food and wait until he becomes lethargic (unless you're "hardcore" in which case this step is unnecessary). Once the cat is no longer able to fight back, attach the wiring to both the battery and the pipe getting a good electrical current flowing. Push your cat through the too tight pipe and watch as magically the cat's hair is shocked right off him. Leave him in for an extra long time for a crispy, some would consider juicy, fried treat!
How to Skin a Cat IV: It's Now an Obsession
By now you have skinned a cat in three, fairly easy ways. That's all about to change. For this task, you'll need: hydrochloric acid, 4 2x4's, some chicken wire, and mace. Build a cage out of your 2x4's securing the perimeter of the cage with chicken wire. Tip the HCl onto the cat so that you get a nice light coating over the whole body. Once you're tired of hearing the cat screaming in agony, soften it up with the mace. When the cat is completely "tenderized" throw him in the oven at 350 degrees for about 2 hours with some vegetables and cheese for a delicious kitty cordon bleu.
How to Skin a Cat V: Seriously, More Ways?
Many of you out there have a relative who was raised in the South and is now blind and deaf and in a nursing home. More than likely, They obtained this status of senselessness while yelling "Hey Ma watch dis" and proceeding to blow up his '84 Festivo. Seeing as how this person was raised in the South, then he/she probably wittles. Take the cat to the nursing home and give it to your relative and tell him that it's a piece of wood with fungus growing on it. Proceed to tell him to wittle away, but only in the bathroom so that the shavings can be flushed away. In reality he's in there so that the nurses won't catch, but instead they'd think he was taking one of his classic "big ass shits". Two hours later, voila, you have a cat skinned and wittled to look like General Lee. Makes a great mantlepeice display for any home.
Yet MORE ways to skin your hapless feline
For this you'll need to visit Africa, yes, the region with monkeys. Once there collect some flesh eating virus. Once obtained apply this virus liberally the the direct centre of your cat. Once the virus eats its way out and is just about to reach the skin apply the antidote (soap and water kill viri'i rather well) uniformally throughout the cat, thus stopping the virus in its track as it reaches the inside of the skin. Remove the blood and gore by blowing through the ex-cats mouth (like blowing an egg) and voila! One skinned cat, and an incurable infection!.