HowTo:Survive a Horror Movie

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I'm still drunk, right?...



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INT. A DARK AND PROBABLY RATHER SMELLY ROOM — NIGHT

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Two teenagers lie on the grimy floor of said room, unconscious. Their clothes are torn and they are surrounded by pools of blood.

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The girl, LAURA, wakes up.

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LAURA
W... where are we?

Nothing happens.

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LAURA (CONT'D)
Jason? Are you OK? Tell me you're OK! We need to establish a relationship to progress the movie!

Nothing continues to happen.

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JASON
Ohh...
LAURA
Jason! Are you OK?
JASON
Are you that hooker I hired?
LAURA
No, it's me, Laura! We were at that party yesterday night, and we got really drunk, and I don't remember what happened next!
JASON
Oh, that explains my splitting headache.
LAURA
No, I think that's down to blood loss.
JASON
Well Laura, thanks for explaining the back story. Now, I think we should figure out how to get out of here, or possibly where the killer is.
LAURA
I don't know. The second one sounds kind fun...

Suddenly, there is a LOUD CREAKING NOISE!!

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LAURA (CONT'D)
What do you think that was?
JASON
Could it not be the killer?
LAURA
No.

Jason gets up.

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JASON
If we're in a horror movie, we need to fashion weapons to use against the killer.
LAURA
How can you be sure we're in a horror movie?
JASON
What bra size are you?
LAURA
Touché.

Jason picks up a piece of wood and breaks it in two so that the end is sharpened.

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JASON
Hell, this ought to do.

He throws Laura a piece.

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LAURA
Thanks.

A moment of silence goes by.

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LAURA (CONT'D)
You know, I interpret you throwing me this piece of mouldy wood as a sign of affection. And I want you to know that I share this badly-thought out affection.
JASON
Of course you do. The critics need something to maul.
Kill it with fire!

They kiss. Suddenly, THE KILLER BREAKS IN!

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LAURA
Holy shit!

Jason punches the killer in the face, and kicks him in the crotch for good measure.

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He falls to the floor, dead.

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JASON
Looks like his chemistry teacher forgot to teach him about... the element of surprise! Zing!

Jason and Laura survive and live happily ever after.

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THE END.

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See also[edit]






Bullshit. Just get them naked and

cut their heads off! --Rick