HowTo:Take the Road to Ruin
Ah, my friend, welcome to the Road to Ruin. You may have heard of it. Well, now I'm here to tell you just how to take it. There are many paths to take, and Robert Frost was glad that he chose the path less taken, but let me tell you: on the road to ruin, you'll have plenty of company. Sit down and let me tell you a little about where you're headed.
The Yellow Brick Road It Ain't
I'm sure you remember the Wizard of Oz (character) and how he was found by taking the Yellow Brick Road. Well, the Road to Ruin don't bring you to any magic wizard. No, sir! The Road to Ruin don't bring you to no riches, fame or fortune, neither. The Road to Ruin brings you painful and shameful things, like Ocular Gonorrhea, Unemployment and Divorce. So, hurry up, and bring your jukebox money!
The On-Ramp to the Road to Ruin
First, you gotta get on the road, know what I'm saying. Let's make sure you're not already on the road. Gotta job? A place to live? A significant other? Money? Are you disease free? Good! Now we have someplace to start. But don't worry, we'll change all that in a second. The Road to Ruin is nothing if not a miraculous life-changer!
So, like I said, first things first. Let's take your positive attributes one by one and eliminate them. You'll be amazed how starting with the first one (a job) puts you on the road to ruin by creating a disastrous domino effect of failure in your life. Ready to get started?
Lose the Job
Where do you work? A factory? An office? An Old Folks Home? It really doesn't matter, because the advice I'm going to give you will get you out of all three. It's really very simple. Since you're reading this page, you've probably been mailing it in already at work. Now, go the whole nine yards and just stop showing up when you are supposed to. You can do it the easy way - pick a day you are supposed to be there, and never show up again. Or you can do it a more complicated way - show up late on a regular basis. Either way, its only a matter of time - you'll be headed from the bank to cash your paycheck, to the unemployment line to pick up your measly benefits. The end result is the same. You've just fallen 12 steps on the social ladder, and countless more on the financial ladder. Congratulations! You are officially now on the road to ruin.
Develop a Drug of Alcohol Habit
Now you're on the Road to Ruin. This next step will make sure you stay there.
You need to acquire an alcohol or drug addiction, stat. This step is a lot harder than it sounds. For one thing, unlike the on-ramp to the Road to Ruin, this step requires some commitment. You have to want to be an addict. Addiction is a sin of commission, no omission. Alcohol is easier since it is legally available and is relatively cheap. If you have some money saved up, you can blow it on high-class imported spirits and microbrews. Just make sure you drink every day, heavily, starting early in the day if possible. In no time, you'll need booze just to function, and will be getting "the horrors" and seeing pink elephants if you stop the drink. Still, this is harder than losing the job, because you have to actually go somewhere (the liquor store or a bar) to get your supply, and you need money to keep getting it. This is not like losing your job, where staying in bed for a week will usually do the trick.
If you want to be on the Express Lane to Ruin, drug addiction is the route to take. Here, you have to be really committed. You need to find a doctor who will prescribe you a controlled substance that is readily abused and addictive, like Vicodin or amphetamines. Or harder yet, you have to find a dealer who can keep you in ready supply of an illegal drug like Meth, Cocaine, or Heroine. You also have to find a way to make your unemployment benefits stretch to pay for the drugs - which can be quite a feat. The good thing about this is doing so can accelerate you light years down the Road to Ruin. I'll explain how in a moment.
Lose Your Home, Your Significant Other, and Your Money
Here's where your addiction really pays off. If you thought maintaining a relationship when you were employed and sober was a challenge, wait until your significant other has to deal with you sitting around the house drunk or high every day. There's a countdown of days left in your relationship, my friend. And if you have moved in with your significant other, you are about to get booted onto the street. Even if you live in your own place, the money you are blowing on your habit virtually guarantees that you won't have money to make the rent, so either way, its the homeless shelter for you!
Of course, you'll still be needing money to feed your habit. But don't worry, your days of having cash are numbered as well. With no job and no significant other, you'll find your resources stretched to the breaking point. Just buying a meal or two a day will be an effort. Before you know it, you'll be rummaging through trash bins to eat. And then let's not forget what your addiction will compel you to do for money. In the blink of an eye, you'll be sucking dick in alleyways and sticking yourself with used syringes to get high. Now, you've got Hepatitis C or HIV. Congratulations, you've fast-tracked it on to the Road to Ruin, and there is no off-ramp.
Well, friend, you did it. You lost it all on the Road to Ruin. What's left? A matter of months or a few years max of living in squalor, aging decades in mere months, losing your teeth before age 40, and probably ending up in prison for stabbing somebody over a bottle of half-drank malt liquor. But it was worth it. You ran the Road. And that made all the difference.
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