HowTo:Utilize Objects as Weapons

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

Let's face it, weapons are all around us and have yet to discover their full nature. In almost every building, institution, and school you enter, normalized weapons have been legalized, however, there are hundreds of notable weapons just waiting to be exploited. Mainly we must ask ourselves, 'what is a weapon?' If you actually just did that you are obviously too stupid to use a weapon properly, which makes you perfect for some of the more basic 'hidden weapons.' Basically, a weapon is and sharp, dull, large, or short object utilized to promote bodily injury, albeit to yourself of the annoying fuck beside you who cant keep his fucking mouth shut when chewing gum (ahem...) We'll discuss the uses of chewing gum later in the article, but...

Contents

First Thing's First[edit]

That's right, you read it correctly, save if you can read or not... which doesn't make so much sense as to how you made it this far. Anyway, first we must gauge the possible weapons in our current environment. For all intensive purposes I will discuss the commonplaces of the high school, the cubicle office, the fast-food restaurant, the park, and simple, but deadly, tools around the house for when your brother's opened his shithole one too many times.

School[edit]

Ah, high school. A place for academics, scholars, and a whole heap of annoying ass drama. It seams like every direction you turn someone has some form of bitchy complaint about how their lives suck (And some really do). So why don't we ease their pain with some form of improvised slaughtering device we can find.

Scenario 1[edit]

Okay, it's the beginning of the day. You are sitting on one of the hard ass metal benches poorly provided to you by the Board Of Education (i.e. cheap assholes) when random person number one runs up to you slightly steamed (I mean mad, not a vegetable). What's wrong, you ask (never ask what's wrong. This begins a long drool inducing story about how their life sucks that you could care a shit less about). So they begin talking... and talking... and talking. Until you either wonder how they are still breathing or have decided that this one way conversation is over. You could simply leave, but they will then begin actually bitching at you and make your day more hell. No, you must end it now. First look around you and your person and note all available weapons. Next proceed to use them...

A Pencil, Pen, Or Sharpie[edit]

The most common used implants by any school student, these can be found either somewhere in the front of the backpack or in the attackers pocket (that's where I kept 'em.) A pencil/pen/sharpie has a long body with a sharpened point, much like the common knife or shiv. Quickly retrieve the already sharpened device and ram it somewhere into their body. I suggest placing it firmly into the temple or if you just want to get the message across to shut up, through the bottom of the jaw and into the skull or through their cheeks.

Cell Phone[edit]

Another common school-wide supply is the cell phone, used to text during class, or to call someone to interrupt the teacher. Easily hidden in the pocket or purse, this weeping can be utilized in different ways depending on the model. For instance, a moto razor can be used to slit one's throat whilst a broader phone like the pantech matrix or ip.o.s. could be merely used to bludgen them to death (p.s. this is a new app in the ip.o.s. :D).

Books[edit]

Books, books, books, thome? Never mind. The book is yet another common item in schooling use. book sizes range from 'this can't be all we need for this class' to 'this is waaay to goddamn much for this class' (i.e. history or English). Books are either kept in the backpack or ready in hand to beat people to death.

Rings[edit]

Kept on the hand of course. Simply put, these make effective brass knuckles. And ladies, if you have the ones with a big diamond or several hundred scattered everywhere, just turn them around on your palm and slap the shit out of the person. Cuts 'em up good.

Headphones[edit]

Commonly found on students with mp3 players or an ip.o.s., these dandies can be used to strangle the enemy to death or merely as a deterrent whip. Ensure to wrap at least once around your hands because they can sometimes be slippery.

Bracelets[edit]

There are three main types...

Metal[edit]

The proper application of this one is to slit the throat or juggular vein or once again to whip the shit out of them.

Plastic[edit]

Though difficult, a plastic bracelet can be used as fair offensive weaponry. These can be used to choke the victim to death.

Cloth[edit]

Simple use, simply ram down the victim's throat and watch as they struggle to breathe.

Scenario 2[edit]

Okay, it's lunch time and yet another annoying fuck doesn't seem to know how to eat and talk and breath at different times. let's see what we have at the table that will cause his shutting the fuck up.

Tray[edit]

Yes the common lunchroom hard plastic tray (with not enough space for my peaches... dammit!). This can be used to easily bludgeon the helpless victim to death. Take the time to at least remove the food from your tray before said bludgeoning or just dump it on him first. Note: this does not work well if the school opted for those cheep ass paper trays that just split the fuck in half.

Plastic Fork/Spoon[edit]

Of course, aside from the plastic spoon, it is the best weapon for generally stabbing the shit out of the person. Choose wisely, however, for the fork is flimsy and if it strikes a bone it may just break. I suggest going for the throat or any other open area of flesh. The spoon is best used after initial stabbing with the fork to scoop out the person's eyes. And yet for some fucking reason they took away the plastic knife. Note: A spork can be used as a spoon and fork (duh).

Their own food[edit]

Yes it's true. This is a very nasty way to kill someone but if executed effectively it will cause some very funny results. You must observe the victim as he/she eats/talks/breaths. If at any point you notice that they, more than once, have a mouthful of food whilst talking, await them to just close their mouth for a breath/swallow (believe me it's easy to spot) and chop them hard in the neck with your hand/book/tray. this will cause your victim to inhale whatever slop they happen to be eating at the moment and choke on their food and die.

Door[edit]

Simple enough. All lunchrooms are outfitted with at least five glass and metal doors. Suggestively, slam their head into the metal to stun them, then into the glass as many times as it takes to break it (some paned are 1/2in thick and double pained) then proceed to slice their throat open with the door glass.

Scenario 3[edit]

Let's face it, we all have to take the shitty computer class and listen to the mindless drolling on how to use a computer from someone who knows less about one that you yourself. so why don't we make him our next target. Ensure to take a seat closest to his desk (if not assigned, if so go up and pretend to talk to him). After his mind numbing lecture, he will sit and let the students figure out how to use the line feature on microshit powerpoint. At this point he is a free and open target. Now lets see what we have of use.

Computer Monitor/Tower/Printer[edit]

Nothing spells irony like running fast up to the teacher and beating his brains in with his own career. That'll teach him to talk so blandly. Another trick is to play dodge computer. For this you will need the entire class.

Cords/Cables[edit]

So obvious. Just as with the headphones, but even stronger, use the cord to strangle the teacher until his eyes pop out.

Keyboard[edit]

Similar to beating his brains in with the Monitor, however can also be utilized as a, rather poorly, effective axe.

Stapler[edit]

All teachers have one so why not use it. Open it so that it's completely flat and have at it. I highly suggest the throat and the eyes, or if you wanna be creative, just staple his fucking mouth shut.

Basket[edit]

This will require some forethought, and the very. As we all know, every teacher has some kind of graded papers basket made poorly from 1/4in thick strips of wire. You must steal the basket and convert it into some form of weapon. Use your imagination.

The Cubicle Office[edit]

Welcome to your dead end job. There is no where to go but up in this company (except for you of course, you failure). This is the environment with the most stress, the most annoyance, and the most fatasses you will ever see in one place, save for any Wal-Mart. Your boss is a dick, your fellow employees are backstabbing assholes and your pay is shit. No use holding back since, as stated before, you're not going anywhere. You sack of shit.

Scenario 1[edit]

Alright, fifth week at work and you hate everyone's guts. The boss is always up your ass, the food is terrible, the employees speak in whiny nasally tones and only give a shit about their problems and that fat bitch in the cube next to you keeps giving you very very disturbing looks (it's just like high school). First, let's off fatty Anne. That creepy whore has been staring for way too long. What is useful around you.

Trashcan[edit]

Of course all cubes will be specially outfitted with an old, busted, piece of shit metal trashcan. Advisably just bludgeon her to death but a more effective way is to come in earlier that her, cut a bit of metal from the seam, and when she isn't looking slice her throat with your trashcan shiv.

Rubberbands[edit]

Tie enough of them together and you can make an effective, and essentially unremovable noose. Take that fatty.

Wall Clock[edit]

Perhaps you are situated next to a two foot wall clock. Simply stand, remove, and beat the shit out of her, ensuring to plant the glass of the clock firmly into her fat head.

Chair[edit]

Most likely she will be confined to her rolling chair because her ass has began leaking over the sides and attached itself to the chair. simply grab the back of her chair and wheel her down the hall, this may require two people, and throw her ass down the set of emergency stairs. For added fun, take the elevator to the top floor and throw her down the stairs or off the roof. She will make a satisfying, if not extremely messy, splat.

Work Station[edit]

This will require at least four people depending on her range of fatassness. You all charge the back of her chair at once, forcing her forward and slamming her stomach and rib first into the desk, shattering her ribcage and hopefully appetite. (No need to worry about her stopping you as her extreme weight will have caused her legs to shorten and disallow her to reach the ground.)

Scenario 2[edit]

Next let's take a stroll to the community water-cooler where the same jack-off seems to be all fucking day long. This man literally has nothing to do but hit on the hot interns and engage you in mindless conversation. In the direct vicinity we have...

Water[edit]

That's right simple water. How would you go about killing someone with water you ask. Pay the fuck attention and I shall explain. Simply tackle the annoying bastard to the ground, ensuring to have his arms firmly pinned under your legs. Then force his mouth open and fill it to the brim with water. Now hold his nose and mouth completely closed until he drowns on the half cup of water. Now wasn't that fun!

Styrofoam Cup[edit]

Same application as the water, just jam it down his fucking throat.

Water Cooler[edit]

Those things are heavy as shit so basically take the top off and beat him to death or jsut tip it over on him, chances are you will crush his nuts this way.

Passing Intern[edit]

Simply smash their heads together as hard as physically possible. Two birds with one stone!

Wall[edit]

Of course I couldn't leave you without a wall. Once again simply smash the asshole's head into the wall, careful to find a stud, until his brains look like macaroni salad (yum!).

Scenario 3[edit]

Now let's take it to the next level, the boss man, otherwise known as the tip of the dick (whereas you are the balls, doing all the work and receiving little credit). He has harassed you for the simplest things, made you do ridiculously retarded shit (you know what I mean) and embarrassed you in front of all the other worthless employees by making you seem even more worthless. Lets stroll his office shall we...

Putter[edit]

As all asshole bosses should, your boss likes a round of golf and as such has a putting mat in his office with a putter close to the door. You know what to do...

Coat Rack[edit]

The boss loves Kissing ass to his employers and must have a place for their coats to hang lest they get hot and sweaty and sticky. Repeat for the putter.

Paper Weight[edit]

Yes the completely unnecessary except for show paper weight. A fantastic bludgeoning device if any have ever been concocted. Can you say 'beg for mercy'

Window[edit]

Your boss, of course, resides on the very top floor of a twenty story building. This rule was concocted by underlings many years ago so that, in the event of a fire/natural disaster, the dumb delusional bastard would die, thinking that the top is the best place to be. For all intensive purposes, however, let's just throw his fat ass out of the window and watch as he falls right next to the fat bitch in scenario 1.

The Fastfood Restaurant[edit]

From one shithole to another, you now find yourself working behind the counter at your local McDonald's. For the past seven weeks you've catered to fat, lazy, sloppy, disgusting humanoids all the while trying not to beat the clown's ass as you meticulously notice him feeling up the children. The boss is once again a dick. The employees are dumber than rocks. And the customers have a stick shoved so far up their ass it's a wonder how they bend over to get that lost quarter. It's time to inspect the workplace...

Scenario 1[edit]

Let's say that you have a customer that's been a particularly annoying asshole (let's just say), and by this point he is yelling and screaming because the deep-fryer needs the grease replaced. You've asked him to take his seat and wait patiently but he insists that he can do a better job than you. Rather than being a smartass and inviting him back, which your boss advised against, you merely return to the back to take his insults for another thirty seconds. Now this asshole is throwing shit and has made that cute girl at the register cry. His ass is grass...

Grease[edit]

As we all know, deep-fryer grease is HOT, I mean very, VERY FUCKING HOT. Take a large cup and get as much grease as you can into it, then just throw it in the assholes face. Watch him roll around on the ground screaming like a little girl.

Spatula[edit]

A spatula is just as common in a MickyD's as the asshole. there are several uses of this device such as slapping the shit out of the person or just slicing their throat open.

Grill[edit]

Some grills in these places are double sided (as in there is a flat grill on the bottom and a flat grill on the top that you pull down) like a giant George Foreman grill, which is why the burgers are flat as hell. Simply take 350lbs of asshole and cook 'til dead, repeat if necessary.

Counter[edit]

Ask them if they see a smudge on it, then slam their head down as hard as possible. Repeat if necessary.

Register[edit]

Not to put the cute girl out of a job or anything. Good heavy bludgeoning device.

Brio's head[edit]

You Grab the guy and you use him as a battering ram on some retard's face. Very good bludgeoning weapon.


Jib himself[edit]

did i mention he has a huge 26 pound gummy bear? ask to borrow one from jib, and then beat the schmuck (not jib) to death.

Scenario 2[edit]

Okay, you're out on the floor, mopping up all the blood from the first asshole, when another employee decides to bother you with his depressive life story. You be courteous and pretend to listen, but then he gets huffy when he notices that you've been ignoring him for the past three hours. Now he's yelling, obviously not aware of how easily you snap under such conditions...

Mop[edit]

Just haul off and beat the shit out of him. See if he can ignore a mop handle to the sternum. Ensure to take perverse pleasure in this so that no one will talk to you.

Mop Head[edit]

Wet enough it becomes an effective cat-o-nine tails.

Mop Bucket[edit]

Ask him if he notices the bug in the cleaning solution, then show him how to get a better view. This may require further mopping but it is well worth it.

Floor[edit]

Simply trip and curbstomp his ass until mopping is once again required.

Scenario 3[edit]

Now you have been called to the bosses office for an 'emergency meeting'. Apparently, you killing a customer and fellow employee has earned you two days off work without pay. Notably the boss is trying to act nice but probably wants to bitch slap the hell out of you. His office is small and cramped so lets see what unfolds...

Fire Extinguisher[edit]

Multi use tool. This can either be utilized to blatantly beat the shit out of the asshole or suffocate him with the CO2 gas trapped inside.

Matches[edit]

For some reason, the idiot offered you a match before talking to you. Simply pin him to the wall with his tiny ass desk and burn him down. Note the smell of pork as he screams for mercy.

Postcards[edit]

For some unexplainable reason, this Deutsch seems to have a multitude of postcards and birthday cards hanging from his wall (looks like someone couldn't let childhood go huh?). Ram them down his throat and into any other orifice you deem fit.

Obviously, this being such a world class restaurant, there is basically nothing else to use as a weapon except for your hands. Be sure to wash your implants thoroughly.

The Park[edit]

Ah, the park, yet another destination on your road to hell. Not many people come here. One or two joggers pass you by and some people are out walking their dogs. It's so peaceful... FUCK THAT! Let's enjoy us a bit of chaos tea shall we. This solitude is annoying as hell and some of the people at the park enjoy talking loudly and yelling at their kids. This is not a place for proper parenting advice as the parent may be either beating their kid for messing with another kid or fixing their little dumbass for falling off of the jungle gym. Great parenting you dumb whore. Let's view this as the standard park: wide open space (Much like your mom), a slide, jungle gym, that wheel thing?, monkey bars, and benches.

Scenario 1[edit]

let's say that there is just that one asshole who decides to sit right next to you so that you can hear him bitching at his employee/wife/children. After which he will attempt to form a conversation with you about some similar happening he's hoping you had. Let's say you don't feel like talking (since you just got fired again which explains why your loser ass is sleeping in the park). How can you make him STFU...

Tree[edit]

If able to cut down the nearest tree and hope it falls on him. Or more availably just slam his face into it until he roughly resembles the birch.

Suit Jacket[edit]

Pull off his jacket and quickly wrap it tightly around his head, tying it in an impossible to loosen know around his throat. Watch as he runs around like a chicken with his head cut off, grasping for air.

Your Foot[edit]

In his ass...

The psychopath[edit]

Uh... Please... get away from meee....

Big Jib's arm[edit]

Piss him off. Watch as he impales the sorry bastard's face on his drill arm.

Park Bench[edit]

Most are unbolted to the ground. In this case, put said asshole to the ground (I don't care how you do it) and repetitively slam the legs of the bench into his face or throat.

Scenario 2[edit]

Okay, so you see this cute girl walking her Siberian husky (big ass dog) and attempt to talk to her. You being an idiot, have forgotten that you haven't showered for several days and approach her. The woman quickly attempts to get you away and repetitively insults your lack of hygiene and moral compass. It seems as though this bitch has a history of said bitchiness so you might as well teach her a lesson...

Leash[edit]

Wrap her dog's leash around her throat and smack the dog hard in the ass. Watch as her own animal strangles her to death and drags her several hundred yards.

Your Cock[edit]

See rape.

The Dog[edit]

As we all know, dogs have a history of being rather fucking violent. Some dogs are trained to attack and others do it with specific triggers. Namely the meat you happen to have in your pocket. Simply stuff down her shirt and observe as the dog maims and rips her apart to get to the meat... and probably eat whatever else is there.

Scenario 3[edit]

Now that that noisy whore is taken care of it's time to try to make friendly contact with the guy randomly standing by the jungle gym. You two talk for a while until you notice that the conversations seem to steer way to close to children quite often. It seems that you have run across your first pedophile (see Michael Jackson) This arrogant fuck has no trouble talking this over with you as you stare at him odder and odder. Let's show this sick bastard what happens when he opens his mouth too often...

Jungle Gym[edit]

Immediately slam his throat hard into one of the metal bars and watch as he squirms, choking on his own blood.

Wood/Tire Chips[edit]

These are very common on playgrounds throughout the nation for 'safety reasons' so that the dumbass kids don't hurt themselves too badly. Ram these items down his throat or use the longer sticks to jab out his eyes.

His Shirt[edit]

Quickly pull up and strangle the sonuvabitch with his own fatty shirt.

Home[edit]

Last but not least, someone else's home. Your brother has been gracious enough to give you a place to stay, however he seems to enjoy pointing out how much more successful he's become than you. Constantly going on and on about the lives he's saved, the women he's fucked, and the money he's made. He's much more with his life than you you fucking loser. Why not beat his ass for being so successful, it might even make you feel better.

Scenario 1[edit]

This will only have one basic scenario since it will encompass the entire houseful of useful items. Your brother sure has much more shit than you ever hoped to have, and very expensive at that, but you're quite tired of him breathing So let's see what dangers await in his own household...

Front Door[edit]

Quickly and quaintly kick him in the balls then proceed to slam his head in with his heavy front door. Bonus points for decapitation!

Vase or Large Plant[edit]

Most likely he has some sort of art or big plant in a big vase for aesthetic pleasure. And more than likely he will have more than one. Simply beat over the head until the current one breaks and repeat as necessary or until running out of said vase/plant.

Chandelier[edit]

Most rich (douche) people have really heavy and pointy chandeliers. You can be very creative with this but just try to drop it on them. for most effect, have a sniper rifle at hand. Go outside, and snipe the chain that holds the chandelier up when he is under it. Then, hide the sniper rifle.

Bling[edit]

Chances are that your brother is a rap master or maybe just an over eccentric white boy hoping to please the black media. Grasp tightly on the back of the necklace and pull hard (not too hard that you break it) just enough for you to catch him off guard and choke him to death.

Glass Doors[edit]

See window.

Oversized Wall-Mounted TV[edit]

Yes you are indeed staring into the eyes of god himself as you see the 300inch walsized flat screen tv. Yes it is much too large to steal so why not use it for more joyous reasons... such as crushing your brother (hehehe).

Fireplace[edit]

He just also happens to have a large fireplace. I think he would be better a dark brown to black since he seems to think he's black. Make sure to use the poker as much as possible.

Piano[edit]

This will require some creativity (and a lot of rope (and friends (Which you don't have))).

His Decorative Weapon's Collection[edit]

DON'T YOU FUCKING TOUCH IT!!! This article is on unconventional weapons. Any use of actual weapons is strictly FORBIDDEN!! ALLOWED!!!!1eleven

The Second Floor[edit]

I understand that you must be thoroughly confused so I will explain. In most rich asshole houses the person in question will have a porch like thing leading to the actual second floor from a wooden staircase, held precariously by three or less wooden posts. This will be the only time you can EVER use his weapons collection and only if an axe or hatchet exists in that collection (other wise, go to the help's barn/home). You know what to do, right? Good. Moving on...

Bed Hidden in the Wall[edit]

The kind that falls to the ground like in those cheap hotels, except his is like four hundred pounds! (What does this button/lever/switch do?)

Kitchen Appliances[edit]

Only blunt objects like pans and pots are allowed. Sharp things like spatulas and utensils are allowed except for any knife or knife-like object.

Pool Table[edit]

Yes the douche has a pool table and has asked you to play (dumbass). We have mainly three options here...

Option 1: Pool Balls[edit]

Yes the heavy glass (or in his case crystal) balls used for pool. Throw them as hard as possible and watch his blood flow.

Option 2: Pool Cue[edit]

This is the stick you hit the balls with. There is a multitude of things available with this crafty item, namely stabbing in the eye or simply beating them to death.

Option 3: Pool Table[edit]

Of course nothing beats simply beating their face in with the corner of the pool table itself.

Bathtub[edit]

Simply fill and strangle (under water!)

Soap[edit]

Shove this item down their throat or give them a colostomy... whatever floats your boat.

Toilet Paper[edit]

(Yes toilet paper) If twisted and wrapped around itself enough times it can become an effective rope for all sorts of uses: hanging, whipping, whatever else you can think of.

Toilet[edit]

Their last swirley ever...

Cleaning Supplies[edit]

Any are used for an effective poison. For added fun, mix Ammonia and Clorox but don't breath while doing so (see: Mustard Gas).

Mirror[edit]

Smash their head into the glass and use the resulting shards to slice their throat.

Bed Poast[edit]

A really really deep colostomy... and tonsil work.

Dresser[edit]

Yes use the really big dresser to crush the sonuvabitch and all who oppose you.

Balcony[edit]

Balcony + Gravity = Win!

Garbage Disposeall[edit]

Only useful for smaller limbs but still effective and funny.

Gun[edit]

I swear to god you had better be beating them to death with it... however stabbing them with bullets is also acceptable.

Power Tools[edit]

Once again these are unacceptable items as they are much overused.

Jib's voice[edit]

this is just creepy. im not all like this, depressed,walking down the street, saying i hate doctors, and lawyers, and all=== third floor of jib's house === jib is dismally sitting there.

there is a leaflet. >read leaflet Long ago there lived a boy in the city of Tremula who owned a home built by Tom Nook. Unfortunately he was unable to pay his bills and lost his home. Soon after he went missing and was never found.

Tom Nook sold the boys old house to another person and they to disappeared without a trace.

A rumor started that Tom nook was selling these homes to the unsuspecting and showing them the video of what really happened to that Boy long ago. Upon seeing what was on the video they committed suicide with a gun that was provided to them in the room they were watching the video in.

Now you know why Tom Nook is selling you your house and here is that Video. >edn jib:are you serious? i mean, are you seriously having me do the suicide fad? i mean, what's the point? this wasn't even that good. n, ppl r still watching it. Why? what's the point? It's fake. hu cares? i mean, why are you having me do this? that other crap. i mean seriously, are you doing this? having me do the melted face and that scream from left for dead 2? it's a fucking waste of time.

Conclusion[edit]

There are as you can see many many different ways to kill people and many weapons available to you. Have fun. Be creative. Don't contact me from prison. Have a nice day.


See Also[edit]