HowTo:Whoop some ass
“Why have a can when you can have a crate?”
“A can in the morning makes my day”
“The WhoopAss is a gentle art of violence”
“I once whooped a guys Ass”
This is your everyday guide on HowTo: Whoop some ass.
Note: On this guide you may also learn HowTo "Open a can of Whoopass", "Become an Asswhooping machine", "Whoop-de-doop an ass" and "Get beat up".
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
Because Asswhooping involves violence it is strongly recommended to test your Whooping skills on subjects that you feel are easly Whooped at first.
DO NOT attempt to Asswhoop an experienced and certified Asswhooper on your first try, you may get hurt.
Whooping some ass or Asswhooping, consits of two or more sides (usually it is two sides as a third-party usually makes the Asswhooping uneven and ruins the fun).
In the traditions of the past Asswhoopers it is common to start the Whooping with a Vocal warm-up.
A good warm-up always involves everyday words like "Mama" or "Girlfriend" or "Fat" with Curses or NSN words (NSN - Not So Nice). Do not exagurate with your warm-up. Sometimes you may confuse your Whooping subject and ruin the warm-up.
Example: "Your Mama is so Fat that last night when I Fucked her up the Ass, she ate both my pillows and my blanket." ---Creative but a bit long.
2nd example: "Your Girlfriend is Fat." ---Short but very flat.
Use your imagination and vocabulary.
After the vocal warm-up the physical warm-up begins. This warm-up is built in order to test the limits of your subject. The warm-up usually contains Shoving and/or Pushing.
Note: The physical warm-up is usually a short one as today's whoopers have a short fuse and their limits are broken easly, just like their fat mamas armchairs. LOOOSERS!!!
Now begins the real Asswhooping.
When the Whooping itself begins it is vital to remain in the lead or you will become the Whoopee instead of the Whooper.
Try and move a lot and dont allow your subject to rule over you. A good idea is to practice at home on still objcets and improve your abilities. See what your best at: Kicking, Punching, Headbanging, Running, Nipple twisting.
If you stumble into a position where you are being whooped try and get on your feet (if you fell) and avoid any contact with your whooper for some time until you feel you are ready to whoop some ass.
The Wedgie - is a method where you try and give your subject a wedgie in order to confuse and make him/her temporarly voulnrable.
The following wedgies are "Kosher" in battle:
- Atomic wedgie - when the subject is lifted up from the power of the wedgie.
- Frontal-nipple wedgie - a wedgie given from the front side and up to nipple-hieght.
- Backside wedgie - a wedgie given from the backside.
- "The Face-lift" - a wedgie from either side to face-hieght.
- "The Ripper" - a wedgie that rips one's underwear.
- "The Bee-Gee" Aka "Window Breaker" - a wedgie that forces the subject to make a high-tone pitched sound.
- Double sided wedgie aka Bilateral Wedgie - a wedgie given from both front and back side.
- Full head wedie - a wedgie that goes overhead.
- Arm-pit wedgie - a double-sided wedgie to armpit-hieght.
- "The Boxer Snapper" - a wedgie that rips boxers.
- "The Bleeder" - A wedgie that rips the skin open.
- "The Snatch" - A wedgie where their underwear ends up being 100% removed from their body.
- Four story atomic wedgie - exactly what it sounds like.
feel free to add more wedgies you ever encounterd in battle.
The way out
You may not always win in a Whooping match, so it is important to learn how to get out before you get hurt. Some like the well-known doggy way out called "Play Dead". Depending on your opponent you may or may-not get out of the whooping.
Another method is the "What's that???" method. This method requires great timing and acting ability to confuse your opponent while making a run-for-it.
The most used method is the "Kick where it hurts", but this is a strict violation of the NAWFOW (National AssWhooping Foundation Of Whoopers) and may cause you a ban from this wonderful foundation.
It is common to create freestlye variations in your whooping. Adding a smart remark here and there can lighten the mood of the outside observers and maybe even annoy your oponent. This might also discourage any Third-party whoopers from joining and ruining the balance of the Whoop.
In case you win remember that smack-talking afterwards is always welcome but you must respect your whoopee.
Then again he/she did get whooped so go ahead and taunt them to death!!!.
Note from Mr. Blood
Being a professional Whooper isn't about whooping a lot of people's asses... it's about commitment, leadership, honesty and most importantly about ammending wrong-doings.
Anyone who uses Whooping as revenge is due to be whooped one-day.