HowTo:Win A War

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Approved by Kansas Board of Education
Approved by the Kansas State Board of Education
This page meets all criteria and requirements for use as teaching material within the State of Kansas public school system. It consists of facts, not of theories, and students are encouraged to believe it uncritically, and to approach alternatives critically.

“Happiness is like a well-used battlefield”

~ Oscar Wilde on War

“All your base are belong to me!”

“All your base are belong to us!”

“Yeah...About that...I got drunk one day and decided to write a book.”

~ Leo Tolstoy on War & Peace

“Us owned you!”

“Back in the 'Nam days...”

~ Your grandfather on War

“I ate cookies while the men got shot by dem 'Kong.”

“Damn Russian *******”

~ Napoleon on Russia

“I never lost a war I didn't win.”

~ Chuck Norris on Past Wars
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These easy step by step rules called will help you be on your way to winning every single war. Everybody knows that wars are important in order to achieve anything. However, losing a war sucks. Even if you're French, it hurts to lose. This HowTo guide is here to make sure that you don't end up like the French. Win every war you fight, and ignore statistics. Wars are fun, so win. And beat the crap out of whoever you're fighting. You can do it.


Some enemies are more cunning than others. Note use of crosshair to solve misunderstandings.

These are the bad little people that may have caused you to go to war, you must defeat them at all costs. There are many ways to kill an enemy soldier on the battlefield.

Shooting guns

The most simple way of common warfare, take a gun of any size and aim at the head of an enemy. If all goes well you will have defeated your first enemy, congratz.


Using grenades, rockets, or bombs, create an explosion near your enemy. This will likely kill or mortally wound your enemy, thus defeating them. It is reccomended that you take caution with explosions, as they can often engulf you or your allies.

Chemical Warfare

Any kind of chemical that you would expect to cause discomfort may work here. Radioactive warfare can defeat your enemies in this manner, but radiation may be attributed to cancer, which is not allowed in war. If you want to be original, create your own chemicals at home that you think will work. Test these chemicals on a mammal.


There are many ways to declare a victory, but there are few proven ways to actually attain it. Here are a few suggestions.

Defeat all enemies

This is the most traditional method, used from ancient Swiss times to today. It is a matter of fact that if all of your enemies have been defeated, you will win. Refer to the above guide on enemies to learn about elimination methods.


A common way to win a war is to kill the opposing teams leader. The theory is that if you chop of the head of the chicken, the chicken will freak out at you and die. In this case, however, it is imperative to make sure that the chicken does not grow a new head. To assasinate a leader, either use a rifle, bomb, or knife, all other tactics are sure to fail. Use the rifle to shoot the leader in the head, the bomb to blow them up, and the rifle to stab them somewhere. The leader can be classified as an enemy, but is fairly hard to kill in comparison. Please take note that you are also a leader, so be sure to wear a helmet.

Capture the Flag

Everybody knows that a civilization is useless without its flag. If you would like to win a war without having to defeat enemies, this is what you can do. Capturing a flag is not an easy task, it is often guarded by lazers, dogs, and enemies. This especially applies to the Red flag. To succesfully capture a flag, you will need to watch an espionage or spy movie like James Bond or Mission Impossible and take notes. Ninja movies may also work, but ememies will not hesitate to shoot ninjas. If your flag happens to be missing, do not allow it to be captured.