HowTo:Write a speech for George W. Bush

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“It's a myth to think I don't know what's going on. It's a myth to think that I'm not aware that there's opinions that don't agree with mine, because I'm fully aware of that”

~ George W. Bush on leadership

Preliminary Preparations[edit]

  1. Remove all Distractions from George's view ( Distractions like shiny inanimate objects )
  2. Select Background Accessories (see Accessories below) Photos to be sold later to GOP supporters at exhorbitant prices.
  3. Decide on proper Demeanor for the occasion (see Demeanor)
  4. Find the appropriate Opening Phrase (see Opening)
  5. Choose words/phrases from the Filler category. Assemble into short paragraphs. Remember to add directions from the Cues category. Otherwise he won't remember to do this. Also, take it easy on him. Don't make it too long. He'd much rather be with his coloring book right now, you know.
  6. Choose ending from Closing category.
  7. Add more syllables to every word. Perhaps three. Perhaps four.
  8. Remember if you run out of ideas you can always take a shit on some A4 paper. This is called "Standard Army Procedure" used in the Royal American Army when drawing up war plans. It can be applied in this context as long as it is not too runny.


Remove all Distractions To prevent George from going "off-script" and everyone thinking you wrote whatever comes out of his mouth. Do yourself a favor and check out the list below:

Bunnies are considered Distractions
  1. A copy of My Pet Goat
  2. Balloons
  3. Hurricane Katri- Nevermind
  4. Monica Lewinsky (wrong President-Ed.) (but he could still fall in love with her some how?)
  5. A heavyset man named Steve Johnson and has a receding hairline, wearing a purple shirt with .75 liters of soda spilled on it. If one of these conditions is not met or he has more than precisely 6000000 hairs on his head, he will not distract Georgie
  6. George will also be distracted by the oxygen around him. You should vacuum seal him before the speech to prevent this. Don't worry if he can survive since he does not need to breathe; he is invincible.
  7. A speech paper
  8. Liberals
  9. A running arm-tied dwarf in a penguin costume
  10. Anything blue
  11. An Audience
  12. Words
  13. Cosacs
  14. Tony Blair
  15. Gordan Brown
  16. Mrs Thatcher
  17. The Fucking French
  18. Heavily scented cheese
  19. The Aussies
  20. Clowns
  21. Pretzels
  22. Penises (his little friend Dick not included)
  23. People with shoes
  24. Rulers

Background Accessories[edit]

"...And I pity any girl who isn't me today, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!" *giggles*
  1. American flags
  2. Black people
  3. Mexicans
  4. Meaningless slogans and cliches written on American flags
  5. "Mission Accomplished" banner
  6. Soldiers, Sailors, Marines, Airmen, National Guardsmen and or Coast Guardsmen but only if they are not in you-know-whats
  7. Random people in random uniforms
  8. Something round overhead/behind so as to provide a "halo photo"
  9. Children
  10. Presidential Library
  11. Old People
  12. More American flags
  13. Master Chief
  14. God
  15. Dance Dance Revolution Games
  16. The Cobra Commander
  17. Bill Cosby
  18. The entire cast of all of the Star Wars films
  19. That guy that played Goldmember in Goldmember
  20. Piles of rubble
  21. Piles of brush
  22. Piles of Jews
  23. Flooded cities
  24. Saddam's head on stick. With a fresh apple in the mouth.
  25. Cheerleaders
  26. The Village People
  27. Satan


  1. "Good evening, my fellow Americans..."
  2. "My fellow Americans, my fellow citizens..."
  3. "On September 11th..."
  4. "I, George W. Bush, hereby..."
  5. "I've seen rumors on the, uh..."
  6. "Let me start off by saying I am not proud of what I did"
  7. "Let me start off by saying I am damn proud of what I did"
  8. "Let me start off by saying I'm proud of what my daddy did"
  9. "What I have here is the corpse of Al Gore..."
  10. "As I sit here on my podium..."
  11. "On my honor as a Nam veteran pilot"
  12. "On my honor as an Ivy League alumni"
  13. "It was China"
  14. "It was Al-Qaeda"
  15. "It was Bin Laden"
  16. "It was the devil"
  17. "It was my daddy"
  18. "Terrorists!"
  19. "It was God!"
  20. "It was Al Gore"
  21. "These boots are made for walking..."
  22. "I assure you that it WAS Iraq who..."
  23. "This is how i like my eggs in the morning..."
  24. "We Prayed to the wrong God"
  25. "We Prayed to The Wrong Dairy Product"
  26. "So how about that airline food!?"


You're thinking - how can he be so hot?
I'm a War President!
  1. "The weather is looking great today!"
  2. "Bill gates sucks!"
  3. "We are at war."
  4. "So we don't have to fight them here."
  5. "You should be afraid for reasons even I pretend to understand."
  6. "It's clearly a budget. It's got numbers in it."
  7. "Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning?"
  8. "Am the children learning?"
  9. "Do the children be learnin'?"
  10. "And we will bring them to justice."
  11. "The terrorists never stop thinking of ways to harm Americans, and neither do we."
  12. "So...."
  13. "They don't like our freedoms."
  14. "You forgot Poland!"
  15. "I'm the decider."
  16. "I'm a war president."
  17. "I hear the voices!"
  18. "Do you hear the voices?"
  19. "It's hard work."
  20. "Zombies are a threat!"
  21. "I'll bring the solution to an end."
  22. "We're workin' hard."
  23. "We can take 'em!"
  24. "Evildoers"
  25. "Freedoms"
  26. "Terrorists!"
  27. "Tourists!"
  28. "...Of terror"
  29. "...On terror"
  30. "Terrier"
  31. "Folks"
  32. "Axis of Evil"
  33. "Freedom"
  34. "Sanctity of Marriage"
  35. "War"
  36. "Boo"
  37. "...Um..."
  38. "Tax Cut"
  39. "Mission Accomplished"
  40. "9/11!"
  41. "Freedom"
  42. "Nukeelar power pants"
  43. "All your weapon are belong to us."
  44. "For NASA space is still a high priority"
  45. "Oops."
  46. "During the upcoming presidential erection"
  47. "Dose this make my butt look big?"
  48. "veHHHHicle"
  49. "Nuk-uh-lerrr"


Scrunch-up face, look like yer thinkin'
Now, there's a good boy
  1. Scrunch-up face, look like yer thinkin'
  2. Scrunch-up face, look like yer serious
  3. Pause
  4. Smirk
  5. Make monkey noses wile scratching armpits
  6. Lean on Podium
  7. Wiggle chin rapidly from side-to-side like an addict
  8. Adjust tie
  9. If standing, shift weight from side-to-side
  10. If sitting, lean to one side and lift up the other cheek
  11. Check package
  12. Check package of nearest person or statue
  13. Puff out cheeks and exhale, making a "hoo" sound (Like "Hoo-Boy!" But without the "boy.")
  14. Remove wedgie
  15. Sniff fingers
  16. Shove fingers under the nose of closest person or statue
  17. Shrug shoulders
  18. Grind teeth
  19. Chew while talking (show your detractors that you can do two things at once)
  20. Suck on teeth to remove food
  21. Pick teeth with finger
  22. Pick teeth with nearest object
  23. Pick teeth with all nearby objects
  24. Take a drink of nearest liquid
  25. Gargle
  26. Spit
  27. Pick ear with index finger
  28. Look at your finger
  29. Pick Nose
  30. Stare like a deer-in-the-headlights
  31. Shift eyes side to side
  32. Look around helplessly
  33. Gesture wildly
  34. Gesture inappropriately
  35. Gesture wildly AND inappropriately
  36. Stamp your foot down
  37. Slap the podium
  38. Blink a lot
  39. "we are going to war with ... mmmmmmm ...*whispers* who again *talks again* god!"
  40. Try to lick elbow
  41. Close your eyes and hope they all go away
  42. Punch Al Gore


  1. "send more troops to Iraq"
  2. "God Bless America and no one else"
  3. "God Bless me and no one else"
  4. "May God continue to bless America"
  5. "May God continue to continue to bless America."
  6. "May the Gods be with you, always."
  7. "Bring it on!"
  8. "May the Force be with you"
  9. "Free people vote me for president because they support the freedom of our free nation."
  10. "Defeat is not an option"
  11. "Don't mess with Texas."
  12. "...and remember people... if you attack America, you attack me. And you if you attack me, I attack you. And if I attack you, whaddaya gonna do? Attack America? Well if you attack America, you attack me. And if you attack me, I attack you. And if......."
  13. "Do you actually think that not sending more troops to Iraq will help the war on terror!?"
  14. "Bless God!"
  15. "God bless Texas"
  16. " And that is why God hates Everyone not 100% American."

See Also[edit]