Howard the Duck

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Howard the Duck.

Howard Pleck (December 26, 1886 - July 23, 1936) better known as Howard the Duck was an American ganglord and leader of the Chicago Mafia. Many rival gangmembers liken him to "a feathered Al Capone".


Born on December 26 1886, Howard grew up on Animal Farm outside St. Canard, secretly bribing the Farmer (who was in fact a puppet-ruler) and keeping a large percent of the profit. When the Communist pig Napoleon led a revolution against the Farmer, Howard secretly left California and travelled around America for protection. Because he was an actual Duck, Howard Pleck later became known as Howard the Duck.

Starting a Power Base[edit]

Howard began life outside Calisota as a bartender, accepting tips and bribes from drunks wanting their drinks spiced up, and Howard did so with Arsenic. Once the drunks had collapsed dead in the street, Howard would steal all valuables from the bodies and dump the remains in a nearby river or sparse woodland.

Howard openly boasted about his early murders to other gangmembers, and claimed that he could make a total $5,000 in one week of murdering Drunks instead of earning it with one year's work in the Bar.

Entering the Mafia[edit]

With so much talent, Howard was later spotted by Clyde "Clyde" Clooney, leader of the Ant Hill Mob. Eventually, Howard joined the gang in 1922, and shared Clydes' liking for Cigars.

The only known photo of Clyde "Clyde" Clooney, from c.1925

The Ant Hill Mob later formed a plan to pose as "protectors" to Southern Belle Penelope Pitstop, in the hope that she would later leave her vast wealth to them in her will. In his greedy mind, Howard later plotted to kill Clyde and the rest of the Mob so all profits would go to him alone. Using his Arsenic cocktails, Howard eventually disposed of Donny "Zippy" Adams and Christopher "Softie" Westley. The gang immediately suspected one another and went their separate ways.

The St. Valentines Day Massacre[edit]

Still eager to get his money, Howard continued to woo Pitstop and even proposed to her. However, on Valentines' Day of 1933, Howard killed Pitstop and left with all of Pitstops' valuables. The total sum of value for the stolen artifacts totalled to $1,570,000.

Charlie "Yak-Yak" Parson, a former member of the Ant Hill Mob, saw Howard attempting to escape, and was killed by Howard with the help of an Exploding Hat, which quite literally blew Chuckles' brains out. The body was later found by passing cops investigating the disturbance at Pitstop's home. The feathers around the corpse ultimately concluded that Howard was responsible.

En route to Michigan, Howard later killed two police officers, three protestors and one traffic warden. His reckless slaughter would later be known as the St. Valentines Day Massacre, and such actions would later inspire other gangmembers to commit mass slaughters on public holidays.


Howard hid low for a while, going by the alias of Dougal Duck and claiming to be an obscure relative of Donald Duck. With his new found wealth, Howard set up stock shares for himself in an effort to compete with Scrooge McDuck. However, upon meeting Scrooge at the Detroit Stock Exchange, Howard was immediately recognized and imprisoned, with the $500,000 reward for his capture going entirely to Scrooge McDuck.

Howard was taken to Supreme Court over 20 counts of Murder, 9 counts of Rape (all charged by the estate of Penelope Pitstop), 3 counts of Dangerous Driving, 2 counts of publicly consuming alcohol and 1 count of Jaywalking. All but the Rape charges were held against Howard, when the coroner found biological evidence that suggested Penelope had given consent to sex with Howard.

With Judge Hiram "Don't Gimme No" Balogna presiding, the trial of Howard the Duck began on June 11, 1936, and ended on July 1 of that year. Judge Balogna sentenced Howard to death by electrocution. Howard's last words in Court were: "You like yer Duck extra crispy, Judge?".

Howard as he is depicted in the 1986 movie by Daffy Duck.


Howard the Duck was executed by Electric Chair on July 23, 1936. His remains were eaten as a duck-dinner by the relatives of those murdered by Howard, and the leftovers were fed to Sylvester the Cat. As for the bones, they were buried in a cardboard box in Death Valley, thus ending the reign of Howard the Duck.

See Also[edit]