Hulk Hogan

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search


Hogan, before the accident
Bouncywikilogo5.gif
For those without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia have an article about Hulk Hogan.


Hulk Hogan is the current President Of The United States, and a devoted superhero. His known weapons are Pasta, Steroids and his daughter Brooke Hogan.


More known as the Hulkster, he made history defeating The Earth's Main God with his steroids in WWF In Your House X - Fighting On The Clouds of Sky.

Hogan loves his pasta!

One time when Hogan was deployed into Iraq nigga he was shot in the face by a Sherman tank who was trying to stick its barrel in his ass. Normally that would kill a man, but Hogan introduced something that had never been seen before, his extremely small chinese penis. Shaking his arms rapidly, he rose to one knee transvestite. He stood up, twisting wildly as if recovering his energy motha fucka. Then he turned to the heavily armored tank and pointed at it in excitement till he had a cumm shot. Hogan proceeded to say something that was not picked up by the jewish spys whos my daddy bitch, and delivered several devastating left overhand punches to the battle tank brother. Hogan also reportedly kicked the tank, leaving it a pile of smoldering scrap metal dude. Later, Hogan would admit that during the confrontation with the Sherman tank, he tore every muscle in his back after he had body-slammed it, but carried on for "All you Hulk-maniacs, BROTHER!" This would not be the last time he would "pump his cock" (as Hogan later referred to it on well known Hulk-maniac Oprah's show brother), and he would make use of this technique in most of his later fights with his penis.

The Big finger in the ass brother[edit]

Aside from hulking up, Hogan also makes use of a deadly martial arts combination allegedly taught to him by cookie cutter mcgee, in the bathroom in david haslehuffs house.

The attack begins when the victim is running towards the user. The user then lifts his finger so that it is level with the victim's asshole. Obviously, the sheer impact of the victim slow-jogging towards the user's outstretched ass causes said victim to violently shake like a wild dog getting fucked by a horse with a HUGE dick.

In some street fighting situations however, the victim is not running towards the user with the finger prepared. Hogan realized that he could work around this by using a ring-around-the-rosie move to send the victim running towards the playground; inevitably causing them to run back into his finger. When in situations with no playgrounds, Hogan often body-slams his opponent- this was seen when he defeated scooby doo, and later when he wrestled the 350 ton Andre the black.

Once having them on the floor, the user proceeds to execute the big fingerinto the opponents ass.

nWo[edit]

Main article: nWo
Hulk Hogan's nWo look

Hogan brainwashed Hall and Nash. With a combination of training, vitamins, roids, getting drunk, roids, getting laid, some more roids and Mad Dog 20/20, Hall and Nash converted to the church of the nWo. They soon took over WCW. Eventually, their Sphere of Influence expanded and encompassed the United States and Canada. Premiere Hogan immediately legalized the use of steroids, and forced the FDA to approve over-the-counter sales of anabolic steroids. Premiere Hogan stated, "The use of anabolic steroids is beneficial to the human race, brothers. According to our studies, anabolic steroids increases growth by 150%, at the cost of 200% shrinkage in the testes, some premature ejalculation, as well as swelling in the brain, brother. Thanks to Ultimate Warrior, R.I.P., volunteering for our study, we now have the ULTIMATE formula for creating a safer form of steroid, dude. We no longer have to worry about uncalled for ejalculation. We must now focus on how to circumvent the steroid from affecting the human brain and testicles. Whatcha gonna do?! Besides, who needs those anyways?"

Hogan's nWo now numbers in the trillions. Many under the influence of steroids. Premiere Hogan has recently signed a bill to increase steroid distribution by a billion fold.

Premiere Hogan and the nWo conquered the planet Vulcan in 1939 and ran wild.

At the Battle of Anaheim in 56BC, the Legion of Doom, Demolition, the 7th Calvary, the 300, the Spanish Armada, the Secret Six, Rikishi's carnivorous crack, and Andre the Giant's morning breath stopped the nWo's peaceful takeover of Brokeback Mountain.

The International House of Pancakes impeached Premiere Hogan due to inappropriate conduct in the Oval Office. White House camera's captured Hogan conducting sexual acts upon Bill Brasky.

Wrestlemania[edit]

Hogan after taking too many steroids

Wrestlemania I[edit]

Hogan's sucess begun at Wrestlemania I, where he defeated Snickamaniac in a matter of 3 hours.

Wrestlemania 2[edit]

Hulk Hogan then won his first world title at Wrestlemania II, where he defeated Straightamaniac by feeding him with pasta to win the G Division Title.

Wrestlemania III[edit]

At this point, Hogan challenged Giantamaniac To a Super Smash Bros. Brawl. Hogan and Andre fought until they had 999% damage, and they won't give up. Hogan smashed his Wiinamote on Andre's head, grabbed Andre's Wiinamote and

Wrestlemania IV[edit]

Wrestlemania IV was a big box-office flop as it detailed a freestyle rap tournament culminating to a match between Hulk Hogan and "Macho Man" Randy Savage. It must be noted, however, that both Eminem and John Cena were utterly destroyed in the crossfire.

Wrestlemania V[edit]

This film, based on a true story; starred Al Pacino as Hulk Hogan running around Downtown Miami, selling drungs, pumping roids and spouting out lame one liners. The decision to cast Al Pacino made this one of the biggest blockbusters of all time. In later years it was renamed Scarface, attracting drug fantasized idiots who think its cool to be bad, and somehow considered good.

Wrestlemania VI[edit]

Hulk Hogan slaps the man that was meant to overthrow him; Vladimir Lenin to death. The entire crowd at the Toronto Dome was splattered with blood. Ultimate Warrior made a surprise apearance and pulled a double sided knife on Vladimir Lenin's dead body and stabbed himself 12 times in the process.

Wrestlemania VII[edit]

Hulk Hogan is betrayed by the U.S. Army; and promptly defeats them in this classic comedy. The final scene confused people as to whether the movie was real or not, because it was a real-life unplanned scene of Hulk Hogan doing the big boot leg drop combination on Ronald Reagan in the oval office and defeated the Russians with the Star Wars Defense System Brother.

Wrestlemania VIII[edit]

In a follow-up to the previous year's film, Hulk Hogan faced off against the stable "The Supreme Court Justices" in a 30 foot high steel cage. The fight was labelled as "unfair" to the justices. They had shot with mule tranquillizers and air-dropped via helicopter into the cage where they awoke to a beating by Hogan. There was a silver lining; as sooner or later everyone awakens to a beating by Hogan at least these men and women knew their time had come and gone. No more waking up in the middle of the night frightened when you hear a door slam. It's not Hulk Hogan, not anymore. At least not for these nine. Oh god.

Wrestlemania IX[edit]

This book on tape retells the true story of how Mt. Fuji in Japan had become the subject of a severe sumo wrestler infestation. After several regular exterminators failed at the task, Hogan was sent in to toss the wrestlers into the boiling magma of Mt. Fuji's volcanic crater, which he did effortlessly from the base of the mountain.

Wrestlemania X[edit]

Because the previous year's book on tape did not sell well, Hogan re-enacted his heroic feat using real Sumo Wrestlers and an actual active volcano (though the snow was admittedly fake).

Wrestlemania XI[edit]

This obscure black and white film saw Hulk Hogan repeatedly leg-dropping Biggie Smalls in slow motion. It became an instant cult classic. Many believe it was the trauma of the aftermath of the punishment which killed Smalls, and not a gunshot as is widely believed.

Wrestlemania XII[edit]

"H-B-Gay" Shawn Michaels wanted to take Hogan's place as emperor of Outworld, but before he could challenge the latter to Mortal Kombat; Hogan kicked Michaels through a solid titanium wall. The captured footage was released as this mildly successful film.

Wrestlemania 13[edit]

In a blast from the past, Hogan was assaulted by the Undertaker of the wild west town the cowboys, which he had defeated in the first Wrestlemania, were from. Apparently this undertaker was disgruntled as he had been given so much work. The Undertaker was not able to withstand being slammed from the terrace of a nine story building and through 18 wooden tables.

Wrestlemania XIV[edit]

Hulk Hogan faced his toughest challenge yet, as he was challenged by Stone Cold Steve Austin to a street fight. Though Austin had carefully studied Hogan for the previous 20 years, he was caught off guard by the Hulking Up, Big Boot and Leg Drop combination.

Wrestlemania XV[edit]

Hulk Hogan faced a returning Austin. This time Austin was assisted by The Rock. Both of these jabronies received a swift cross-kick by Hogan which sent them flying through the air; landing somewhere in the Pacific Ocean.

Wrestlemania 2000[edit]

In this movie instalment in the popular series, Hulk Hogan combats the Y2K Virus by leg dropping several computers and computer users.

Wrestlemania XVII[edit]

In almost a retake of 'mania XV, this time an (at the time) evil Hogan launched the Austin-Rock team out of a cannon; landing them somewhere in Africa, where they were quickly sainsbury's consumed by gorillas on PCP.

Wrestlemania XVIII[edit]

By this time The Rock had saved the Earth from an invasion, so this fight between him and Hogan had people split considering who to root for. Austin was nowhere to be seen but was reportedly hit with the Rock as the latter fell from the sky after having been uppercut by Hogan. This was a move Hogan had then recently been taught by his longtime friend Scorpion.

Wrestlemania XIX[edit]

This movie documented Hogan's rise to ownership of the World Wrestling Entertainment Corporation, after challenging and beating Vince McMahon to the death. The fight was notable in that the referee was Jabberjaw, a large shit-talking shark.

Hogan caught in the middle of mastubating with the nWo, AWWWW BROTHER! GET READY FOR A FACIAL, SCOTT NORTON!! (Hmmmm, so THAT explains why he was in the nWo...

Wrestlemania XX[edit]

With a returning Shawn Michaels, who had finally recovered from the back injuries he sustained in being punched through a titanium wall teaming up with an also recovered Undertaker, as well as a attempted murder on the life of Michaels by Chris Benoit; Hogan was in trouble. Or he would have been if he hadn't punched both of them through an even thicker titanium wall, causing them to fall through several burning wooden tables. brother!

Wrestlemania XXI[edit]

Hogan took out Osama Bin Laden after beating Muhammad Ali in a foot race for the terrorist. Incidentally, he also karate chopped a retard named Eugene. Hogan sent an apology to the funeral.

Wrestlemania XXII[edit]

Hogan body slammed the Juggernaut through the mat, ending the eternal debate, "Whatcha gonna do when Hulkamania runs wild on you?"

Wrestlemania XXIII[edit]

This was the first ever wrestlemania where Hogan wasn't arrested for Banging guys in the shower. It was Hogan vs The Terminator & Mr. T. but The Terminator couldn't come because he got pulled over with a DUI earlier that night, so Hogan fought Mr. T. At the end of the match, The Hulkster pulled out a 9mm and shot Mr. T.'s shiny ass 45 times. Then Hall and Nash Came out to Spray-paint n.W.o on him, so they received bullets to the testicles for their trouble. Mr. T. was then set on fire by Hogan. After the Funeral for Mr. T, Stone Cold Steve Austin pissed on his grave and dug up Mr. T's corpse, he then proceeded to rape the dead body, being sure to pack a mud-hole up Mr. T's ass, and then buried Mr. T's body again. Then the n.W.o came back to re-unite and celebrate, and are currently the WWE Gay Champs along with "H-B-Gay" Shawn Michaels. Hulk Hogan killed many Nazis later and found and destroyed The Terminator with Adolf Hitler's Luger Pistol.

..He made the music that made people rape common house plants....."

WrestleMania XXIV[edit]

Wrestlemania 24 was a good and bad Wrestlemania for the gay Hukster. First thing, Hogan came out to the world by banging H-B-Gay in the ring. It was a bum rape match. But in the middle of the match KKK ( also know as HHH) came out and accidentally cum'd in H-B-Gays eyes forcing him to get raped even harder in the bum. shortly after Hogan finished both of them, he left the arena and was immediately arrested for possession of marijuana, cocaine, heroin, and steroids which were all hidden up his wrinkled ass.

Wrestlemania XXV[edit]

Vince "Mac Daddy" McMahon is losing business and sperm and Hulk was out of steroid money, so rumour has it that Vince called Hogan over an proposed a match after he violated him repeatedly. Hulk Hogan is either going to battle John Cena or Randy Savage at a Hulky's fart match. The loudest fart wins. A new match is also rumoured. A tooth vs life match which will pit the Hulkster against Chris Benoit. If Benoit looses the match, Hulk can extract one tooth from Benoit. If Hulk looses the match, Chris Benoit can kill Hulk Hogan. But What happens if Chris Benoit is dead already who will Hulk face??? FIND OUT AT WWE.COM!

The Hulksters Bros. n Hoes[edit]

The Hulk also know as the Bulk for a brief period in the 80's for taking steroids formed many friends and has a amazing social life for a person from the Ghetto.

  • The Cock also knows as the Rock
  • Mick 'needs' Funk also know as Mick Foley
  • He used to be good friends with RKO Randy Scrotum
  • Underfaker
  • Trish Stripit
  • Vince McMad

Summerslam '06[edit]

Hogan impersonator with Orton

It was the Hulkster versus the rootin' tootin' legend killer, Randy Orton, himself brother. Randy Orton nailed the RKO on the Hulkster, but his friend Tetsuo lifted the Hulkster's leg and put it on the ropes brother. The ref saw it and he gave the Hulkster another chance. The Hulkster tapped into the gem of Cyttorak at that time brother and Hulkamania ran wild on the Legend Killer dude. He picked him up like Andre the Giant at the Pontiac Silverdome and he body slammed him into the mat and got him for the one-two-three. Hulkamania lives on brother. Backstage a member of the bloods shot hogan in the crotch and spit in his face. Bullets have no effect on Hulk Hogan, however, so Hogan ran wild on every single blood in the universe.

The Immortal Hulk Hogan[edit]

After drawing energy from Hulkamania, Hulk Hogan showed he was capable of living forever. The fact Hogan is still alive when every other wrestler his age should be dead has convinced non believers. The only other exception is Father Time himself Ric Flair.

It is said that rock band, Adema got inspiration to write their famous song "Immortal" from Hulk Hogan's inability to die no matter the situation. One lyric that clearly describes Hogan in the song is "You can't kill me I'm Immortal!"

Even though, he can only perform one move. Which is a pretty crappy leg drop.

Hogan Knows Best[edit]

Needing money so his wife can buy even larger tits, Hogan pimped his children out on VH1...we mean "pimped" out in the figurative sense, other then the time when he literally pimped out Nick's sweet ass to Brian Nobbes the "nasty boy". The show was charcterized by the Brady Bunch like sexual tension between Brooke and Nick, also when Hogan killed the pets and then raped their sweet, sweet animal corpses. The show has so far, been a flop. Hogan doesn't care, and continues to rape those corpses, even after the decomposition took over. Hogan continued to pimp out his kids as well, even during Nick's car accident.

Finally, Linda had enough and left him.

Update:

Guinness has recently awarded Hogan Knows Best as the best show in history, stating "If we didn't do this, we'd be on the receiving end of an Atomic Leg Drop...and we all know how that ends." Hogan states that he had nothing to do with this and that "All the Hulkamaniacs around the world know the truth!"

The End of the Legend?[edit]

In 2006, not long after his epic battle with Voltron, Hogan was diagnosed with Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis which he had received from the ghost of Andre The Giant. Andre said he was sorry, but it was far too late. Shortly after Wrestlemania XXII, Hogan finally succumbed to the terrible illness that had plagued him all his life; greatly reducing his strength. The world's greatest hero died on January 28 2007.

Hulk Hogan is survived by his sons, Black Hogan and James Hogan. Muhammad Ali was ready to have attempted traveling back in time to save Hogan's life, but stopped to remember the Hulkster's word's of wisdom.

“Time traveling to save one's life may make one happy in the end, but you should never forget that the people from that timeline will die off. The murder of millions for the life of one? Cough cough, Brookes a slut, cough, cough. No way, brother.”

Resurrection[edit]

Zombie Hogan, after legdropping every demon in hell, decided he was too badass for hell and tunneled out through the Marinara Trench in Italy, brother. He has come to devour the souls of virgins and club seals. As of 2007 he is threatening to reactivate WCW and eat Cracker Jack's face.

See also[edit]

Quotable Quotes[edit]

  • "Brother!"
  • "Dude!"
  • "Brother dude!"
  • "Whatcha gonna do, when Hulk Hogan, God, Jesus and the United States Marine Corp runs wild on you! WHATCHA GONNA DO?!"
  • "Hey brother, can you stick this shot of 'roids in my ass, brother?"
  • "Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah!"
  • "The fans can stick it!"
  • "Fuck the Ultimate Warrior."
  • "When I picked up the seven-hundred pound, nine foot tall Andre The Giant, the world stood in awe, brother!"
  • "Flavor of the month!"
  • "YOU!!"
  • "I need a hip replacement."
  • "When I picked up the half ton, twelve foot tall Andre The Giant, the earth shook, brother!"
  • "After the Ultimate Warrior won the WWF title, everyone in the building watched me leave instead of him celebrate. Now gimme the fuckin' belt back! (after I make my movie)"
  • "What? I put Kidman over."
  • "DON'T TALK ABOUT THE HAIR, BROTHER."
  • "I LOVE CUNT JUICE, BROTHER."
  • HULKABRAINIA is not my thang, brother
  • "I'm high brother!
  • "Brother i like to put sun tan oil all over my own daughters ass brother."
  • "I'm gonna crush butt!"

External links[edit]