“Keep a ball (or ovary) alive”
Human sterilisation is a process of smashing one's genitals against a brick wall to prevent reproduction and deadly STD. As of 2007, it is a compulsory process for all Martians to sterilise their human pets before adopting them. This has been a controversial issue since the Middle Ages, and questions about human cruelty and abuse have been constantly raised by human rights groups and most notably, Richard Simmons.
Human sterilisation first started in 1612 when an actor named Bobby Trendy playing Hamlet lost his genitals during the Shakespearean play when his gay partner, Sigmund Freud, who played Laertes, stabbed them with his sword accidentally. Shocked at the treachery he had done, he flung the sword towards Oscar Wilde, a notable gay author sitting among the crowd. Most of the audience were howling with shock, but a few observers said that some onlookers were fighting for the sword, including Oscar Wilde, who caught it in the end, described the sword as "a ketchup-covered kebab almost ready to be eaten". The sword was now on sale in Ebay in December 1999, and Steven Spielberg won the auction. Later, investigation showed that the sword had been in fact stolen from Pablo Picasso's original collection.
It was this incident that sparked the idea of human sterilisation. The victim's colleagues later noted that he had become more feminine and well-mannered, and abstained completely from all kinds of sex. In fact, he was the only one to stay alive and free of gonorrhoea after each drama tour. He had played 78 female roles since the incident occurred, most notably Ophelia, Portia and Sharon Stone. Jon Stewart, who played Nerissa in the Merchant of Venice in 1623, commented, "His performance was ballsalacious." Bobby's longevity was also attributed to his sterilisation. He lived from 1600 to 1989.
However, human sterilisation was also found to be risky and dangerous, as shown by Michael Jackson, who had repeatedly smashed his nose against the wall thinking that it was his penis. The cartilage supporting his nose is now completely destroyed, and experts suggest reattachment surgery, where his penis will be surgically removed and taped to his face using cellotape as a replacement. Another victim was Richard Simmons, who reportedly smashed them when the dumbbell he was holding fell from his hand. It is encouraged to be performed by a qualified sturgeon.
Importance of Human Sterilisation
Human sterilisation is not a major issue on Earth presently, as the Michael Jackson case has caused many people to abandon such a method to increase lifespan and lie that sex actually achieves the same results. Notable experts like David Letterman couldn't care less. However, Martians view it as an important process when adopting human pets, especially males. They find it very hard to clean them up as the penis is an obstruction, and chopping their genitals off makes taking care easier.
Human sterilisation can also prevent humans from breeding. Human ownership in Mars is more popular than ever, but each year, the HPS (Human Pet Society) receives over 20,00 unwanted men. Tragically, most of them have to be smashed to death in a industrial blender because the numbers are too large to use for the annual sacrificial ceremonies on Olympus Mons.
Stand of HPS and controversy
HPS claimed that there are many reasons why human pets should be sterilised. Unsterilised humans often suffer from cancer of the genitals. Sterilised men will have reduced chances of getting these ailments. Sexual frustration can drive men berserk, and the urge to "fuck a lot of women" was demonstrated by notable opponent Alan Arkin. This urge will cause many problems, such as fighting with other men, getting hit by cars or catching diseases. Frustration does not help the man's mental health either, as shown by Oscar Wilde. Sterilised men are quieter and have fewer behavioural problems like urinating or spraying on carpets and furniture.
The procedure was said to be painless because the Martians reportedly forced the men to watch Richard Simmon's sex tape before beginning the operation, so the men felt no pain. HPS said the there may be slight discomfort for ten months, but it will "soon be over", and the pet's chances of a healthy life is enhanced. However, this has been disputed, as a study has shown that 9 out of 10 men pets were traumatised by the video and lost their sanity. A notable critic, Mark Foley, suggested that this causes the men to be controlled by the Martians mentally. He reportedly tried to solve the problem by having sex with a number of Martian congressmen, ranging from ages 3 to 90, so that they will change the present policy. A round of talks will be held in the Mars-Earth Summit in 2050, where the Earthlings hope to persuade the Martians to ban human sterilisation.
HPS maintained that human sterilisation is not cruel. It is even more cruel, they say, to deny unsterilised men normal mating. If allowed to mate, Martians will be contributing to the problem of unwanted men in Mars. Sexually frustrated men not only become restless and scream constantly, they can also lose weight and become susceptible to diseases. A sterilised man is said to be a calmer and easier pet. The pet's appearance will stay the same, said HPS, though graphic evidence clearly showed the opposite. HPS now suggests a procedure to attach a fake rubber tube to all male pets so that they can retain their dignity. They also claim that many pets will become more playful and affectionate because they are not distracted by the urge to mate. Human sterilisation can also increase the lifespan of the human, though it is said that Martians are more concerned about that fact that longer-living animals like tortoises and terrapins are not readily available on Mars.
- Bobby Trendy
- Michael Jackson
- Alan Arkin
- Mark Foley
- Human Pet Society
- Richard Simmons
- It was claimed that Richard Simmons agree to support human sterilisation if an amount of 10 million US dollars is paid to him as annual salary for his video. Both parties reportedly fell out, and HPS was said to use sex tapes involving Kevin Federline and a herd of sexually aggressive elephants. It was said to be more effective because many "burst out laughing" and it saves the cost of using nitrous oxide. However, both Richard Simmons and HPS refuted the claim. The rumor was later confirmed by the court as Simmons and the chairman of HPS, Chewbacca, were found to be intimate partners. Further investigations wil be made.