Human vs. Kitten War

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God is about to kill this kitten. But don't worry. It would have grown up to be the next Hitler.

The Human vs. Kitten War III was a the third of five wars between humans and kittens which lasted over NINE THOUSAND years. It was won by the kittens, and began in 2012 and ended in the year 9,672. It started over a comment written by a drunk kitten on a napkin in a KFC resturant--900,000 years after the war by the last living thing on earth, a kitten, who was really really really really pissed that he was the last on earth because of the war, and then that got sucked into a time rift and was pulled to 1991 and started the whole event. Both sides were promised by God that masturbation would cause mass deaths on the other side. Consquently, both sides began vigourous, and violent, masturbation, inflicting devastating friction burns.

This video shows a kitten during one of their infamous Blood Frenzies.


Humans have always seen kittens as being dictators who meowed whenever they wanted food, or wanted a human to massage them. Tensions have always existed, but were usually subdued in their mutual hatred for the human-like monkeys. Due to the success of the human-designed Deforestation weapon, monkeys now barely exist. Kitten vs. Human tension thus rose to the surface as both sought to gain control of the world.

God promises death for masturbation[edit]

No one is quite sure why God promised both sides to kill the other in return for masturbation. Some theories include:

  • God is a pervert.
  • Masturbating is a sin, that's why heaven is empty.
  • God likes to kill, but needs an excuse.
  • Everyone masturbates, so why not reward them?
  • The plan to create a perfect army of ferocious and valorous warriors, capable of overthroing Odin's Einherjars (noble warriors defeated and recruited by Valkyries) at Ragnarok.
  • He was running out of room in heaven and didn't want anyone else to get there.
  • God's way of telling you you should have nutted in a pussy instead of a sock

War breaks out[edit]

The legendary cat revolutionary, Chat Guevara.

Above: Kittens are known for their deadly marksmanship.

Tension between humans and kittens was reaching boiling point after George W. Bush announced Kittenolivia to be part of the axis of evil alongside Iraq and North Korea (Cobra was not available for comment). it should be noted that bush was drunk, and this comment was scribbled on a napkin. Bush cited the intelligence from the CIA that kittens had invented The Game, which Bush kept losing. Violent masturbation finally erupted when Bush announced that kittens had weapons of mass destruction in the form of nuclear hairballs.

Kittens are responsible for circumcision. They attempted to use circumcision to stop masturbation, unfortunately for them they forgot about those who are uncircumcised, not Jewish or able to masturbate anyway but for longer periods of time. And unfortunately for us, an evil kitten, Fornicating Magpie, invented something even more horrible then circumcision. He invented female circumcision. Almost 7% of world's female population is already circumcised and therefore it's impossible for them to masturbate. Kittens call it The Ultimate Weapon. Masturbation rate went dangerously low after kittens invented this. Thus, thanks to all girl slumber parties, the masturbation rate was soon back to normal and the stalemate continued until the battle of Verkatnippen.

Über-evil kitten overlord.
Famed Feline Assassin - Cata Hari

Subversives and Assassins - the War goes Underground[edit]

During the cold winter of 2004, the war, already becoming stagnated as both sides equalised each other out, had turned to much darker methods. Undercover humans disguised as Kittens and other neutral animals took to infiltrating the Kitten ranks. These operatives, known as Furries, resorted to guerilla tactics to hasten the demise of the kitten. It wasn't long before the Kittens retaliated, with the infamous Cata Hari, personally responsible for over 400 human fatalities.

25 December massacre[edit]

On 25 December 2400, the kitten army launched a massive uncoordinated masturbation session or Clumsy Kitty Circle Jerk. God began to entertain them with mass art attacks, but this was too slow in killing off the human's appetites for Kitty Porn. Instead, God decided to lunch at tsunami a chic bistro in South Asia with some of the human race's worst wankers (or "salami slappers" as the kittens called them, the little vixens). The Death Troll was hounded for her autograph in urine on newsprint by nearly 250,000 humans, and in her haste she slaughtered many but also took out some kittens, who then had to regroup.

Human response[edit]

The human species began a counter-offensive soon afterwards, with New York leading the way as they are all wankers. Kitten deaths have been high, with some estimating nearly one million killed so far. The kittens have largely been driven into hiding, but are suspected to be preparing a counter-mass-masturbation soon, using newly researched 'Kitty Litter'(TM) damage multipliers. Meanwhile, the US government is preparing an auto-masturbate system, which would allow humans to masturbate without any effort. (See also: Women). From the Human vs. Kitten Wars came some positive social aspects. People who were girlfriendless losers and or unlucky with women were now the army's greatest generals and war heros. In this way men that were forgotten by society were now given the recognition they deserve for their talents.

List of famous Generals

List of Famous military units

List of Famous Kitten Commanders.

  • Garfield. -Both the President and the Cat.
  • H.P. Lovecraft-Lovecraft loved cats so much that he decided to become one of them.
  • Hello Kitty-This evil cat has managed to sway millions of Japanese Schoolgirl into masturbating using the Hello Kitty Vibrator, one wonders which side their masturbation is helping and which side it is harming.
  • Catgirls-These Anime inspired japanese half breed super kittens greatly influenced the otaku community to the kitten side which greatly helped their cause during the third war.
  • Deadpool-Called to arms by his Cat brethren, Deadpool defended his species diligantly throughout this war.

New Developments[edit]

Human scientists, by accident, discovered that Bill Gates's face is hideously ugly enough that when unmasked, any kittens witnessing this atrocity are instantly smitten by God. These scientists are trying to develop an ultimate kitten-killing weapon, consisting of Bill Gates and a system of mirrors that will finally eliminate the great Kitten menace.

Kittens have been known to kill robots on a war between robots and zombies. Kittens have also been credited with the invention of lemonade, a natural "kitten steiroid".

In recent months, the Kittens have appeared to be close to winning due to some great scare tactics and excellent propaganda films.

The Kitten Vs Human War Today[edit]

Liberals complain about killing kittens in this fashion.
The evil kitteh from jupitur, attacking a major city.

The Kittens are fighting back...YES THEY ARE!!! They are using guerilla tactics to prey on the weak and innocent humans to gain control of important territories such as the United States of America and The Glorious Reformed Republic of the Soviet Union. They use the "pounce and scratch" technique to gain the element of surprise and overwhelm the victim to avoid being huffed.
Good for them.
currently, the fighting takes place on earth, urth, Middle Earth, the therion system, garnox, the kitten homeworld, minos-gamma-theta, and the mighty colony world, capital of kitten existence, jupitur.

The Coven-kitten attacking planet therion prime.

Above: A kitten demonstrating the infamous "pounce and scratch" technique to destroy an intruding human. Notice how the kitten uses its hind claws to apply pressure to the balls so the human cannot defend.


It is rumored that the underground resistance is rebuilding its forces. Richard Gere is secretly joining up, stating, "Kittens, not hamsters, are the new threat of the millenium. I may not be great with weapons but I fully plan to pwn a few kittens even if I have to shove them up my ass to save my comrades." He is calling on such notable kitten-rebels as Patricia Heaton, Oprah Winfrey, Christian Bale and Your Mom to re-arm the rebellion. You never know when they may strike next... it is also suspected that the sith lord turkmenbashi may become involved.

See Also[edit]

Cats with guns