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Hugh Mann, inventor of Humanism

Hugh Mann shares the distinction with such other humans as Vladimir ("Vlad the Impaler") Lenin, Karl Marx, and Sigmund Freud of having had a body of thought named after him, Humanism joining Leninism, Marxism, and Freudianism as a philosophical attempt to justify the ways of nature to man.

Basis of Liberalism[edit]

For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Humanism.

Many liberal thinkers, politicians, artists, and others seek, in Humanism, a basis for their beliefs about human nature, or the “human condition,” as they prefer to call it. These beliefs can be summarized as follows:

  • Humans are the helpless victims of their circumstances, which, more often than not, include abuse--verbal, emotional, physical, sexual, or otherwise--as children.
  • Humans, because of the fact that they have been victimized in one or more ways, are entitled to free benefits, including food, clothing, shelter, sex, medical care, dental care, a job (if they choose to work), and entertainment, courtesy of the redistribution of wealth via the taxation of non-humanists (i. e., heretics).
  • Instant gratification is to be encouraged as natural and normal, whereas delayed gratification is to be discouraged as unnatural and abnormal.
  • Those humans who are not considered to be psychotic must be considered neurotic, and neurosis must be “treated” so as to provide every opportunity for its development into psychosis.
  • Humans are finite (limited).
  • Ignorance is bliss.
  • Because they are usually victims and are always both finite and, to some degree, ignorant, humans cannot help making “mistakes” such as genocide, murder, rape, and robbery.


Based on its extensive study of such humans as Adolph Hitler, Benito Mussolini, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein, John Wayne Gacy, Ted Bundy, Jeffrey Dahmer, and others, The Humanist Manifestos I - XIII assert that all humans everywhere are, at all times, not only worthy of dignity and respect but are also “a little lower than the angels.” Despite the great difficulty of demonstrating the truth of its principles that human beings are both innately good and moral animals, Humanists declare them to be able to determine their own fate (unless they are involved in an automobile accident, have a heart attack, succumb to cancer, die as a war casualty, starve to death, are victims of a natural catastrophe, or are struck by lightning or buried in an avalanche or earthquake); do not require supernatural or otherworldly justification for their existence, since they are themselves the ground of being and nothingness; and should cooperate in mutually advantageous, global cooperation in which neither borders; cultural, economic, gender-based, or ethnic differences exist; and Valhalla, Nirvana, or any other non-Christian paradise is just around the corner. However, neither Norse, Buddhist, Christian, nor any other type of religious system or deity need apply, as Humanism is a secular religion and, as such offers all the “life stance” that any normal, functional human being needs. Agnosticism is preferred over religious faith, if one cannot bring oneself to be entirely atheistic. This last tenet was added recently to appeal to Nobel Laureates who, Humanists learned, tend to believe in a transcendent order of reality and do not rule out the possibility of God’s existence. Concerning non-human animals, such as lions, tigers, and bears, Humanism is neutral, saying, simply “Oh, goodness!"


Humanism had early roots in the body of ancient Greek thought, and included the opinions of such famous cadavers as pantywaists Thales of Syphilis, who advocated “Nose, thighs, self”); Xenophanes of Colonoscopy (a supporter of athletes and author of the motto “E pluribus anum”); Anaxagoras (the world’s first spelunker); Pericles (a “D” bunker); and Protagoras and Democritus who, with Thucydides, formed a love triangle that enabled them to plot the world’s first homosexual hypotenuse, thereby determining the weight, in square tonnage, of the hippogriff. Also the worshippers of Moloch and other liberal dieties have contributed to humanism.


During the Dark Ages, Humanism’s precursors held orgies in catacombs and their movements went underground and became soiled by contact with the corpses with whom its advocates engaged in acts of necrophilia (mostly sodomy). However, during the Renaissance, Humanism’s basic beliefs were reborn, as was most of Western civilization, thanks to Eastern mysticism, and the thinkers of this time argued that Beauty was not a quality, or quiddity, as Aristotle had thought, but, rather a “pathway” that led to God. (God was not, at this point, considered a ghost in the cosmic machine.) However, Galileo led these forefathers of Humanism to conclude that, if the earth revolved around the sun, it could not revolve around God, and, therefore, the idea of the beautiful and aesthetics in general were “dangerous errors.” During the Renaissance, many of Humanism’s earliest and truest believers tortured religious heretics and burned the devout at the stake, often devouring their offspring as hors d’oeuvres. In place of God and religious faith, Renaissance believers in what would come to be called Humanism advocated jockstraps and sports, with the arts as a distraction for those who lacked the physical strength and stamina to toss and chase balls of various shapes and sizes. Thanks to them, football, baseball, and basketball became profitable, although music, art, grammar, rhetoric, oratory, history, and poetry suffered what some historians of culture believe was an “untimely death.”

Modern Humanism[edit]

Hugh Mann was born in 1919, the product of an incestuous relationship between Edsel Ford and his father, Henry. Mann wanted to apply the assembly line means of production to human thought and, an eclectic, if romantic, thinker of sorts himself, he fitted one idea to another, as if they were mechanical components rather than the results of cognitive processes, to create the hodgepodge of claptrap and nonsense that bears his name and is preserved in The Humanist Manifestos I - XIII. He founded the First Humanist Wonder of the World in New York City in 1929, forcing his opinions on Juilan Huxley, John Dewey, Albert Einstein, and his distant cousin, Thomas Mann. Isaac Asimov joined shortly after his demise and was named the organization’s first posthumous emeritus a year later. Since then, Kurt Vonnegut has occupied the tomb in the niche opposite Asimov’s, whose science fiction he emulated as vehicles for expressing Humanism.


Generally speaking, there are three broad categories of modern Humanism: sexual, orgasmic, and orgiastic, corresponding, roughly, to heterosexuality, homosexuality, and bisexuality. Transsexual and transvestite Humanists have attempted to develop a fourth, alternative form of Humanism, educational Humanism, which builds on the notion of U.S. Commissioner of Education W.T. Harris, who believed that there are “five windows of the soul,” namely mathematics, geography, history, grammar, and literature/art. It is unclear why Harris’ windows did not include sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Hugh Mann himself believed that the cosmos was created by a “cataclysmic event, or a kind of cosmic fart” and that “the human species is the celestial feces that followed.” However, he adds that it is not necessary to believe as he does about the origin of the universe to consider oneself a Humanist. “All you have to do is believe that you, like me, are Hugh Mann.”


Humanist logo

Humanists have adopted the dotted letter “H” (capitalized, of course) as their logo. The dot is said to represent the world, and the “H” stands for either “honey” or “hippopotami.” The reason for the selection of this logo remains as obscure as many of the Humanist’s foundational beliefs, which is unimportant as long as one is aware that he or she is Hugh Mann.

Known Humanists[edit]

External Link[edit]