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This page is about the animal species, for the country see "Germany" for the language see "German language".
German poster for the 2005 elections.

“Give a German a gun and a tune to march to and he'll have taken over Paris within the week.”

~ Marshall Pétain on Germans

“Germans, are species of Northern European mammals. They live in herds, usually guided by a male Austrian.”

~ A biologist on Germans

“The German language is characterized by vomiting, shouting and of course the absence of whispering.”

~ A linguist on the German language.

“I'd rather decline two German beers than one German adjective.”

~ Mark Twain on the German language.

Society and culture[edit]


Germans are classified the following way:

  • Mammalians
    • Primates
      • Hominidae
          • Homo neanderthalensis
            • Homo neanderthalensis teutonicus (English:The common German)

Growth and Development[edit]

A German in his larval state.

Germans are, like humans, mammals. Unlike most responsible humans however, the female German (or "Führerin") does not take care of the young. Early childhood care in usually left in the hands of the fiercest - or at least loudest - ranter from the preceding generation.

The lack of diversity in courses of study occasionally presents a problem. When there are shortages on the foods that the Germans have been trained to eat, they usually have no idea how to feed themselves or their offspring. Germans are then forced to improvise. This is one of the many reasons why the breath of young German children smells like urine.

After childhood, when they've reached the age of 5, German males go through a period of "musth", characterized by highly aggressive behaviour, accompanied by a significant rise in reproductive hormones. Because the German males outnumber the females by 3 to 1, evolution has provided the females with multiple vaginas and a huge womb. This is why during childbirth a German female is often compared to a cluster bomb, as they breed in litters as well.

Social structure[edit]

Although Germans are an endangered species, sightings are not altogether inconceivable. Here is an artist's sketch of the German, captured in a rare moment of respite.

A herd of Germans usually consists of about 80 animals led by a patriarch or "Austrian", whom most Other peoples would be smart enough to avoid. Like lemmings, Germans have a high reproductive rate and can breed rapidly in good seasons. German populations go through rapid growths and subsequent crashes that have entered popular consciousness as a supposedly widespread German phenomenon of mass suicide by waging large Wars. These periods of mass suicide generally happen every 75 years, though there are known exceptions.

The mass suicide episodes are essential to the existence of other races in the world. If the Germans reached a too high number of citizens, they would finally be able to take over the world in the next world war. This theory is based on mathematical evidence that shows that, in a war, a German usually kills 20 enemies before being killed. Strangely, there seems to be no relation between the Spartans and the Germans.

Despite these tendencies and rapid population growth within the last two hundred years, Germans are quickly becoming an endangered species. A highly migratory animal, the German has found his choice environment and living space (Lebensraum) to have dwindled over the years, reducing the possibilities for widespread growth in multiple regions. Likewise, some scholars have noted that the rapid mating periods have now been replaced almost entirely by piss play, bondage, bukkake and beastiality, an unusual development indeed. This change of events has altered known population figures, and has the rest of the world scratching their heads, wondering what the hell happened to the Germans.

Natural enemies[edit]

Germans today have very few enemies within the animal kingdom, other than themselves. With the recent extinction of the "Homo sapiens Communii" or "Common Red Soviet" the Germans have lost one of their biggest natural enemies. Because Germans are very large animals (some can weigh as much as 400 kilos) their only real predator is the huge "Homo sapiens Batavii", the common Dutchman. The Dutch tend to invade the German feeding grounds every summer with their mobile slaughterhouses or "caravans" and, on their way to vacation in the Balkans, kill as much as 24% of the total population of Germans.


Despite their appearance ze Germans are remarkably intelligent animals. Some Germans are in fact smarter than the closest related animal to humans, the Chimpanzee. Germans are not recommended as pets. Although they are extremely trainable, most people have found that they do not posses a mind of their own and continually depend on receiving and carrying out orders.

National traumas[edit]

Don't mention the war[edit]

Germans have a huge burden to carry with them. After all they did lose 2 World Wars, although it took almost every nation in the world to beat them in WW2. and failed to exterminate the Jews. Germans are very ashamed about this and to not like to be reminded of these "shortcomings". It is advised that when a German claims he, his father, or grandfather didn't participate, you just play along. After all no one is proud of the inferiority of himself or her relatives. Indeed many older Germans (75+) are looked down upon because they "didn't get the job done".

Sense of humour[edit]

Nein. Please move on to ze next paragraph. Mein towel is on this deckchair.

The German language[edit]

To many the German language sounds like a pack of dogs fighting with each other. There is some truth is this stereotypical portrait of the German tongue. As Germans lack advanced verbal skills they interact with each other through short bark-like sounds. So far these sounds (of a total of 14) have been deciphered:

  • ich ("I")
  • Du ("You")
  • Ihr ("All Y'all")
  • Wir! ("We")
  • Finden ("To locate)
  • Essen ("Food")
  • Hier ("Here")
  • Dort ("There")
  • Jetzt ("Now")
  • Ja ("Yes")
  • Nein("No")
  • JAWOHL, MEIN FÜHRER! (formal "Yes")
  • JAWOHL, MEIN FÜHRER! (formal "No")
  • Sieg Heil ("Hooray!")

For example when a German female has found some food she might have the following conversation:

(German female) "Ich Finde essen Dort" (I locate food there)
(Other Germans) "Ja?" (Yes?)
(German female) "Ja!" (Yes!)
(Other Germans) "Wir essen Jetzt?" (We food now?)
(German female) "Ja, wir essen Jetzt" (Yes we food now)
(Other Germans) "Sieg Heil!" (Hooray!)

A simple but effective way for them to communicate.

German Fun Facts and Trivia[edit]

  1. The Germans call their native land Deutschland (pronounced Doucheland) because of all the other countries taking a shit on Germany.
  2. Germans can reach speeds up to and beyond Mach 1. Hiroshima wasn't an atomic bomb; it was a herd of stampeding Germans.
  3. Most Germans still dream of world domination.
  4. Germans have lost 2 World Wars, and will probably start and lose world wars 3, 4, and 5. This is a favorite dinner conversation topic.
  5. The Germans' favorite food is still the wurst; as much as 20 pounds of wurst and beer can be consumed in a single day.
  6. The shortest book ever written happens to be A Thousand Years of German Humor.
  7. German women (slang: Schlampen formal: Fotzen) are beautiful, thin and easy to get in bed...but terrible in bed, heartless, impulsive, easily distracted, critical of themselves, critical of others, distrustful and pessimistic. Every two minutes, they need to put something white, elongated and erect between their lips...because, since the Second World War, German women are addicted to American cigarettes. However, the Germans are too cheap to buy them, and instead drive 50 kms to buy cheap Czech cigarettes, cheap gas and inspect the terrain in order to plan the next war.

See also[edit]