IPod Shuffle

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about IPod Shuffle.

“I remember, Steve Jobs gave me some of these to chew on after I...”
~ Oscar Wilde on the iPod Shuffle

“I Love to chew on an iPod shuffle after french kissing my...dog.”

~ Bill Gates on iPod Shuffle

iPod Retardo (January 1st, 42 - February 30th, 8002) is a famous war hero. Most people know that he has served in That War and That Other War, and everybody knows that he has served in The War. He has many friends in high places, including, but not limited to Jesus, Adlai Stevenson, Maddox, Terri Schiavo, Dumbledore, You, and Somebody else.


iPod Shuffle is a device created by Scientologists. It is created brilliantly so that you can't tell what the hell you're playing. It is called the shuffle because of the fact it plays poker every night with Bill Gates, where it can shuffle the cards better then anyone. Oscar Wilde is the only person that can tell what the hell is next on his playlist. If you purchase one of these devices, you may be a chronic retard.

Don't Do It[edit]

Do Not Eat iPod Shuffle.png

I'm glad we got that squared away.

Earliest Life[edit]

Shuffle was born on January 1, 42 in his uncle's garage, which has caused some people to argue that he is a robot. However, as You know, he is totally 100% humanoid. His parents were totally stoned at the time, so they had no idea what to name him. In a dream, both Stalin and Santa told them to name their child "i" and "Pod", repsectively. Deciding to use both names, the Shuffle family decided to name their child iPod, rather than Podi since it rhymes with "potty". His uncle then castrated him so he wouldn't have children of his own and name them weird things. His uncle then killed both his parents, but because his mother was protecting him with a stoner's love, nothing stopped the uncle from killing them. His uncle then raised him to become a great mechanic but, sadly, iPod sucked with using tools so his uncle kicked him out at the age of 2.

Earlier Life[edit]

At the age of 2, iPod was alone in the woods and raised by bees. This gave him incredible speed and a huge craving for honey, that is so huge that he often suffered from a man named "Steven Withdrawings" attacking him constantly and AIDS.

Early Life[edit]

At the age of 3, iPod was taken in by Steven Withdrawings and raised as a capitalist. This mean he talked like this all the time:

Hello, My Name Is IPod, Will You Be My Fwend?

This screwed over the pronunciation of his name, so his parents possessed him and blanked out the years of his life from the ages 3 to 12, which he would not remember for 200 years, therefore fogetting who Steve Withdrawings was.

Still Early Life[edit]

At the age of 12, iPod got tired of starting sections like this, so he decided to get a house in Brazil. There he learned about Hitler, Lord of lords and King of kings. What he didn't realize was that all he 'learned' were sarcastic remarks from people who were talking about Hitler.

More Early Life[edit]

Going straight to the capital of Germany (which was called "in German so we can't say it" at the time), iPod met Hitler. Hitler raised him as a son, and made him meet tons of celeberties. This is why he knows so many people. Hitler also sent him to war at the age of 20, in which Hilter kicked him out of his house with the remark "FUCKING FREELOADER, GO TO WAR AND DON'T COME BACK UNTIL YOU HELP ME RULE THE WORLD." This took some time, and as you will learn, something happened somewhere in history that we're not concerned about one bit in this article.


At the age of 212, iPod met the wizard Shazam (not to be confused with the lizard Shazam). Actually, he didn't meet him, he just set his crops on fire and Shazam ran out and cast a spell on him removing half his legs. With half his legs gone, iPod rememberd Steve Withdrawings. When going to find Steve Withdrawings, iPod learned that Steve Withdrawings was never real, and was only created by his own imagination. iPod was sent to a mental institution, where he learned telekenisis and stugolapolisemotoernism. This allowed him to fly, so he didn't need the halfs of his legs that were gone.

That War[edit]

In That War (April 1st, 1000 - March 14th, 1592), iPod totally blew up 424 buildings and 242 ships. Because those two added up to 666, he was known as "That War Satan" up until the next war, That Other War. iPod was also taken back in by Hitler, because by winning That War, nothing, but Hitler needed someone to cheat so he could beat Satan at cards.

That Other War[edit]

That Other War (Wednesday 22nd, 2337) was a great battle of wits and challenges. It was really mostly a poker game between Hitler and Satan, in which, if Satan won, he got Hitler's soul and $20, and if Hitler won, he got the entire world to control and also would control Hell, and Satan would be forced to give Hitler all his powers. iPod sat behind Satan and used his telekenetics and h4x powers to tell Hitler what Satan was going to do. Satan never found out that this was happening, because he gave up his powers as soon as Hitler won. This time around he was given the nickname "iHelpedHitler".

The War[edit]

The War (Gaypril 32nd, 3333 - Smarch 100th, 3344)was a war between the people and Hitler. Hitler was the only one fighting on his side, because he pissed everyone off, including iPod, so nobody was his friend anymore. Something happened, and even more stuff happened, resulting in iPod becoming a big war hero or something. People then told him "You're Winnar!", so he assumed that meant his new nickname was "Winnar". The War was also called "The war of the 100 days of Smarch", "The Eleven Years War", and "Susan".


After the Civil War, the south was pretty fucked up. So the north decided to fix them dinner, which consisted of iPod Shuffle's long lost twin brother, iPod Souffle.

After The War[edit]

Before the next war, iPod realized he was immortal and could never die. He's already lived for over 3000 years for crying out loud, and he doesn't realize he can't die until now? JESUS CHRIST. Anyway, blah blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda, I know kung-fu, he's a nice guy and sings about stuff sometimes, but his voice is the total suck bomb, and stuff.


With the prior retardedness aside, the iPod Suffle utilizes the cutting edge "Wait-a-minute,-if-its-so-sophisticated-why-can't-I-even-choose-a-fucking-song-to-play...-oh-I-get-it-it-shuffles-the-music-for-you...-how-much-did-you-pay-for-that-piece-of-shit-again?" technology. This new, and largly untested technology has been tied to small outbreaks of Bubonic Plague, in which the victim becomes little more than a dark, bumpy, convulsing silhouette.

On a similar note, the Nike corporation is claiming that desperation and sagging sales of the iPOD Shufle have potentially caused a conflict of trademark, the latest selling tactic "Just Buy It" seems a tad too close to the "Just Do it" Nike campaign.

You're Cheap, say "%"[edit]

If you've bought an iPod Shuffle chances are you're cheap as hell. You've probably drawn up this conclusion in your mind: "Why would I need all those songs anyways?" Pat yourself on the shoulder iPod Shuffle owners, you've just saved your self two weeks worth of groceries!



A digidestined dipped their ipod shuffle in the dark ocean and it morphed into a v2, aka IPod Shuffle V2. The so called "IPod Shuffle V2" is also known as the "IButt" or "AssPod" because it is merely the ass of an IPod. It is intended for only iPoor people who can't afford non-shitty IPods... (i.e. I have one)


Fun-Times Shuffle reinvented itself and now has deck-of-cards tattoo on one side and holographic Apple employee face on the other. It can be bought and sold, passed around and anyone's for a price. The Have-No-Jobs will be the high ranked Fun-Times Shuffle but true die-hard supporters will be hanging with the Trance-Wozniac variety.

Because of the random nature of Shuffle's thoughts, it hangs with people suffering from attention deficit disorder, pot addiction and dimentia.

Mother Earth[edit]

Green Shuffle is a genetically engineered mutant clone made from Shuffle shavings which were accidentally bombarded with key-note speeches and product launches. Its molecular and PVC structure were altered into biodegradeable compounds. The green appearance turned out to be photosensitive and when exposed to daylight the Shuffle becomes the life of the party. Unfortunately for Shuffle, parties are seldom held at noon unless they started the night before, in which case everyone is already wasted by noon. This lead to Shuffle becoming sought after as a possible replacement for psychotropic substances. Shuffle shunned the spotlight and retreated into a safe-haven 140 miles North East of Los Angeles, where it plans to live a peaceful communal life with a music guru.

Shuffle plans to do a best of Sitar remix featuring Ravi Shankar and 6 of the 30 illegitimate children spawned by the Beatles between May of 1966 and June of 1967.

Secret Messages[edit]

iPOD ..... dopi ... dopey Apple .... original sin, cast from the Garden of Eden