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The IRA Illiterate rag-tag-rebellious arse-bandits were a gang of Drag queens, anorexics and suicide bomber fairies who had no sense of direction and wanted to strong arm the British into changing the name of their country through a century long campaign of smearing shite on walls, never washing, throwing fireworks at police and posing for press photos with pellet guns.


The IRA was founded in the early 1900s in Dublin by a few tramps who's favorite pastimes were engaging in buggery with the boys of the old brigade, sucking Guinness out of pub carpets and singing rebel songs as well as they could with whatever teeth they had left. A British soldier caught them having what can only be described as a bum fun bonanza in the confined space of a post box one evening and upon trying to split them up and send them on they killed him in order to carry on their twisted ordeal. The young private's body was never found. They used his rifle to rob the GPO (General Post Office) as they had misread it as Guinness Port Offies (off licence) They were illiterate after all. Upon finding there was no Guinness within the building they made their demands to the Brits that they wanted barrels of the black stuff or they weren't for leaving, instead of giving in to pishy old tramps demands they shot them dead and the paddies made martyrs of them.

Then around 50 years later a group of tramps not unlike the first decided to revive the old moniker and engaged in a campaign of lighting post boxes on fire, stealing cars and blowing chunks out of themselves with bangers.


The IRA wanted the Brits out for reasons they weren't quite sure of themselves, some think it's because "Ireland" instead of "Northern Ireland" is one less word they would have to learn to spell. They wanted everyone to stop speaking English and instead speak Guinness Irish, which is a dialect of English you speak naturally after 20 pints of Guinness. This is sometimes called Gaelic but you'd need around 30 pints to mispronounce it like that. They wanted the country to be entirely Catholic as they were alright with continuing the age old Celtic tradition of having bum boys at their disposal.


To join the IRA you had to have at least 5 teeth missing, talk like a poof, be a commie and provide your own pair of aviators. If you were over 8 stone and 5 foot 6 you were an IRA man, if you were below 5'6 and 8 stone you were an IRA woman and wore a skirt with your jumper instead of trousers. The IRA "women" were expected to provide all the services you would expect a girlfriend or wife to do, they cooked for them and shared their bed with the men.

Runny Poo Campaign[edit]

In 1981 the IRA members in long kesh devised a devious scheme to poison the prison workers and loyalists, some of their men had jobs in the kitchen and they poured ludicrous amounts of laxatives into what they thought was the staff and loyalist meals, only it turned out to be their own

This resulted in a 70 day relentless torrent of liquid shit flying out of the republicans arses, they couldn't keep any fluids down them and couldn't keep food down either. It was fucking rank. The walls which were once white were caked about 2 inches deep in brown shit by the time the last republican who had eaten the dodgy batch dried up like a prune and kicked the bucket.

Punishment Beatings[edit]

If you were caught being in the Colour party with a fake pair of ray ban aviators you were punished by getting your kneecaps blown out by a 2x4 with nails in it.


  • Gerry Adams-Has since learned to read and denies all involvement with the IRA, spends his days talking shite and harbouring his pedo brother.
  • Martin "Machine Gun Marty" Mcguinness - Mcguinness was a crack shot with his trusty slingshot and is even said to have gave a few patrolling british soldiers a nasty bruise
  • Bobby Sands - Bobby was one of the IRA "women" and as such had to keep his hair long and when he went into the jail he refused to wear a uniform as the uniforms were too boy-ish and he wanted to wear his skirt and brassiere. he then caught a dodgy dose of poisoned dinner and was one of the last to wither up on the vine
  • Thomas Begley - Lived in a flat over a shankill bar, one night he left the gas on and lit a cigarette and blew himself back to Ireland


  • Did you know? Republicans achieve their signature duck step march by putting a vibrator up their arses
  • Did you know? Bobby sands won the 1981 slimmer of the year competition?
  • Did you know? The IRA read vogue for their fashion advice, black berets and aviators was top in parisian fashion.
  • Before Nigerian scammers there was IRA scammers, who conned thousands of Americans into sending them money through NORAID