ISKCON

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An Iskcon leader demonstrating the 4 ISKCON values: 1) Be humble, 2) Be patient, 3) Desire NO respect, and 4) Show all respect to others.
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ISKCON is a brand of Hindu dogma primarily imposed on renegade Jews in America during the 1960s counter-kosher revolution. The sect boasts epistemological roots with stretch-marks all the way to India - a hectic land of super-bugs, dysentery, religious riots, snake charmers, haggling, corruption, sleeping on nails, and even a guy who can climb up a rope tied to the air. Iskcon's stoic Western votaries are seen to awkwardly imitate 14th century Bengali villagers transposed into modern day as they boldly proclaim singular devotion to the supreme being by creating an organized public disturbance. In spite of not being THE Illuminati, Iskcon are the self-chosen ones who are ultimately destined to rule the human race. To advance their globalist agenda Iskcon followers employ specialized methods to separate non-Iskcon people ("the demons") from their money, which rightfully belongs to the Federal Reserve, who created money from thin air ostensibly for the benefit of Iskcon, not the global elite. Money-collecting schemes include public book distribution and extracting "sin taxes" from guilt-ridden East-Indians who are wallowing in the West. Iskcon accumulates loot for their leadership, viz., the Governing Booty Commission (GBC), to continue their new Old World Order and attract more young acolytes to replace older, disgruntled ones.

The three goals of Iskcon[edit]

  • ISKCON’s stated goals are three-fold:
  1. Building the world's largest temple as proof of ultimate spiritual superiority;
  2. Defeating its Indian mother faith, the Gaudiya Math, in a one-sided race to material superiority;
  3. Creating a old New World Order with themselves in charge ultimately leading to a well-deserved superiority complex.

History of Iskcon[edit]

Old New Lord Harold XI

ISKCON (pro. iskcon) was originally founded over 3000 BC by God. Not Allah! Not Jesus! Not the Void! Not Moses! And not Eric Clapton. This was way before them. 5000 years ago God was Lord Harold the 8th. Around the turn of the Yuga Lord Harold got a tad bored and decided to create a little ISKCON in the material world, just for a laugh.

It took Him a long-time to get it registered in the material world. In fact, it took 5000 years to get Iskcon together. Not until the 20th Century did Lord Harold appear in America and set up Iskcon. The cult grew very quickly in the "Swinging Sixties", because lots of displaced Jews, surfers, pot-heads, junkies, shell-shocked Vietnam vets, sex-fiends, tri-sexuals, bi-sexuals, i-sexuals, pedophiles, musicians, crooks, dope-dealers, murderers, hippies, taxi-drivers, egomaniacs, no-egomaniacs, masochists, sadists, and Peace Corp members joined, and the enterprise just grew and grew, until it covered every corner of the globe, from Baltimore to Cocomo.

For over ten years Lord Harold was spreading Iskcon by taking airplanes around-and-around the world - in spite of the fact - being all-powerful - He could avoid traveling by simply manifesting Himself where-ever He wished to appear. Then, in 1977, after circling the globe 80 times, Lord Harold disappeared at the hands of His own beloved followers, although this allegation is vehemently denied[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]. After He disappeared, all His approximately 5000 initiated followers started to quarrel over who would be the new Lord Harold, and this continues unabated for eternity, or until Lord Harold gets tired of it, which ever comes first.

Philosophy of Iskcon[edit]

The Philosophy of Iskcon is quite simply, "unthinkable simultaneous difference and non-difference between everything and nothing so that the only plausible conclusion is Lord Harold VIII, and, by extension, Iskcon". Below, this simple philosophy is nicely explained to a 3rd grade school class in New Mexico...

Class: "Crash! Pow! Ratatatat! Hey! #@%&(*$!!!"

Teacher: "OK class lets all quiet down, because I'm going to let you in on an ancient Hindu secret."

Class: "Crash! Pow! Ratatatat! Hey! #@%&(*$!!!"

Teacher: "Good! Now pay careful attention to this Iskcon philosophy which holds that every living and non-living thing and every non-thing is related and simultaneously unrelated to everything and any-non-thing always and never - and this philosophy has been declared as unthinkable by it's creators, which comes in handy when it's time to make sense, because every scientist and theologician can easily understand 'unthinkable'. Now! Did you ALL understand that?"

Class: "Crash! Pow! Ratatatat! Hey! #@%&(*$!!!"

Four values of Iskcon[edit]

Iskcon devotees chant the mega-mantra while proving that harps are from heaven while accordions are from hell.
  1. More humble than pie.
  2. More patient than Sloth.
  3. Loath one's self.
  4. Adore all others.

Four rules of Iskcon[edit]

To become a member of Iskcon you MUST follow 4 rules:

  1. Thou shalt not eat (NO food).
  2. Thou shalt not drink (NO water).
  3. Thou shalt not shag (NO kids).
  4. Thou shalt not bet (NO chance).

Iskcon Membership[edit]

How to join Iskcon[edit]

Just look up your nearest Iskcon temple, go over there, surrender, give them ALL your money, promise to follow 4 rules and chant the name of Lord Harold eternally. After that, prove your commitment by disowning your family, who are all demons. Then shut up and do what you’re told, from mopping the floor to putting-out. Keep this up between eternity and you may be qualified to join the GBC – provided you haven’t broken even one of the rules. The stated goal of Iskcon is their own version of NWO - The planet to become the United States of Iskcon (USI).

Iskcon Member Activities[edit]

Apart from holding three parties a day with no sex, drugs, or rock-'n-roll, Iskcon members generally live the following life style:

  • Strictly avoid any non-Iskcon persons (the demons).
  • Dress and live 14th Century Bengali style.
  • Create organized public disturbances.
  • Argue - party, argue - party, argue - party (repeat daily).
  • Preach to demons like their parents.
  • Sing Lord Harold carols.
  • Sell Iskcon books to non-Iskcon people.
  • Build the biggest temple in the Universe.

Iskcon GBC[edit]

The “Governing Booty Commission” controls ISKCON. The GBC is made up of 30 mini-magnets who know they’re superior to everyone else, in spite of their knowing next to nothing besides that eternal fact. They meet once a year near Heavenly Calcutta and perform the following activities:

GBC Activities[edit]

  • Play musical chairs.
  • Pass Laws on Philosophy, such as what is the "basis for the basis", what is the "Origin of the Origin" and "How eternal is eternal?"
  • Dispute disputed disputes.
  • Up-date the “Black List.”
  • Down-date the "White List."
  • Count all the Booty.
  • Plan how to take over the Solar System.
  • Decide on who else gets to play Lord Harold.
Iskcon GBC meeting in heaven©

How to Become an Iskcon GBC[edit]

Note: Becoming elected to the Governing Booty Commission is like getting a Feature Article on Uncyclopedia (it takes forever and only lasts one day), but with the GBC as the VFH. Only the GBC gets to be Lord Harold VIII, ever!

Iskcon Scriptures[edit]

Although Iskcon fanatics occasionally read their own books, they mostly study The Iskcon Scriptures, which, combined, constitute the sum of substance. Though numerous, the following are primary:

  • Winning Through Intimidation by Robert J. Ringer
  • Lonely Planet Guide to India by Lonely Planet
  • Translation of Mein Kampf into Sanskrit by Adolf Hitler
  • The Hip-opanishad: "Song of God" by Lord Harold VIII
  • Posthumous Auto-biography of a Yogi by Yogi Berra
  • Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill
  • Hindu Jihad by Subhas Chandra Bose
  • Violence We Can Believe In by Mahatma Gandhi
  • Turn Your Religion Into A Tax Haven by Rev. Jesse Jackson

And many others far too numerous to list. But amongst them all is The Song Of God.

Iskcon Splinter Cults[edit]

Over the years, the fanatics who joined Lord Harold have split into many separate opposing factions and they all cite Him in support of their different viewpoints. However, the official position of the GBC is that Lord Harold has already uttered every possible combination of English words; there is nothing He didn't say. So they are all operating with His endorsement.

Iskcon Math v/s Gaudiya Math[edit]

Iskcon is also a type of Mathematics (ISKCON MATH) that postulates that however many times you add nine to nine it still eternally comes to 1. The Gaudiya system of Mathematics (GAUDIYA MATH) is a simpler form of numerology which postulates that however many times you add nine to nine it still comes to 9. These two conflicting/similar forms of Math are only enemies because Lord Harold VIII said so / didn't say so. But according to GBC resolution number 938,577-bs the real answer IS however many times you add nine to nine it still comes to 30 GBC.

Yo Mama Organization[edit]