I Can't Believe It's Not Metal

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“Just one calorie, not metal enough!”

~ Dr. Evil on I Can't Believe It's Not Metal

I Can't Believe It's Not Metal is a low-calorie Metal Substitute, otherwise known as aluminium, Diet Metal, Metal Lite and Plastic. It is not popular as everyone loves sugar and fattening things, and "I Can't Believe It's Not Metal" is just not as sweet as heavy metal. It is usually only used by metalheads who are on a diet or non-metalheads getting weaned onto stronger metal because in most countries metal is considered too strong a drug for children or teenagers to listen to.

Information on Metal Substitutes in General[edit]

Metal Substitutes such as I Can't Believe It's Not Metal and Utterly Mettaly are artificially created non-metallic products. They are made with those funny knobs and those buttons in recording studios that allow metal products to sound even more metal-ish. They require the extensive use of the computer and need exactly 400 computer programs in order to allow the song to sound heavy, metallic, or "not some pussy-sounding shit".

The main reason why most people cannot believe that it is metal, is because they have been confused by "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" and are unable to realize what is real. The investigation on what is in the butter flavored substitute is underway, but many believe that it, like most fake things, is made in China and is constructed from emo wannabes.

Metal Substitutes are all highly radioactive (as in, they are always there playing on the radio) and can easily make one crazy, which is why they reached their peak popularity in the late 1990s and early 2000s, because at that time nothing was fun.

Origin of I Can't Believe It's Not Metal[edit]

One day God lost a singing contest to a Metallica fan and decided to punish the entire metal community with a race of groups that would eventually allow Jonathan Davis to get laid. Thus, I Can't Believe It's Not Metal was born. Of course, God says that He did this because people's ears were becoming swollen, and blocked. This meant that no one understood anything God said (but that's typical).

Chemical Properties[edit]

I Can't Believe It's Not Metal is not metal, in fact, it is so not metal that it displays some properties of the subgroup of non metals known as music. Its chemical properties are similar to metal in an impure form i.e. mixed with other elements. I Can't Believe It's Not Metal is not to be confused with Metal Metal (Metallus Metallus in latin), which has a high density, is hard and becomes dull over time, all of these being properties of metal.


I Can't Believe It's Not Metal can be found in your local supermarkets such as Wal Mart, Tesco and Hot Topic. It can be found right next to real metal, Cream and hard cheese like Bon Jovi.

Health Warning[edit]

Studies show that listening to metal substitutes such as I Can't Believe It's Not Metal increases the listener's chances of developing premature mental retardation by 500% in comparison to the control group who were forced to endure seven days of radioactive-ness from 75 150 Watt Marshall Amps, 200 shiny red buttons, and chopsticks hitting dustbins.


For the full list see Users of I Can't Believe It's Not Metal

The following bands use I Can't Believe It's Not Metal: Slipknot, KMK, Limp bizcuit, New Korn, Linkin Park, and Evanescence.


Bands which derive influence, or were definite influences of I Can't Believe It's Not Metal include Lil Jon and Duran Duran. This contrasts sharply with metal metal which has Britney Spears and Necro as influences.

Dress Code[edit]

It is not uncommon for male users of I Can't Believe It's Not Metal to have female names, features or tendencies, such as the need to wear make-up and pink bracelets. Take, for example, Marilyn Manson and his/her entire band, Lynn Strait and the French band Aqme's guitarist, Ima Pozeur, who is a transvestite.


Mostly angsty teenagers, and dieters who'll do anything from eating I Can't Believe It's Not Metal to eating celery for breakfast to barfing up their liver to lose weight.

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