I am really cool

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“Hell yeah.”

I am so cool is an English phrase that any sensible person should think about themselves and repeat regularly -- whether at funerals, weddings, criminal trials, or especially during sanity evaluations.

The phrase "I am really cool" or "I am so cool" derives from an Ancient Indo-European language. Linguistic scholars and other phrenologists and philologists all agree that "YamSuKrull" was the name of an ancient chief of an Indo-European tribe who managed to defeat armies with his sheer power of self-congratulatory excessive self-promotion. It is likely that this name evolved into the modern phrase as people tried to imitate that characteristic of "YamSuKrull" that they admired so.

"I am so cool" in Religion[edit]

"I am so cool" is a belief that is strictly prohibited in all Judeo-Christian-Islamic religions. In these faiths, "I am so cool" was soundly replaced with "I am so pitiful and need of redemption, I am so incredibly terrible, please some imaginary deity please redeem me" -- also known as the idea of Original sin or "I am not worthy" or something else of that kind.

In a distaff version of the Hare Krishna religion, their normal mantra has been modified to the chant:

I am so cool I am so cool

I am so cool I am so cool

I am so cool I am so cool

I am so cool I am so cool

It is believed that repeating the above phrase will result in not only the announcer of the phrase becoming incredibly cool but also turning the surrounding people into 3-legged gypsies. It is important to note that this version of the religion is significantly less successful than its Hare Krishna relative because this mantra is horribly monotonous (while the Hare Krishna mantra is merely miserably monotonous).

The Church of the Subgenius tried to patent the phrase "I am so cool" but found that Microsoft had already patented the idea (along with the ideas of defecation, breathing, hatred, love, one, zero, and "drinking water for survival").

Motivational speakers[edit]

A tape recorder containing a recording of the phrase "I am so cool" has actually become the United States' preeminent self-help and motivational speaker. The tape recorder's book, titled "I am so cool" has been on the New York Times' non-fiction bestseller list for half a decade as of this writing. (The book declined after the cult of distaff Hare Krishnas sued for copyright infringment, claiming the text of the book was merely a repetition of their religious chant (see above). The case was thrown out of court by the judge who merely issued the four word ruling: "I'm hungry. Case Dismissed.")

The tape recorder, given the hip name "The ISC" regularly sells out stadiums like the Madison Square Garden and the Enormodome in New Jersey. The repetition of the phrase "I am so cool" by the participants of these enormous meetings has caused earthquakes, bridge collapses, and deafness due to the phenomenon of resonance.

Scholars have observed that "The ISC" has revolutionized the self-help industry by reducing all of the existing material in the field down to its kernel, making his message really efficient and easy for a substantially illiterate population to digest.

Canon "I am so cool" vs non-canon "I am so cool"[edit]

In "I am so cool" episode s9b14, the character Balthus states the famous line "Do not touch my incontinence ray!" whereupon the Tribble fires said ray (with hilarious results). This scenario is considered canon, while the novelization of this episode has the tribble saying "Vote Bush or wear diapers" -- clearly a ridiculous scenario, as Tribbles have no language facility and Bush had already been elected by that point. (This is probably because the novelization was written by Orson Scott Card -- who is a total nutbar.)

In "I am so cool" episode s5b11, GiGiTor the magnifluicitous realizes that Argitor the flandiferous is actually his father, a fact revealed in the spin-off comic series "I am so cool: 1941" which fleshes out the mythos of the series around the WWII era. After discovering his patrimony, GiGiTor tears the flame gem out of Argitor's chest -- a clear inconsistency, because Argitor had thrown the flame gem into deep space in episode s3b15. Argitor dies because he no longer has the gem to sustain his power, but is later revived during episode 5 of the "I am so cool: special victims unit" made-for TV movie series. Argitor's revival has been controversial among fans and social conservatives, because Argitor's revival would naturally involve a scene of graphic sex between elderly people. (Most people just advocated "shut[ting] your eyes" -- a phrase that appears on T-shirts at "I am so cool" fan conventions, resulting in great hilarity. To this day, when fans see something they would rather not have, they will joyously say "Just shut your eyes" -- also resulting in great hilarity.)

Fans of "I am so cool" were scandalized when Argitor replaced TaxBrain as the head of the QueerScoutSupertrons, as Argitor was always the enemy of the Scouts. (TaxBrain wanted to live with his imaginary girlfriend Sh'a'hees'a'taro'n in the Kingdom of Orditron -- better known as Montana.) ShortyShorts left the Supertrons for a time because he was disturbed over the idea of Argitor -- the man who had used his superpowers to make his ShortShorts into LongLongShorts -- coming to be his commander. But after ShortyShorts finished his psychedelic 10-issue miniseries, he mysteriously rejoined the Scouts as they fought supervillias during the "Nokia Affair" series.

"I am so cool [the show]" is the inspiration of the linux distribution ISCLinux, better known as I amSoCoOlLinux (there is controversy over the right way to capitalize this -- to date there are over 2046 variations in use). The creator of this linux distribution Luie Luie is a huge fan of "I am so cool", stating that "It is a touchy show... yeah. It is a show so touchy you can taste it! Yeah! Touch it!"

"I am so cool" has inspired huge quantities of fan fiction, almost all of it hideously pornographic. It is theorized that much of this fan fiction is created by taking a simple regular expression "search and replace" function and applying it to the worst StarTrek fan fiction. Henry Jenkins might find it interesting that most of these engines change the character Deanna Troi into "ISC" character Fluffy Horsenschmidt. Jenkins is the exception; most everyone else turns their head away in shame at discovering the atrocious fan fiction, whereupon they clear the history in their browser, reformat their hard drive, and start some hard drinking in hopes that the memory will be forgotten... mercifully forgotten.

The MIT AI Lab has created a robot that writes "I am so cool" episodes. It is the first machine ever to pass the Turing Test, since even seasoned fans cannot differentiate a script written by the robot from one written by actual staff writers. It is worth noting that this robot is also completely constructed out of pinball relays and broken vacuum tubes. All experts and fans agree that this is indeed a reflection of the series' quality.

Template:Rewrite/Soft I am student number 5008582. My death will bring no sorrow, my failure no pity; for I have given unto them my soul, and that is all the beast desired.