Iain Dowie

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Me, gay?! Never love....

Iain Dowie was born on 15th July 1502, and somehow became frozen in a block of ice, only to be thawed out in 1965. Iain was given an extra "I" in his name by his father Quasimodo Dowie, to compensate for his face.

Playing Career[edit]

Iain originally considered a career in organ donation, however he decided to take up football, after managing to play keepy-uppy with a spleen. The spleen belonged to an orphan.

Dowie liked to think he was a striker, although his goal tally contradicts this belief. He had a long career, and played for various top-flight clubs, such as West Ham United, Queen's Park Rangers and Southampton, despite having the footballing ability of a stoned goldfish. He averaged around 2 goals a season with each club.

Dowie claims to be Northern Irish, despite never having visited the country until "playing" for them. He also stated that the sectarian violence in Northern Ireland didn't put him off representing them, and said "Well, it's all the Catholics fault, really."

He was once mistaken for Jose Mourinho's terrorising dog, and subsequently charged with affray. He now has to live in a cardboard dungeon in Simon Jordan's 2871712-room mansion.


Dowie, with a red halo.

Dowie seemed determined to take his headless-chicken approach into management. He soon left Oldham Athletic in the lurch after failing to win in the playoffs, and then won promotion to the Premiership with Crystal Palace. On his success, Dowie said "I owe it all to Allah".

Dowie's management style seemed to work wonders, and despite being relegated with Crystal Palace, even with Andy "better than anything Millwall ever produced" Johnson in their team, he got the job at Charlton.

Things went wrong for Dowie at Charlton. After spending an amount of money believed to be the equivalent of the GDP of Eritrea on average players, Iain guided Charlton to the relegation places in the Premiership. The Charlton players found adapting to Dowie's style of management difficult, after being used to Alan Curbishley's "cock-sucking" management system, and he was promptly sacked after a few months. Many Charlton faithful hate him for this and given the oppurtunity, would love to fart in his face.


Dowie made up a word in a post-match interview, which nobody would've have cared about if the ameobas at Soccer AM hadn't made such a fuss. Suddenly a campaign was started to get "Bouncebackability" into the English dictionary, despite the fact that nobody would ever use it again, except when mocking Iain Dowie.

He always said an ass sucker would write a 'humourous article' about him, but he expected it to be funny.


Because of its shape, Iains head is often mistaken for a penis. This was discovered when his wife ran on the pitch after a game and attempted to suck it.