Iain and Duncan Smith

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Rt. Hon. Iain Smith (Duncan Smith not pictured)

Iain and "Hunkin'" Duncan Smith are British politicians. In 2001 they became the first identical twins to lead the Conservatory Party.

Early Life[edit]

Iain and Duncan Smith were born in Scotland within 20 minutes of each other, Iain being the eldest. They were born to two hookers and an eightball(Disputed). The identity of their father was revealed on public TV in 2004 as Alex Furguson who to this day denies all knowledge.

Rise to political Prominence[edit]

Iain and Duncan first came into the public eye after their clashes with the European Union. They were deified after an apocolyptic clash at the base of Mount Snowdonia, in which the Smith twins came out ontop with a score of seven sore bottoms to three. After returning triumphantly to whitehall, they were honoured with a place in the shadow cabinet under a fellow member of the "Brotherhood of the Egg", William "Babyface" Hague. When Babyface Hague suffered a shock defeat to Name That Tune, and Give Us A Clue host, Tony Blair's Ultra left-wing Manual Labour Party, the only question was who would fill the vacuum, Iain or Duncan. As tensions rose, the rivalry threatened to split the conservatory party down the middle, and escalate into brutal tabloid punning. The situation was diffused when Iain and Duncan met on neutral ground at the Sacred Church of Thatcher, here, the twins vowed to jointly lead the conservatives, and were inducted as Thatcherist Priests by being submerged in the blood of out of work coal miners.


The twins always excelled at Prime Minister's Question time and regularly had the Prime Minister on the ropes. Their most clever put downs included the time they called the Prime Minister's answers "feeble" - a clever joke that their committee of spin doctors had worked on for weeks. If all else failed the twins resorted to their favourite tatic of laughing relentlessly.


The twins were at the centre of controversy when their academic record came under scrutiny. They had claimed before launching their bid for the co-leadership of the party that they had invented the theory of relativity and had graduated with more degrees than the rest of their University put together. When BBC presenter Jeremy Paxman pointed out the twins had left school at 12 to become human door mats, the twins simply burst out laughing and accused Paxman of being "tall". (It took Paxman along time to recover from this insult and ultimately it forced him to retire.)

Joining the BNP[edit]

Ian and Duncan Smith decided to leave the very evil conservative party and join the Bastard Nazi Party, Nick the Nigger Griffen said this would redefine politics however no one cared. Both Ian and Duncan Smith decided that the British Nazi Party were too racist for their liking and left with a final nazi salute to Nick the Nigger Griffen.

Free Agents[edit]

With no political party to join both Ian and Duncan were free agents, Labour were believed to be the favorites to sign him, however they issued a statement saying Tony B-Liar just didnt appeal to them.

Rejoining the Conservatives[edit]

Duncan suggested to his brother they should rejoin the conservatives and beg forgiveness by licking Margaret Thatcher's gangerine infested feet. The twins both rejoined where they were warmly greeted by David Cameron and George Osbourne, this greeting didnt last and they were back stabbed so bad that they were bleedy profusly.

Fall of Duncan Smith[edit]

Duncan was plagued by illness during his tenure. This left him unable to speak, and horribly disfigured. His miserable performances at PMQs alienated him from Iain, who was an adept public speaker. In a drunken rage, Duncan made the infamous threat to Iain, "Unite or die." Now suffering from Alcohol abuse, Duncan saw his allegiance shift to Charles Kennedy's Lib Dem party. He defected to them, making off with Iain's prized pigeon collection. A few short days later the Lib Dems vanished as a political entity, under a hail of tabloid scandal. Duncan was never seen again.

Fall of Iain Smith[edit]

Iain was always the more capable of the Smith twins. Many thought that the disappearance of Duncan would allow Iain to take the conservatory party into government. Sadly, this was not to be. The theft of his pigeons drove him mad with grief, many senior party aides reported instances of Iain striding down the corridors of the conservatory party headquarters shouting, "Duncan Smith, give me back my pigeons!". Only six months after Duncan's defection, Iain was admitted to Basingstoke mental asylum where, he resides to this day,often posting random rubbish on internet websites such as ChrisMoyles.net

George Smith[edit]

The twins have a younger brother called George - the runt of the Smith litter. He did not become widely-known until the latter stages of the twins co-leadership of the party. His mother, Old Mother Smith the Fourth, later said "he's always been the quiet one".

Duncan Smith Quotes[edit]

  • After you Iain.
  • Thish messhage ish for you Iain: unite or die.
  • Never underestimate the determination of a quiet man! Oh, all, right I'll go.

Iain Smith Quotes[edit]

  • No, after you Duncan.
  • Duncan Smith, give me back my pigeons!
  • "I am as interesting as my collection of Edwardian mousetraps".