Ian Hislop

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“I am Ian Hislop's brother and he often phones me before a show asking me to supply witticisms”

~ Jeffrey Archer on Ian Hislop

“Ohhhhhhhh BABY! My heart is full of love and desire for you!”

~ Jimmy Somerville on Ian Hislop
Ian perfoming his 1986 hit single "Don't Leave Me This Way" live in 2007.

Ian Hislop is the accidental product of a series of experiments on sheep cloning in Mumbles, Wales.

Ian allegedly studied at the University of Snobs where he allegedly founded a magazine on farting loudly on busses in order to make people laugh. Ian graduated from the University of Snobs when he was 21 years old and joined Al-Qaeda. He helped run Al-Qaeda training camps in Saudi Arabia and Kuwait.

In 1986 he became editor of Public Nose, another magazine that satirises farting loudly.

Ian Hislop’s alleged career[edit]

In 1983, Hislop co-founded the synth pop group Bronski Beat, which proceeded to have a number of hits in the British charts. He subsequently left Bronski Beat in 1985, and formed The Communards with classically trained pianist Richard Coles, best known for their 1986 hit "Don't Leave Me This Way". The Communards split in 1988, and Hislop launched his solo career.

Ian Hislop is one of two permanent panelists on the political debating show, Have I Got A New Presenter Each Week For You. Ian, along with the other permanent panelist, Paul Merton, organized a coup and successfully deposed of the tyrannical presenter, Angus “Brown Suit” Deayton, whose main job on the show was to tell jokes that were so funny people forgot to laugh. Although Deayton couldn't actually read the autocue very well, from where the jokes were relayed; this was intentional on the part of the show's producers as it allowed all of the panelists' scripted spontaneous jokes to be centered around this as there was bugger all going on in politics to joke about. Except John Prescott's face. He is quite possibly the most intelligent man in Britain.

Hislop also allegedly edits the allegedly satirical newspaper Public Nose and as a result of this is the most sued man in British history. This is because, as a satirical newspaper, Public Nose actually tells the alleged truth, unlike all other newspapers, which only report stories about whales and political correctness gone mad.

Actions carried out by Ian Hislop which have resulted in being sued include being fined £60,000 for insulting the wife of Jack the Ripper and being charged £600,000 for telling the truth about Robert Maxwell stealing £500,000,000 (half a billion pounds) from the Mirror Pension Fund.

After Maxwell left the sinking ship, so to speak, on the 5th November 1991 the truth was revealed, but Ian wasn’t given a penny of his money back, although luckily he did receive the other 59,999,999 pennies. In England people celebrate the death of Robert Maxwell by having a firework display on the 5th November each year.

Hislop was also successfully sued for libel by Sonia Sutcliffe, wife of the Yorkshire Ripper. Afterwards he is quoted as saying "If that was justice then I'm a banana", shortly before a man stood on him and fell over, fuelling suspicion that he is in fact, a banana. According to the laws of Inductive Reasoning this could mean that justice had prevailed.

Ian Hislop's other claim to fame is that he is a member of the underclass human species, which is characterised by a gnome-like appearance and being a shortarse. He was also born in Wales.

Ian Hislop's signature is considered so valuable that a signed photo of him on eBay once received a bid of £1.10, although this was later revealed to be an accident on the part of the bidder.


  • Ian Hislop has once been mistaken for Jeffrey Archer.
  • Ian's head is so shiny that it contains reflections from years ago and it is possible to replay these past events by zooming in far enough.
  • Even Ian Hislop emanated from the genitals. (see Conception and Childbirth). Thus the look.
  • Ian denies he is Welsh, even though he grumbles about the weather and, on occasion, displays only mild to middling racism, increasing later.
  • Ian's hair is now minimal. However, it used to be well done.
  • Ian Hislop was once non-fatally bludgeoned by Jeremy Beadle's gammy hand.
  • Hislop has an extensive collection of nude photographs of Cherie Blair, taken secretly during Tony Blair's second stint as Michael Parkinson.
  • Ian once owned a full crop of hair which later transpired to be Elton John's armpit
  • John Prescott once failed in an attempt to eat Hislop, although he tried his damndest.
  • Ian Hislop has three balls, one of which is reportedly made of purest Kendal Mint Cake.