Ian Paisley

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Dr Paisley in his alternate form, the NO-1000
For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Ian Paisley.

“This is an outrage!!”

~ Ian Paisley on this article

“They tried to make me indulge in Sodomy, but I said No! No! No!

~ Ian Paisley on Amy Winehouse

“No no, no no no no, no no no no no no THERE'S NO BUCKFAST!”

~ Ian Paisley on Amy Winehouse

His Holiness Pope Ian, the Proddy Pope or The Very Reverend Doctor President King Prince Ian Paisley the third of Ulsterdom, known to James Bond as Doctor "Ulster Says" No, the world's largest face is most famous for inventing the word No in 1981 and for being a saucy dancer in the Ricky Martin video Livin' la Vida Loca. Until that time there had not been a negative version of the word Yes. For finding this word, the Queen made him a bishop and gave him a few churches here and there. He further cemented his notoriety by discovering the word NEVER in 1982 (kindly sold to him for two and six by Cecil) and calling the Pope the antichrist (which he is, according to Hitler, Sadam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden and Richard "the last great profit of Darwin" Dawkins) in that same year at the European Union Parliament.

Life so far[edit]

Ian Paisley using the words only he himself could have invented.

“No?.. I mean NO!.”

~ Ian Paisley on Catholics

“Life is an outrage.”

~ Ian Paisley on Catholics

The result of a genetic experiment to resurect the dinosaurs by splicing dino-DNA with the DNA of the rare bigot toad (maximus articulus vulgaris) and adding a potato on top, Ian Paisley was born in the Armagh Planetarium, Northern Ireland, on 2nd February 1769. Interestingly Pope Clement MCXI died the same day, this was probably just a coincidence. The young Ian was rescued from the head of the research team at the planetarium, Gerry Adams, by the Orange Order. Prior to his rescue he had suffered heinous abuses at the hands of Mr. Adams, not least of which included being forced to sing the Soldier Song while having his genitals painted green by an irish setter.

Under the guiding wing of the Orange Order Ian prospered. He was greatly encouraged in his favourite pastime of shouting by his new guardians. He was awarded a PhD in shouting by the university of Ebay in 1901. Paisley has also got on honorary degree from the University of Wikipedia for his works in the prevention of discrimination against bullshiters, especially amongst the inbred Protestants in the North.

In the year of our 'Lord' Ninteen-Hundred and Fifty Six, Ian coded the Free Presbyterian Church, a total conversion of the Presbyterian Church, a popular first person shooter, which would cost up to £15 a month (£12 by Direct Debit) over Valve's 'Steam'.

Though he has never been a full member of the Orange Order he does often join them for a march on the 12th of July, if they didn't let him he would use his superdooperuberSHOUT, resulting in the end of civilisation.

Ian Paisley is also the commander-in-chief of the Deeply Upset Protestant party (DUP). This is currently the largest party in Northern Ireland, when someone finds the jump-leads and gets Stormont working again Ian Paisley will automatically become God of Ulster.

Paisley famously introduced the 'Red Hand Calendar' in 1976, shortly after an operation to have his bowel directly connected to his voicebox, in which NOvember ran for 12 months. This proved popular even in traditionally Catholic parts of the province, who according to the Ballymena Express "don't have time for that datekeeping nonsense anyway so we don't".



Recently, Ian was brought to court by his daughter. She claimed she had been mistreated by her father by being born as his daughter. When questioned on the matter, she replied "No! No! No! No!....". She later explained that she finds it hard to communicate with the incredible desire to say the word 'No' every 37 seconds.

Rumor has it that after becoming first minister of Northern Ireland, Ian plans to run as an independent candidate for the next opening for the position of King of MYSTERY, BABYLON THE GREAT, THE OF MOTHER OF HARLOTS AND ABOMINATIONS OF THE EARTH.

It was also announced in 2007 that Paisley would be working with controversial Irish lesbian activist and one-time Ballyfuck regional yodelling champion Shin Fayne. an album is expected sometime in May, despite rumours of an artistic rift between the two over a recent cover of Collusion.

He chose not to speak Irish because Irish has no word for "no".

If the word No were to be removed from the English language, he has stated that he would kill himself, but unfortunately I cant find Webster's dictionary in the phonebook

Paisley Steps Down[edit]

On the 5th March 2007 Paisley announced he was stepping down as leader of the DUP. Many believe that this is the result of blackmail. It is rumoured that during a visit to Stormont Martin McGuinness walked into the men's bathroom to find Paisley Sodomizing his son while yelling "Yes! Yes! Yes! Always!". When Paisley saw McGuinness he hastily pulled up his stockings and ran out the door screaming "No! No! No! Never!".

Later, the PSNI received a 999 emergency call of strange noises coming from the Paisley Residence. It has since been reported that it was Paisley's sense of self worth and dignity running out and knocking over furniture on the way.

Speculations are forming the Peter Robinson will be replacing Paisley as the head of the DUP. Many expect the DUP to be transformed totally "...in order to cope with the rising homosexual needs of our members". No-one knows what these are as of yet but McDonald Strap-On Company have received an order for 7000 of their dearest strap-ons. Whether these are two be used for sodomy or beating McGuinness and the rest of the Taig Brigade is yet to be seen.

Paisley is now thought likely to pursue a career in children's television for which a large commode has been ordered since he has been incontinent on five continents.

Musical Career[edit]

In musical circles, Paisley is best known for the 90's dance hit No Limits which was later covered by 2Unlimited. Paisley penned the famous chorus No no! No no no no! No no no no!. However, the verse Techno Techno Techno was written by deputy first minister and husband Martin McGuinness. Music experts claim, however, that McGuinness' original lyrics were Tec-9 Tec-9 Tec-9.

Paisley also recorded a charity single for the UDA, a cover of YMCA by the Village People. The main lyric It's fun to fuck with the gay U-D-A became a popular slogan and replaced the Loyalist phrase Quis Separabit for a short period.

  1. : # :

As you can see in the video above, big Ian has also turned his hand to rapping this was evident when he did a duo with Ja Rule at a concert in Dublin.

January 2010 saw the re-release of Mr Paisley's other long forgotten hit, "Mrs Robinson". Ian was once famously credited for writing this 70's classic in the downstairs bog of Peter Robinson's LA home. When asked by Rolling Stone Magazine as to what the inspiration was behind the world number 1 smash hit, Ian merely replied "NOOOOOOOO comment"

Save Ulster From Sodomy[edit]

The Reverend notices some Sodomy taking place

Ian Paisley famously believes that sodomy is a terrible sin and one whose practitioners have detailed plans to destroy Ulster from within. According to Dr Paisley's bestselling (in Northern Ireland, well, parts of Belfast anyway) hardback book The Sodomite Threat to God's Ulster they will achieve this by greasing-up each others cocks and anuses and "doing what comes unnaturally!" thus bringing down God's wrath and causing Ulster to be wiped off the face of the Earth "just like Sodom and Gomorrah!". This lead to Paisley's forming a political movement - Save Ulster From Sodomy - in order to combat this threat. So far its main broadsides have been Paisley shouting in the street and someone punching Peter Mandelson.

Dr. No Period[edit]

“Goldfinger is an outrage. No.”

~ Ian Paisley on James Bond

During the hight of his reign, Paisley was known as Dr. 'Ulster Says' No. At this time his overexcessive use of the word 'No' had allowed him to master the word, making him the only man in the entire of Northern Ireland allowed to say it. This meant that everyone else were his slaves, constantly having to answer 'Yes' to all of his demands.

His rule of tyranny was cut short though. The Great High Queen Elizabeth II had become concerned about his abuse of power. She could not allow one of her Lords to become mightier than she. She made the difficult, yet necessary decision to send her top agent James Bond 007 out to assassinate the Dark Lord. A bloody battle insued in which the Doctor was cast into the fires of Mount Doom. He would never be the same again.

@Taigs OWT, asay Taigs owt!!!![edit]

In 2005 after the death of the late Pope Sean Paul II, Paisley was put forward as the surprise candidate for the papacy. On his decision to stand in conclave Paisley said "Can I wear the nice white dress and use the cool Jesus Stick".

Unfortunately for Paisley he was barred from running just before conclave took place, as he was discovered sodomising his 40 year son while screaming the words "NO". Responding to comments on this, Paisley said "NO NO NO NOOOO" later throwing in a "NEVER' for good measure.

“The pope is an outrage.”

~ Ian Paisley on Catholicism

However, the candidate later elected - Pope Benedict XVI (the infamous Jew killer and famous Sith Lord) - decided to make Paisley feel better by making him 'Papal Count of Hypo-bigotry'. Paisley holding this position because of his great achievements in the fields of both bigotry and hypocrisy.

Paisley and the pope frequently have brunch together... albeit in secret.

Recently, he wrote the Abandoned Orphan Story.

Olive Oil[edit]

In 1987 the European Parliament were debating the need to reduce agricultural subsidies, just to appease the Yankees in World Trade Organization. Olive oil was being discussed. The northern Europeans wanted to end the subsidies, even though they resented the Yanks. The Southern Europeans wanted to keep the subsidies, even though they wanted to appease the Yanks. Mary Banotti, an Irish MEP made a novel proposal, since olive oil is good for your heart, there should be a heath subsidy rather than an agriculture subsidy. This satisfied most northerners and the southerners were positively ecstatic. However, Mary had opened her speech in the Gaelic language and then continued Italian. Apparently the reverenced doctor was of the opinion that she was speaking in Gaelic, which wasn’t an official language of the EU. He shouted and roared, demanding that she be silenced. He ignored calls to resume his seat and use Headphones. Then he started to walk towards her. Some Spanish and Greek MEPs gallantly but foolishly stood in his path. He cast them aside. It took a small army of cops to restrain big Ian and evict him from the chamber.

“Unsaturated fat is an outrage.”

~ Ian Paisley on Low fat spreads

After than the measure was agreed and adopted. This is why olive oil spreads are so popular in Europe.

As the Pope[edit]

He became the Pope for one week in July 1997 before he remembered the pope was the antichrist and attempted to set fire to himself while in the pope mobile.

“Outrage!... Do you have a light?”

~ Ian Paisley on realising he was the Pope


“These quotes are an outrage.”

~ Ian Paisley on His own words

• No - 1981

• No No Not Ever - 1981

• No No No - 1981

• No No No No - 1982

• No No No No No No No No No...With some Ice - 1982

• Now!!! Surrender to the IRA!!!

• No No No NEVER No No - 1982.5

• No Nay NEVER No Nay Never No More - 1982.8

• No No No No No No - 1984

• No No No No No No No - 1984

• No No No No No No No No - 1984b

• No No No No, Never (well hardly ever) - From the long running 'Ian Paisley the Musical) - 1986

• #### YOU PAPISTS!!!


• Ian Jr. Please stop sodomising the cat. - 1965

• No No No No No No No No No No - 1988

• No No No No No No No No No No No - 1991

• No no no no no no no no no no no yes - 1994


• Save Ulster from sodomy! - 1995

• Ian Jr. please stop sodomising the milkman. - 1993

• No, I do not want a United Ireland - 1922 to present, every day and twice on Tuesdays

• I would rather be British than be fair. - 1999

• Yes, I mean No, No No No No No No No No No No... - 2001-03

• No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No - 2004

• No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No - 2005XP

• I will never sit doyn with the men who sit doyn with the men who sit doyn with the men who sit doyn with the men of voilents. - 2005 (Sorry Steve Bell, It was just too funny to pass up)

• No to a United Dairies - 2005.5

• Catholic homes caught fire because they were loaded with petrol bombs; Catholic churches were attacked and burned because they were arsenals and priests handed out sub-machine guns to parishioners. -1968

• They breed like rabbits and multiply like vermin- on catholics 1968

• Ian Jr. please stop sodomising me. - 2004

• I denounce you, Anti-Christ! (regarding the Pope of the Popish Church, who also happens to be the Head of the system of potpourri and is said to practice Popecraft) - 1982

• No No No No No - actually, Yes, as long as I can be First Minister - 2005

• I have the loudest voice in Ulster and I defy any Fenian to prove me wrong! - 1986

• No No No No, Never (well hardly ever) - From the long running Ian Paisley the Musical - 1986-2006

• Well, maybe - March 2007

• I only sat doyn because moy arse is sore! - March 2007

• Bend over Gerry! - March 2007

• Yes - May 2007

• Now that Dr. Ian is First Minister, he's going to clear things up so you don't have to wonder anymore. No, No, No, and Yes if I've been drinking - August 2007

• no surrender - yesterday

•A heart attack, you say? Never, Never Never, Never!


  • St Ian also attempted to brainwash the "ravers" of Portrush by forming the group 2-Unlimited and unleashing the no limits album - he was only prevented from total club scene domination by the unlikely (civil) partnership of an off duty Ballymena traffic cop and a pastie bap salesman who rigiourously enforced the 30 mile speed limit on the Coleraine main line by mainly blocking it with chip rappers. (do you want salt on that?) ----
  • He bought a Kia in 2005 and sold it for £20 an hour later (yes, it really was worth £20 after an hour) because they sponsor gay pride parades. He now drives a Vauxhall Vectra GSi V6.
  • He has said no to the following things:
  • His wife
  • MTV
  • Grilling Sausages
  • Ian Paisley Jr.
  • Going to Rehab
  • WWE
  • Paddling the School Canoe
  • Learning for Life and Dole
  • Kias, because they are for "dordy oul poofters"
  • The UUP
  • Martina Purdy
  • The existence of Donegal
  • The death of Michael Jackson
  • Justin Beiber
  • Cliftonville
  • TIMMY!