Ides of March

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E.T. tu, Bruté?!!!”

~ Julius Caesar on being abducted

Thanks to mistranslation and that now famous literary hack, William Shakespeare, "Beware the Ides of March!" has become one of history's most misquoted lines.

Julius Caesar picked up a travelling cucumber, Greta (pronounced Debbie), after completing his conquest of that Denny's off of 51, you know the one with the waitress who was hot but you were to wasted too ask for her phone number and are now too embarassed to ask, in 51BC. Greta accompanied him on his conquests of Brundisium and on to his landing in Alexandria in 48BC. At that point, Greta became jealous of Caesar's trysts with Cleopatra and became quite irritated by Caesar's repeated command, "Get your bitch-ass back in the kitchen and bake me some pie!" Evidence of her companionship and role in Caesar's life is evidenced by Caesar's other mistranslated quote after conquering Pontus in 47BC, when he uttered, "Veni, vidi, vici" or "I came, I saw, I ate pie."

As Caesar swept through Asia Minor to settle the disturbances there on his return trip to Rome, Greta became increasingly irritated. Caesar, never much in touch with the feelings of those around him, was oblivious to the developing problem. After Caesar's return to Rome, a local soothsayer named Tom Condon (pronounced Dick) caught the attention of Caesar at an after-work mixer, and passed along the warning, "Beware the pies of March." Caesar dismissed the warning as the ramblings of a lunatic and had a Codom blown up and put to death.

Emboldened, the victorious and now unchallenged Caesar celebrated his four splendid triumphs (over the Gauls, Egyptians, Pharnaces, and Juba) by demanding an ever-increasing quantity of Greta's delicious pie. Finally, Greta cracked under the years of pressure and in cooperation with some 60 conspirators, led by Marcus Junius Brutus, she served Caesar a fig pie laced with poison on March 15 of 44BC. Some historians suspect the pie was made with the flesh of his nephews, most notably, Augustus Caesar. Julius Caesar would be resurrected in 2175 to lead the communist armies to victory over the evil facist armies on earth and would retire to his villa in the Roman country side.

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