Wheeling Jesuit University/People/Ignatius the Dog

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Ignatius the Dog was the infamous attack dog fielded by none less than Fed Acker Huang during his many campaigns designed to finally unify Wheeling Jesuit University.

Origins[edit]

One artist's depiction of Ignatius the Dog.

None alive can recall the origins of Ignatius the Dog. According to tradition, he was killed in a road accident and buried at the side of National Road by a grieving family. Sadly, the corpse was discovered by one of Fed Acker Huang's court eunuchs. At first, the poor animal was merely freeze-dried and added to Huang's immense collection of freeze-dried corpses.

The tradition continues that eventually Huang took up necromancy as a parlour trick to aid in fund-raising. He succeeded in raising the dog. However, as part of the process he imbued the dog with his considerable interest in the female anatomy. It could not be returned to the family in its current state, so Huang erected a cage for it outside the cafeteria.

A less poetic version states that Huang picked up the dog from the local pound in a gesture to increase his popularity, which was at a considerable ebb. At any rate, the dog appeared in a cage outside the cafeteria.

Humanitarian Service[edit]

An image possibly depicting Ignatius the Dog

The dog Ignatius was famous for his participation on many of Fed Acker Huang's great penetrations into Kirby/Sara Tracy. These many expeditions were designed to insert Fed Acker Huang into the realm where no man had gone before. Ignatius was a vital tool in health inspections. The native girls were reticent to remove their toh-wel garments for compulsory health checks due to a misplaced sense of modesty. Good Ignatius was trained to remove these garments quickly so that the girls' health could be easily monitored, and vital treatment given to them.

Downfall[edit]

After the establishment of the Fed Acker Huang Observatory (for the observation of heavenly bodies), health monitoring could be done from a distance and without undue legal action. His useful days behind him, Ignatius was largely confined to his cage. This cage was located fairly close to Das Rathskellar. Students would often feed him beer. Ignatius quickly developed a taste for alcohol. He began moving up to harder liquors and collecting Elvis memorabilia. This combined expense proved so great that he defaulted on the mortgage for his cage. He was thrown out by the bank, and moved to Las Vegas. He was last heard from when he announced his intention to join a motley band of several teen-agers traveling nationwide in a peculiar flower-covered green van.

Current Whereabouts[edit]

The current whereabouts of Ignatius are not known. Perhaps this is for the best.

Trivia[edit]

Ignatius the Dog is not, as many believe, named after the Super Jesuit Ignatius of Loyola. He is actually named after the deceased husband of Fed Acker Huang's first concubine.