Indian Institutes of Technology

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“In IIT, the department chooses YOU!!'”

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The Indian Institutes of Technology is another name for IIT, which is the acronym for Institute of Infinite Tension, Institute of Indian Technology, etc. These institutes of so-called national importance were set up by the Indian Parliament at various campuses across India, decided purely on merits of political alliances of the ruling party. Operation IIT began under Prime Minister Jawaharlal Nehru to reduce the average intelligence of Indians. Just like Zion in Matrix, where 3% of the people who do not accept the Matrix are gathered together to prevent dissent as a whole, IITs were formed by the Government of India to gather at one place the 3% of the intelligentsia of the country and export them away. The IITs have proved to be very productive, growing from a single institute in 1951 to 16 now (and counting).

Admission[edit]

The admission to IIT is via an exam called JEE. Various definitions for JEE have been suggested. The most commonly accepted of them is "Just Engineering and Engineering". The geeks and nerds of India start preparing for IIT-JEE right after entering kindegarten. A very effective test of whether a guy is fit for getting into the IITs is asking a very simple question: "Do you have a girlfriend"? A guy who says anything else other than "What's a girl?" would not get through the test. Girls are considered unfit to get into IITs, though some girls manage to get the application forms as they look like guys. To make sure no girl gets through the system by bribing to get the application forms, the applicants are required to specify their gender and affix a photograph in the application form. Those faces that resemble anything girly are not selected.

The entrance exam, IIT-JEE, is an extremely selective undergrad admission process (accepting less than 3% of their applicants). Whether it is extremely selective or extremely rejective has always been an issue of debate. Sources close to the institute say that it was designed to teach the masses how to face rejection. The original plan was to reject everyone, but the fallout was that people stopped taking the test. Eventually they had to invent IITs so as to inspire people to take the test.

As they say, if the input is right, the output is automatically right. The six-hour Joint Entrance Exam held, as the name suggests, jointly by IITs, consists only of questions on Physics, Chemistry and Maths and not on practical details like Booze, Drugs, Crime, Pr0n etc. which severely distort the quality of the incoming students. Since the Indians are well known for cramming up loads of information, questions in JEE are never repeated.

Recently there have been a lot of protests and demand to admit a percentage of students on the basis of quota system. Their argument has been that IITs have always admitted a large number of students who came through the Kota system, and all they are demanding is correcting the 'historically wrong' spelling. Opponents argue that this will be unfair to the non-Kota (non-quota) students and two wrongs don't make a right.

Education[edit]

The IIT curricula is carefully decided so that there is no scope of learning anything. The students are hence forced take up alternate learning routes, most common being Pr0n. The IIT alumni on knowing the tremendous potential of internet, provided all hostel rooms with free and unlimited internet connection. The IIT administration tried to propound their agenda by putting lecture videos on the LAN, but this news is yet to be confirmed as this has not been tried by any student. The IITians are also forced to eat mess food, preparing them for the worst they will ever face in life.

The guys also learn how to make 50 palladins in 25 minutes and get three frags per shot. Some of the creative minds also make a quick buck by selling MMS clips online. Since there are assignments to be submitted every now and then, the guys also learn how to use Google adeptly. Photocopying centres are provided for every 100 metres of road so that time wasted in photocopying assignments is minimized. Lecture classes are held from 7:30 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. IST (Indian Stretchable Time). It has been established by years of testing that the time can be stretched to as much as 30 minutes beyond provided it is backed by a cardinal excuse. The summary and results of many such experiments has been documented well in a book by an IITian titled "Five Point Someone: What not to do at an IIT". The book also deals with complex issue of dealing with a girl in IIT.

Grading system in IIT[edit]

The following(generally referred to as the ten commandments) is the grading system devised by God to distinguish the 'maggu' and the 'lukkha':

1. AA - Absolutely Amazing

2. AB - Also the Best

3. BB - Behind the Best

4. BC - Better than CC

5. CC - Chutiya, Clever

6. CD (Not to be confused with Cross-dressers or "CDs", that's a whole other story.) - Chutiya, Dumb

7. DD - Dumber than Dumb

8. FR - Fucking Retard

9. XX - eXcess of XXX

10. II - Ignorant Idiot

How to identify an IITian[edit]

An IITian (a.k.a. one with no life) is easily identifiable. We will try to list some of them out.

1. The bore you to death syndrome - This is something which all IITians are cursed with. If you see people randomly falling to sleep around a guy. He's an IITian. You may ask yourself why It's cuz he can't sop going on about bernoulli's theorem or how much curd rice he can stuff in his mouth.

2. Love of buttermilk - Any guy with an unusual love for curd rice or buttermilk is sure to be an IITian. Research is still being conducted so as to ascertain the relationship between average amount of curd in a person's body and his chances of getting into IIT.

3. Useless Research - Has any IITian ever made anything worthwhile during his lifetime....of course not. You may ask yourself why? It's because all his time is wasted in either drinking dairy related products or researching about them.

4. Penis(or lack thereof)- IITians have evolved as to not incorporate a penis in their body. This is to make sure the only thing they can have sex with is books. Which brings me very nicely to my 5th point.

5. Sex With Inanimate objects - An average IITian has sex with his physics book every second night. You may ask yourself who came up with such a statistic. An IITian of course. A lengthy and expensive research was conducted to find this very statistic out. Other things which an IITian might have sex with include test tubes, Barometers, screw gauges vernier calipers etc. How they have sex with inanimate objects is still a mystery and thankfully one which will stay within the various IITs.

6. Obesity - All that curd and no exercise obviously leads to obesity the likes of which would scare the pants off of Yokozuna (kind of explains why he doesn't wear pants). Therefore they don't react too well to fat jokes. A research has also been conducted as to why they don't react well to fat jokes.

7. Girls? - That's what an IITian usually reacts to when asked about girls. And those things they call girls in IIT are well yet to classified.

8. Pale skin and Thick glasses - Every IITian will also have pale skin and thick glasses due to studying unbelievably long hours in a locked room with no sunlight.

Life and culture (or lack thereof)[edit]

When entering the IIT, a guy has two options. The first is to take up the common learning route described above. Since IIT-JEE makes sure a lot of mavericks are selected, many of them also end up being happy among themselves. The girls in IITs (usually referred to as Non-Males and measured as parts of girl per million parts of guy) have to struggle keeping their identity secret throughout their stay in IITs. Sometimes they are forced to tell the truth, like when a gay IITian proposes mistaking them for a guy.

Alumni[edit]

The alumni of these institutes have been very successful across the world. Most of them either get frustrated and leave technical education to study management at IIMs, or start a company of their own in a far-off valley. There are also a select few who develop a fetish for studies and end up in institutes like Massachusetts Institute Of Technology. An interesting aspect is that, alumni of these institutes form the second-largest graduate student group at MIT, the largest being MIT undergrads.

Quotes on IITians[edit]

“These guys are total studs. Just like me.”
~ Oscar Wilde on IITians

“I love those guys.”
~ Oscar Wilde on IITians

“Shhh....Meet me at the Mining department later tonight”

~ IITian to Oscar Wilde

“IIT is t3h l33t.”

~ God on IIT

“We are 'GAWDS'.”

~ IITians on themselves

“So am I.”

~ Douglas Adams on the previous quote

“We the IITians are like rockets. We never study until our ass is on fire.”

~ An IITian

“Our asses are always on fire.”

~ Same IITian

“Fuck”

~ A girl on seeing the IIT-JEE question paper

“You think getting into IIT is difficult? Try getting out!”

~ disguntled IITian on IIT

“In IIT, department chooses YOU”

“Oh, you are an IITian. You must be very intelligent.”

~ What every IITian wants to hear

“Couldn't you secure admission in ITI?”

~ What every IITian acutally hears from 'people having no clue'