Ion cannon

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The Ion (I Own Noobs) Cannon is a creation by GDI from Tiberium Wars to pawn the noobs NOD.It was used multiple time to destroy Europe completely. Now that no such war exists, it is now just orbiting around our earth waiting for someone to pull it down and begin apocalypse.

Note, the Ion cannon was used, and unsuccessfully, to kill Grue. Therefore the Ion cannon was said to be eaten by them. But who know?


Back when Satan started a War with God, the angels had to get as many weapons as they can to push the devils back. They created all kinds of weapons like the Nun-chucks, Gun-chucks, Ninja-chuck and even Chuck-nuns. The war went on for years and both sides were thinning in both weapons and numbers. Finally, God decided to launch his not-so-secret weapon, the Jesus Cannon.

The Jesus cannon was a great cannon. It launched Jesus ions taken from Jesus Dioxide.

By methods unknown, the angels managed to take the Jesus atom from this Jesus dioxide molecule

The Jesus atoms can be both positively and negatively charged so it is no problem in making both Positive and negative Ions. It first launched the positive Jesus Ions which make the devils feel like they should do something good and if they don't, they burn as if they are being sprayed by holy water. Than, the negative ions come, which combines with the positive Ions with such force than the Devils either Completely Disintegrate or convert into Angels from the bombardment of Jesus particle.

If that is not enough, the lingering Negative and Positive Ions will convert the blasted area into a church. This is why the Jesus cannon was Launched into Hell a lot of times as the presence of a church will annoy or even destroy the devils. Finally, the war ends.


5000 years later, archeologists found ancient description of this Cannon. Scientist started to research on the cannon. The description was hard to decipher due to the sword marks and the language used. Also, the technology itself was debated. The first step was to convince people i can be done. If the man can do it, why can't we, right?

Many translation was needed in order to see at least one word. They decided the atom to use other Ion's as Churches had a lack of holy water. Finally, a prototype was built, but it asploded in the lab. All scientists survived. They realised they threw in too much chicken bones in the storing compartment, so the next prototype had a "no dinner while building' rule.

Finally 20 years later, GDI(Global Destroying Insanities) had an Ion cannon orbiting around earth. The problem is... it was weak

Usage in the past[edit]

The Ion cannon created by Humans used Iron ions. Sadly, the power was not even .01% of the power of the Jesus cannon. The Ion cannon cannot even tip the tower of bowling balls. It was used rapidly on GDI's worst enemy, NOD, but like I said... it skunked. Way below what the scientists predicted it can do.

The Human Ion cannon was SO weak, that instead of Sh**ting his pants out, Kane embraces it.

So instead of caring, NOD decided to continue their Chocolate missile project. Not much is known but C&C players know that the chocolate missile Pwned the Ion cannon control center... hard. Due to its capabilities, GDI abandoned the ion cannon project and went to research on Grue Taming. Lets just say, it did not end well.

5 minutes after GDI gave up on the ion cannon project; MacGyver bought the ion cannon and fixed it with a paper clip and a Nintendo game boy. Now the power is of 10% of the jesus cannon and it was now able to cook 100 donuts at a time.


The Ion cannon is now being mass produced to create all kinds of Donuts from chocolate flavors to jelly sugar. Apparently it's ionic taste is a favorite to all politicians and celebrities. Nowadays, the ion cannon will be used to create more types of food like macaroni and cheeze, cheezeburger, cake, hotdogs, cheezeburger, fishes, steak, cheezeburger, potatochips, chicken and did I mention cheezeburger? It's has been improved in many ways like a faster firing rate to cook faster or more ion firing to give a faster heating element.

Of course, it's destruction capabilities were not forgotten. People don't use is as a weapon of war, but it makes a great installment for home security (dam those invaders). Also, due to it's destructive power, graffities have been seen made via "ion painting'.

Alternate Cannons[edit]

The ion cannon has made many competitors using the same technology to lauch.... something...

  • the Shoe cannon-made by Iran's to launch shoe's onto an enermy for a humiliating defeat... rumored to be intended to launch on George W. Bush
  • the Protein cannon- Replacing Ions with protein, Bear Grylls made this weapon to shoot areas that he claims "lack protein". He blasts it multiple time before eating it up.
  • the Excrement cannon- you don't want to know...
  • the Oscar Wilde cannon- turns everything at that place into something "Oscar Wilde" like, Apperently he blasts himself with it when he feels straight.
  • the Cannon cannon- For the places that lack artillery, an immediate reinforcement of cannons rains down. High chance of friendly fire due to random dropping of metal objects.

See Also[edit]