Ipswich (Australia)

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Ipswich (Australia).

“You Pommy twats can have this page back when you win the ashes back. Antipodeans have bigger willies.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Whoever deleted this brilliant article last time and tried to make it about the damp pomgolian city of the same name.

Australia's Capital City and centre of learning, famed for its beautiful architecture, world famous artists and its well cultured citizens, Ipswich is surely the greatest city in Australia.

History[edit]

Ipshite - the area now known as Ipswich - was first settled in 1066 by William the Conqueror's first cousin, Jason Donovan. Recently discovered diary entries reveal Donovan's first thoughts of the area as "a land of milk and honey with plenty a stream to catch the catfish and plenty a field to shoot the roo. Surely amidst these peaceful vales shall I raise the most perfect village of Ipshite".

Donovan himself hand picked the first settlers and set very high standards of education and decorum. Only the finest minds were allowed into the new colony and within only a few short years it became widely acknowledged as the centre of the renaissance.

Population[edit]

There are over two million people living in Ipswich, most of whom reside in the many high-rises and modern apartments which dot the city's skyline, or have a second house in Brisbane and live there. Ipswichians are a diverse group with a strong Latin quarter as well as a warmly welcomed Asian community. *Ignores racist chanting from outside* The festival season, which stretches from Spring to Autumn, is the time when each of the different communities celebrate their diversity.

Most of the residents of Ipswich attend or work at one of the five great universities of Ipswich. Four of these universities were voted in the top ten educational institutes in the world last year. Graduates of these universities are among the most highly paid employees in the known world. PS: People in Ipswich breed like rabbits on viagra, thankfully a serial killer is reversing the situation.

Industries[edit]

Ipswich is primarily a services based town best known for it's hookers. Its hospital is the best in the nation in every category except proctology. It is also the place where Mr Kipling famously put 5 tarts in a box in December 2006.

Sport[edit]

Polo is the regional sport of Ipswich. On any given day the fields around Ipswich are filled with young boys, riding their ponies whilst on the sidelines their parents discuss stock options and investment opportunities. Girls compete in ballet and dressage. Ipswich doesn't play the sport commonly referred to as rugby (Although people in the know refer to it a 'American Football For People Who Aren't Pussies). Why does it not play rugby? It has no hookers (lol). Other minority sports such as football and cricket are also played.

Music[edit]

Ipswich is the home of the oboe. Classical music has a great audience in Ipswich and most weekends are filled with concerts or recitals in the Civic Centre. Ipswich has eighteen radio stations dedicated to Vivaldi alone although this number is set to climb after the town recently won the right to have the composer's remains reinterred in the local cemetery.

Philosophy[edit]

Nietzsche once wrote "Ipswich has no god but that which loves knowledge". The phrase has since forever associated the city with the great thinkers. A custom peculiar only to Ipswich sees every citizen spending Friday night in deep conversation with his neighbour debating the topics of the week. The winners of this first debate then proceed to debate against other winners in their local streets until a suburb winner is decided. The suburban winners then battle it out on the Sunday afternoon, usually in front of a packed auditorium for the right to be named "Mass Debater of the Week".

The winner of this title has complete diplomatic immunity for the entire week or until he is next defeated in debate. Most citizens use their immunity to public fight criticise governing bodies like the UN or the Federal Government.

People[edit]

The people of Ipswich are the most beautiful in the world. Perfect teeth and gums and glowing radiant complexions are the norm. They enjoy a natural fitness which means that no one has ever been obese or even slightly pudgy. There has never been a baby born to a mother younger than 28 in Ipswich. Most women establish a career for themselves, get married and buy a house before attempting to impregnate themselves, often with the sperm of a man. Ipswich is home to no old people or divorced men living with their elderly parents.

Ipswich is a bumhole of a town, riddled with unemployment, MRSA, sub-par health and education facilities and the stink of a river that serves as the sewerpipe of the populace. By and large the population of Ipswich aren't racists, they are just cunts.

Myth[edit]

The English city of Ipswich is much better than the Australian one.

...but that's like comparing turds, cos either way they're still turds