Iranian Revolution

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Sean Connery was widely seen as the hero of the Iranian Islamic Revolution, despite the fact that he was Scottish and Christian.

The Iranian Revolution was the 1979 revolution that transformed Iran from a constitutional monarchy (read "tyrannical despotatate"), under Shah Mohammad Reza Pahlavi, to a populist theocratic Islamo-Scientologist democratic oligarchical kleptocratic republic (read "far more tyrannical despotate") under the rule of Ayatollah Seyyed Ruhollah Khomeini. The revolution has been divided into two stages: the first stage saw an alliance of liberal, leftist, and religious groups oust the Shah; the second stage, often named the Islamic Revolution, saw the Ayatollah's rise to power and the release of the chart-topping My Sharona by The Knack, which was quickly named the new, Islamic national anthem by the hip and trendy cleric. Thereafter, the Islamic Cultural Revolution ensued, forcing all women to wear miniskirts and all men to grow soul patches. The term mullah came from leaders, considering anything good or positive, who responded: "give me some time to mullah this over."

Precursors to Revolution[edit]

Okay. The year is 1979. Iran is a stauch U.S. ally and one of the Middle East's most secular societies. The kleptocratic oligarchy, headed by Shah Muhammad Reza Palavi, has been in power for over 2500 years and the Shahanshah shows no sign of stepping down. People are saying bad things about Khomeini. Sounds good, right?

Wrong. The common people are receiving little pay for their hard work, and the government isn't doing anything to stop it. The mostly Shiite Iranians see the secularization of Iran as a Western attempt to colonize the area. College kids are running around carrying posters of political dissidents and making outrageous claims, just as in the Nike Revolution of 2006. The facade of order cannot mask the whininess of the youth activists. The time for one of their psychopaths to take power is near...

Actual Revolution[edit]

In 1978 a series of protests, triggered by a fake story attacking Khomeini in the Shah's Monarchical Propaganda Weekly, created an escalating cycle of violence, until, on December 12, an estimated two million people filled the streets of Azadi Square in Tehran to protest against the Shah and his 2,500 year old system so lame even a Greek could overthrow it (see Alexander the Great). On January 16, 1979 the Shah, the Prince of Persia, and the wonderful harem/dancing ensemble The Shahettes left Iran on the demands of Prime Minister Durka Durka Jihad, a T.V. personality who sought to aggravate the situation. Bakhtiar dissolved SAVAK (Iran's judicial system), promised semi-free rigged elections, called upon the opposition to rip the constitution to shreds and begin to plot revolution, and ordered the army to allow love-ins and music festivals.

Ayatollah Khomeini was very troubled by these events. An emerging dark lord of the Sith, he needed advice as to how he should fulfill his destiny and rule Iran. As Sith Vicious had recently killed himself, Khomeinei sought the aid of Darth Sidious, then operating in Germany as Cardinal Jozef Ratzinger. "You must destroy all of the secularists. Look to your heart, your feelings tell you this. We must act quickly sp this plot to destroy the Islamic Republic does not pull through."

Khomeini Time[edit]

There was great jubilation in Iran at the ousting of the Shah, but there was also much disagreement over Iran's future path. While Khomeini was the most popular political figure, there were dozens of revolutionary groups, each with a differing view of what they should do next to scare the shit out of the United States (otherwise known as the Great Satan). There were strong liberal, secularist, Marxist, and anarchist factions, as well as a wide array of Jedi groups looking to craft the future of Iran.

The military, economic, and foreign relations of the nation all were in turmoil. This made it very hard to get anything done. This caused Khomeini to call up ol' Ratzinger to ask for advice. "My unclean son," the future pontiff whined, "you must destroy all of your enemies and proclaim an Islamic Republic of Iran. Every single liberal, secularist, Marxist, or Jedi, including your friend Jihad, is now an enemy of the Islamic Republic." Khomeini then promptly brought together a group of Shi'a theologians and began a plot to overthrow Durka Durka Jihad.

It was the theologians who were the first to bring order to the nation, as revolutionary cells became local committees. Becoming known as the Islamic Revolutionary Guard in May 1979, these groups soon were running local governments across Iran, and wielding most of the local power. They also gained control of the judicial tribunals and used this power to legalize abortion, marijuana use, and same-sex marriage.

A new constitution was made that created a powerful post of Supremely Islamic Islamic Leader of Islam for Khomeini, who would control the military and security services, could veto candidates running for office pretty much control every aspect of everyone's lives and watch children while they slept, much like Santa Claus. A puppet-president was to be elected in rigged elections every four years, and only those candidates approved directly by the Supreme Leader were permitted to run for the office. Khomeini himself became Head of State for life, as "Leader of the Revolution", and later ;;"Supreme Spiritual Leader and Friend to Young Boys". Feeling powerless and disagreeing with the direction the nation was moving, Jihad came up with a last-ditch effort to restore democracy to Iran. This plot, was, however, foiled by the IRGC and Jihad and all political opponents of Khomeini were promptly disenfranchised and murdered.