Iron Penguin

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Someone caught on film riding the Iron Penguin.

Iron Penguin is a vicious drug that produces a frenzied high by attacking the immune system. The user may feel effects akin to riding a wild penguin into the Antarctic Ocean.

Riding the Iron Penguin[edit]

Iron Penguin in Nature.

In its purest form, Iron Penguin is found in nature in the form of spheres. The most common way Iron Penguin is prepared is by being melted, then dripped over a breadstick. It can then be ingested, usually one at a time, but for the serious addict, sometimes one is not enough. Spheres of Iron Penguin can also be crushed and taken nasally, though this is a very labor-intensive process (and also quite intense) and considered "too hard" by most addicts. Iron Penguin can be preserved for long periods when covered with Paraffin wax.

Riding the Iron Penguin is popular among schoolgirls, school teachers, guidance counselors, and babysitters all around the world. It is also gaining popularity with young teens and paraplegics.

A college girl taking Iron Penguin. Note the glazed over eyes. She can't get enough.
An Iron Penguin trip gone awry.

Users of Iron Penguin can experience a variety of adverse reactions (see photo). Symptoms include:

  • Wielding axes
  • Dancing on the ceiling
  • Ability to crush peanut butter into high-quality diamonds
  • Growth of penguin wings
  • Male pregnancy
  • Restless legs syndrome

If any of these symptoms occur, recite 200-500 Oscar Wilde quotes to the afflicted user. If you recite more than 500 Oscar Wilde quotes, he/she may become permanently insane.

There is one known cure for Iron Penguin addiction, Silver Panther, it is however extremely rare in the United States, since it has been banned since 1833.


Iron Penguin was originally discovered by natives of Australia. They began licking the spheres and noted the ability to see several seconds into the future. It was used for a variety of shamanic rituals as part of a tradition that goes back more than a thousand years. Further refinements were made, until the process of melting and re-shaping was discovered in 1812. Eventually, the drug would be processed with natural dyes and flavors, to add variety. For example, the girl in the picture has two different kinds of Iron Penguin: Pink Velvet and Blackbeard's Delight. Some more daring users actually insert these Iron Penguin rods into orifices where contact with mucous membranes permits absorption. This method of use has been known to cause extreme disinhibition and promiscuity and is not recommended for anyone except groupies and Pam Anderson. It is also advised that if one chooses to exploit the Iron Penguin in this manner, they should don umpire chest shields, drop harnesses and other protective gear to prevent injuries from the uncontrollable urge to buck, heave and jump onto nearby surfaces.


Iron Penguin is completely illegal in 38 states (and highly restricted in the rest) and most European countries. However, it is widely used in Asia and South America. In Australia and the United States, it is legal to use Iron Penguin in conjunction with religious rituals. Currently, there is a bill pending resolution in Congress to legalize Iron Penguin for medicinal use. According to legal analysts, the bill is not likely to pass; however, an alternate provision in the bill allows for states to set their own laws regarding medicinal use.

See also[edit]

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