Irving, Texas is a horrendous joke that God played on the universe. Claiming to be a "world-class" city, it is actually the spawn of Satan AND the Whore of Babylon. It is well known for its rundown car repair shops with toothless owners and just-paroled mechanics. It also clearly has a phallic complex, as evidenced by the tower present at the University of Dallas, which is located in east Irving. In addition, Irving is the location of Texas Stadium, where the Dallas Cowboys play. Known as "God's team," the Cowboys are in reality a halfway house for inmates released from the Dallas County jails. The Cowboys' stadium has garnered praise for its gorgeous 1970s bunker architecture. Locals and out-of-towners often speak lovingly of the hundreds of square miles of shoddy parking, derelict roads, and Third World-standard development around the stadium. Irving is also a "dry" city, which means that it is full of "dry" alcoholics, who regularly vent their frustrations about the lack of alcohol by creating urban blight and engaging in petty crimes such as kidnapping, murder, grand larceny, and opening Mexican discount stores. The lack of liquor stores in Irving has contributed to the rise of the Northwest Highway Entertainment District in west Dallas bordering Irving. This area is often mentioned in the same breath as the Las Vegas Strip, Hollywood Boulevard, or Monte Carlo.
Irving is populated by three distinct groups of residents: carnivores, herbivores, and oil executives. The carnivores primarily inhabit the southern end of the city, where they enjoy meals at four star restaurants serving barbecued streetkill and a strange Texas concoction called "Dr. Pepper," which is actually an industrial strength laxative and paint solvent. The herbivores scavenge in a neighborhood known as "Las Colinas," Spanish for "Giant Assholes." The area has a beautiful canal area surrounded by quaint parking garages and formless steel office towers. Herbivores generally live in absurdly overpriced storage closets and wear painfully tight clothing. Oil executives, overwhelmingly drawn from the ranks of Exxon-Mobil, have never actually been seen in the wild. They are rumored to work at a giant pagoda-looking building in north Irving and live amongst the bunkers of the area's country clubs. Their diet is said to consist of 20 gallons of gas a day and clubbed baby seals.
In sum, Irving is clearly a one-of-a-kind city. What other locale can boast two Walmarts, seventeen Midas repair shops, 400 McDonalds, a system of Rwanda-caliber highways, and condemned strip malls? There is also a campaign underway to move the capital of Texas from Austin to Irving. Irving is regularly mentioned as having the caliber of brainless, Texas-sized egos required to pull off such a steal.
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