“I could never say anything bad about a Benefactor, unless I was paid to do so.”
Most people from the USSR are honest, hard working and loyal people. This is where Ivan MorefuckingmoneythanIknowwhattodowithavitch stands out from the rest. The self made multizillionaire has made a name for himself by stepping in where the crumbeling Kremlin left off.
An orphan by the age of four years and 23 days, (his parents were "released" on a free transfer, not having perfomed to an acceptable standard) he was raised by a Jewish family in the harsh environs of the Arctic Circle. Realising that world domination from the Arctic Circle had its difficulties he left home at the age of 4 years and 25 days to make a name for himself in Moscow.
Being a natural recluise (mainly due to his lethal B.O.), he began his business career selling plastic pigs from a Hungarian prostitute's Moscow apartment. From this, he successfully branched out to geese, dogs, cows, chickens and finally his signature toy, The Duck. Soon every Moscowvite had a plastic duck, though few knew why. Within a few years, Ivan MorefuckingmoneythanIknowwhattodowithavitch's vast wealth spread from animal toys to pig farms and then naturally to oil conglomerates. In doing so he secured his place within Yeltsin's inner circle by offering him the complete collection of animal farm figurines, with the limited edition Texas Farm House.
When Putin came to power, Ivan MorefuckingmoneythanIknowwhattodowithavitch entered politics himself, becoming the governor of a remote, but resource-rich, Siberian ranch. After winning the election by 92% of the vote (the 8% rebel scum who voted to the contrary were caught and killed), he pumped millions of pounds (and waste refuse) into the area, building houses and sending thousands of schoolchildren on holiday to the Gulag.
Having successfully advocated and implemented the PRAM program (Pillage, Rape and Murder (for oil)), he soon realised that Siberia, and in fact the Soviet dis-union, was too small an area for his talents. He need to expand his empire. Rumor has it though that the real reason for his expansion plans was because his wife was tired with the shopping in Moscow, and wanted Ivan to buy her Paris and London for her 30th birthday.
Expanding the Empire
On advise from clueless western advisers (usually CIA operatives) he realised that his "Push the PRAM" campaign may have adverse PR issues in other civilised countries. Wanting to be seen as a nice dictator and world conquerer, he felt he needed to raise his profile. It was decided that the best way to do this was to invest in one of the most hated football clubs in the world, the Chelsea Pensioners.
The Chant and Wilde's Thoughts
He's Russian, he's rich, he's Ivan MorefuckingmoneythanIknowwhattodowithavitch.